And now, regular reader Foster Keats gives his predictions AND renames the various bowls to his own anti-establishment liking:
It’s bowl season, my friends. Time to put those novels down, send the wives & kids to bed, and hunker down with non-stop football every day & night of the week until early January. You may live in New Jersey & can’t even point to New Mexico on a map, but HELL, Fresno St & Wyoming is about to come on the tube, live from Al, Alber, Alberker… that big town in New Mexico. And who wouldn’t be interested in Ohio U and Marshall when you have 23 points of confidence placed on the Bobcats, plus water cooler bragging rights in your office pool. And to salute all those hard-working companies that have spent so much of their vast profits to place their name on these delicious matchups, I have decided to give them some of my own, personal added exposure… In some cases, I couldn’t decide which one I liked better, so I put in multiple choices for your holiday entertainment… enjoy!!!
New Mexico Bowl
The Got Meth? Bowl or The AMC’s Breaking Bad Bowl: Fresno St 31 Wyoming 18
St Petersburg Bowl
The Why Would They Put The Salvador Dali Museum in Our Ghetto Town Bowl: Rutgers 27 UCF 15
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
The We Track Your Shoddy Poisonous Chinese Imports Bowl or The Shouldn’t We Be Moving People OUT of New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss 30 MTSU 23
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
The Even Burt Reynolds Stop Advertising Our $200 Shitty Paint Jobs Bowl or The Why The Hell Do We Always Get a Mormon School Who Never Gambles Bowl: Oregon St 37 BYU 24
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
The Who Outside of San Diego Could Ever Use Our Bank So Why Advertise It? Bowl or The Cheap Ugly Holiday Flower That You Buy Your Great Aunt Instead of Getting Her a REAL Gift Bowl: Utah 30 Cal 17
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
The At Least Our Hotels Aren’t Synonymous With Party Girl Whores Bowl: Nevada 66 SMU 55
Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl
The Has Anyone You Know Eaten One of Our Small Italian Toon Pies in the Last 20 Years Bowl: Ohio U 23 Marshall 13
Meineke Car Care Bowl
The You Need a New ‘Johnson Rod’, It’ll Cost You $500 Bowl: UNC 28 Pitt 20
Emerald Bowl
The We’re About Nuts, Not Gems or Colors or Isles or The Wizard of Oz Bowl or
The Isn’t Seattle Nicknamed The Emerald City So Why Did We Name Our Bowl This??? Bowl: USC 33 Boston College 6
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
The Muzak City Bowl, Sponsored by a Name Your Kids Always Giggle At: Clemson 40 Kentucky 17
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
The We’d Rather Sponsor a Game in Shreveport Than Do a 4-Hour Infomercial at 3am Bowl: UGA 31 Texas A&M 30
EagleBank Bowl
The 15,000 at a Football Game is Still Better Than Any Baseball Crowd All Year Bowl or The Once We Saw Who is Playing Here We Moved It To a Real Football Stadium Bowl: UCLA 27 Temple 13
Champs Sports Bowl
The Discount Athletic Supporter & Non-Licensed Merchandise Headquarters Bowl: Wisconsin 27 Miami 17
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl
The We Don’t Arrest Lot Lizards in Our Parking Lots Because We Care About The Small Business Owners Bowl: Idaho 37 Bowling Green 34
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl
The We Let Japanese Whalers Kill Our Mascot For $20,000 So We Could Pay Our Rent Bowl: Nebraska 17 Arizona 9
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
The We Don’t Build Sturdy Helicopters Anymore Because They’re Just Gonna Get Shot Down in Afghanistan Anyway Bowl: Houston 48 Air Force 33
Brut Sun Bowl
The At Least We Don’t Smell Like Williams Lectric Shave Bowl or The We Are Here To Mask The Stench of The Rio Grande River Bowl: Oklahoma 38 Stanford 23
Texas Bowl
The We Forgot To Pay a Marketing Company To Think Us Up A Name So This is All We Got Bowl: Mizzou 24 Navy 19
Insight Bowl
The We Do Something Technology-Wise That Even WE Can’t Explain Bowl: Minnesota 27 Iowa St 24
Chick-fil-A Bowl
The You Can’t Get Our Greasy Chicken Sandwiches on Sundays Bowl: Va Tech 23 Tennessee 10
Outback Bowl
The No One Can Better Grasp The Concept of Aussie Food Like Middle Florida Restaurateurs Bowl or
The We Put Your Salad Dressing Underneath Your Salad To Further Confuse Your Knowledge Of Aussie Culture Bowl: Auburn 30 NW 17
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl
The When Does Our Sponsorship Contract Expire So We Can Flee Jacksonville Like The Rest Bowl: WV 27 F$U 23
Capital One Bowl
The We’ll Give a Credit Card To Anyone So We Can Further Add To This Country’s Debt Problem Bowl: LSU 21 Penn St 20
Rose Bowl presented by Citi
The Now That a Bank Sponsors Us, All Our Flowers Are Marked Up To Valentine’s Day Prices Bowl or
The Does Anyone Watch Our Parade Anymore? Bowl: Oregon 33 Ohio St 18
Allstate Sugar Bowl
The We Have Pedro Cerrano Doing Our Commercials, So Screw You!! Bowl: Florida 41 Cincinnati 13
International Bowl
The What’s This All Abooot, Eh?? Take Off, You Hoser!! Bowl: Northern Illinois 27 South Florida 21
Papajohns.com Bowl
The We Won’t Deliver Pizza To This Neighborhood But We’ll Sponsor a Bowl Game Here Bowl: UConn 24 USC 18
AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic
The Losing 100,000 Landlines a Day Doesn’t Matter B/C We Are Getting People Back With The iPhones Bowl: Okkie St 30 Ole Piss 23
Autozone Liberty Bowl
The Nothing Says More About Liberty in This Country Than The City of Memphis Bowl or
The You Can Work On Your Cars In Our Parking Lot, We’ve Got Plenty of Kitty Litter Bowl: Arkansas 27 East Carolina 17
Valero Alamo Bowl
The Please Don’t Confuse Us With Enron Or That Oil Company That Bush Bankrupted Back When He Was A Cokehead Bowl: Texas Tech 50 Michigan St 23
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
The Don’t Blame Us If Your Bag of Our Chips Is All Crushed Into Little Pieces, It’s Piggy Wiggly’s Fault Bowl: TCU 26 Boise St 24
FedEx Orange Bowl
The Sorry The Government Make Us Crackdown On Letting You Ship Your Weed To Your Ex College Roommate Bowl: Georgia Tech 31 Iowa 20
GMAC Bowl
The We Forgot How To Make a Decent Automobile But Still Have Enough Cash To Sponsor a Game in Lovely Mobile Bowl or The We’re Still Gonna Fly To Mobile Anyway Because We’re Afraid Of The Red Necks Along I-65 Bowl: Central Michigan 47 Troy 41
BCS National Championship Game
The Didn’t We Already Sponsor a Game in This Stadium So Why Are We Doing It Again?? Oh, That’s Right, the $$$ Bowl or The This Is As Close As You Numb Nuts Will Ever Get To Seeing a Playoff Bowl: Alabama 27 Texas 13
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