I love Steven Wright quotes!
Here are some more of them below!
Wishing you all a happy Thursday, dammit! 
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, ”Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
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