The past week has been really bad for me. I’ve been in a lot of pain and the fatigue has taken control of my life. I have lived with these disorders for 26 years. You’d think that I’d be accustomed to it by now. Well…think again. I guess, in a way, I’m used to it but, I don’t like it and I’ll never accept it.
I don’t like not being in control. I’m a very independent, strong-willed person. I fight these disorders every step of the way. Prayer is one of my best defenses. I know that God can’t take away all of my pain. When I pray for God’s help, I don’t ask him to take my disorders from me. I ask him to help me understand and deal with them. I do find a lot of comfort from prayer. It’s one way to help keep a positive frame of mind. When I pray or read the Bible I feel much better mentally which, in turn, does a world of good for my physical well-being.
There are other steps that I take to help me deal with the pain. I take pain medications as needed and muscle relaxers. Hot baths help for a little while. Heat is always a good thing when I’m in pain. I can’t remember one day when I didn’t have pain. I try to avoid using my pain medication at all cost. Sometimes, when the pain is too bad, I relent and take my Tramadol. For me, Tramadol doesn’t take the pain away; it merely lessens it to a dull roar. However, I’m afraid to move on to something stronger. I really don’t want to become addicted to anything.
The fatigue, on the other hand, is more extreme lately now that the sun has decided to take a vacation. When the cold, wet weather rears it’s ugly head my pain and fatigue become almost unmanageable. I haven’t been able to have any semblance of a normal sleep pattern for quite some time now. Of course, I couldn’t tell you what an average, normal sleep schedule entails. I’ve tried taking sleeping pills to regulate my sleep but, to no avail. The first time that I took them I had an episode of amnesia. That was not fun at all. Now, I just sleep when I’m tired. I would just like to have a normal sleep pattern like everyone else.
My normal sleep schedule is so sporadic that I can’t remember what day it is or what time of day it is. For example:
Yesterday I fell asleep at 1:30 in the afternoon and slept until 6:00 that evening. I spent time making sure that my children were fed, cleaned, and sent to bed. I was so exhausted that I thought I’d go to bed and sleep some more. So, by midnight, I retired to my bed and slipped into a dreamless slumber. This morning I was awake by 5:00. School was canceled today so the kids romped around the house making a complete mess. After dealing with the little tornadoes that swept through my house, I was so exhausted that I had to lie down again. So, at 1:00 pm I lay down AGAIN. My better half took care of the kids and supper whilst I had no clue of what was going on around me. By 8:30, I woke up to the phone ringing. Every time I wake up from a nap, I’m totally exhausted no matter how much sleep that I’ve had.
I have to force myself out of bed all the time. If I don’t then I’ll continue to sleep for 12 hours at a time. When you have children, that option is not possible. I try to do most of my sleeping during the day when the kids are in school and then at night when they are in bed. Sometimes that doesn’t work. My fatigue is in control of when and how long I sleep.
I would do almost anything be have a normal life. I want to be able to go outside and run with my children, go for long walks, work a normal job, and so many other things that I can’t do right now. Unfortunately, there is no cure for Fibromyalgia. So, until that day comes, this is where you’ll find me venting about my disorders.
