The Toilet Paper Article of The Week: Less Than a Feelin’

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Attention all vagineers!

After years of exhausting exploration, it’s time to take off your spelunking helmets and come up for air. Scientists in London have discovered that the elusive and mysterious G-spot does not exist. Either the data was skewed due to these limey bookworms having short peckers or some women just like to scream unintelligibly while boning. The findings in this study serve as vindication to every man that has ever gotten a cramp in his neck, twisted a tongue muscle, or nearly thrown out his back in a panicked pursuit to find his lady friend’s make-believe pleasure zone. In closing, told ya Michelle!

Number

75% – Percentage of women that never reach orgasm from intercourse alone. Ten to fifteen percent never climax under any circumstances. At ease, ladies. Say hello to “The Situation.”

Quote

“The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.”

Woody Allen, comedic geezer who married his own adopted daughter

Word

chimerical

Retweet

adj. 1. Unreal; imaginary.

See Heidi Montag’s singing career.

Fact

The Sybian, an auto-erotic device designed for females and made famous on The Howard Stern Show, was originally called the Master Better. Dave Lampert, the device’s creator, wanted a more sophisticated-sounding name and chose “Sybian” after an ancient city in Rome known for its luxury. We prefer the name “Vegas”. With a price tag of $1300, thrill-seekers are truly getting screwed.

The List

Other Mythical Searches

The Lost City of Atlantis – No proof of Plato’s sunken island, but two cool resorts.
The Fountain of Youth – Ironically, Ponce de León’s search led him to Florida, where old people go to die.
Bigfoot – Tall furry figment of some unique individuals imaginations.
A Chicago Cubs World Series Championship – A century-long pursuit continues.
Nickleback – We’re still searching for their appeal.

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