by staff
Patrick Henry, one of your founding fathers, proclaimed, “Give me liberty, or give me death!” Well, I’ll forgo the liberty and the death, if you don’t mind. I just want life! Give me something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and don’t carve me up for your feast. Let me live!
Bird flu—yeah, it’s still around. That’s how people get it, you know—from handling—and that includes EATING—birds. I’m a bird. Maybe I have bird flu. Maybe I don’t. Like Clint Eastwood says, “Do you feel lucky?” So think of your loved ones, and spare them the risk of touching and eating my possibly diseased carcass. I’m not saying I know for sure I’m infected, but in the words of Jim Hickerson, our superintendent, “Anything is possible.” Why take the risk? Spare me.
Al Quaida, suicide bombings, cyber bullying, road rage…there’s too much violence in the world, so let’s start off the holiday season with one less homicide—mine. You’ll feel better for it, and I know I will.
Another reason you’ll feel better about sparing my life is that you won’t be loaded up with trytophan. That’s the stuff that makes you sleepy. Me—I’m loaded—but loaded—with it. This is the ingredient that causes you to pass out on the floor or in the chair after eating me. You neglect everyone else, all the people who came over to visit, heck—flew over to visit. Just lying there on the floor like a big fat lump of useless dough, snoring so loud the women can’t hear themselves talk and the kids strain to hear the sound effects on their new xbox game. All because of tryptophan coursing through your digestive system causing you to become comatose. That’s why those toddlers shoved those salmon berries up your nostrils last time—because they could! So be alert this Thanksgiving—don’t eat me.
Sure, I can hear the traditionalists whining, “But we’ve always had turkey for Thanksgiving, ever since the first Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and the Native Americans…” Well, let me tell you something about tradition, pal: just because you’ve always done something doesn’t mean it’s not stupid. Look at those Salem witchcraft trials—it was practically a tradition with them to accuse and hang innocent people for being witches, but that didn’t make it right. Why be a homicidal maniac on this joyous day of thankfulness? For goodness’ sake, your relative are here—behave! Eat some soy bean cake molded into the shape of a turkey, or some of that Vegan stuff—you’ll thank me for it, and I’ll thank you for it.
This holiday is all about ideals, right? People coming together to show their gratitude for cooperation and community spirit in hard times. Being left alive would make this the ideal holiday for me. So, please, let me live.