We here at RideLust get a lot of questions from readers. Most ask how they can have a fabulous career as a jet-setting automotive writer, in which case we tell them that blackmail pics of industry execs having sex with farm animals is a really good way to start. Or to get really, really good with Photoshop so you can create blackmail pics. Sometimes people ask us what it’s like to drive the Bugatti Veyron, and all of us on staff can answer with authority, because we’ve flogged the snot out of one in Need For Speed: Shift. Not to brag, but we’re all pretty good behind the wheel of a Ford GT, Lamborghini Murcielago or McLaren F1, too.
One question that keeps coming across our desks is, “How can I become a car show girl?” The truth is that there’s no easy answer to that question. For starters, first we’d need to see you in bikini or underwear pics. Next we need to see you nude, and then, if you’re suitable material, we’ll call you in for a “clothing optional” interview.
Not everyone has what it takes to be a car show girl, even at the amateur level. For example, we’ve rejected the following candidates and with enough therapy, may eventually be able to get their pictures out of our heads:
Requirement 1: no Y chromosome. Fail.
Requirement 2: no Y chromosome and some level of attractiveness. Double fail.
Just because you’re WILLING to wear a bikini doesn’t mean you SHOULD
Please don’t take off your clothes. Please.
Despite our advice to seek an alternate career, Olga and her sisters found work in Russia
Yes they do. Trust me on this.
Next, I guess we’d need to define what a car show girl is. At the bottom rung of the ladder are the tuner car or local car club show girls, whose primary job is to look hot and show skin. You’re there to distract from a car’s flaws, because who’s going to notice a Krylon paint job on a $10 body kit when there’s a stripper pole and two models playing tonsil hockey next to it?
To qualify for this role, you need to look smokin’ in a bikini, not be averse to showing skin and possessed of loose morals. As with being a stripper, the ability to suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose is an optional, but desired, talent. There are no intelligence requirements to compete at this level, and in fact it’s better if you’re not quite as smart as a file cabinet. Don’t speak English? No problem; in fact, you get bonus points for that. Here are some examples:
Wax on, wax off
Spike heels help to hide the SUV ride height of this ‘Stang
See? Enough hotness can even disguise a really bad body kit.
Baby got back. Can you spot the Lamborghini in this picture?
We don’t discriminate: B cups are cool, too.
Fact: girls playing grabass with each other always adds 10hp to a car.
See? A little lipstick lesbian action can make a photo shoot in an Ikea parking lot look good.
So what’s in it for the models at this stage of the game? The pay, if you actually get paid, will be small. You’ll get to meet a lot of guys with mulletts and bad tattoos and you’ll get offered a lot of rides in Mustangs, Camaros, Evos or nitrous plumbed Civics. Chances are good you’ll never meet anyone famous, or get to the next car show girl level, but you will get the satisfaction of knowing that you’re helping hundreds of adolescent males get through puberty. If you’re lucky, they won’t send you the pics.
Next time: moving on up, or how to be an umbrella girl.
Author’s note: So You Want To Be A Car Show Girl will be a semi-reoccurring piece on RIdeLust. It’s written tongue-in-cheek and should in no way be taken seriously. Except the part about sending us bikini or underwear pics if you’re over 18. We meant that.