The Toilet Paper Article of the Week: Been Caught Stealin’

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Lots of gals enjoy the salty taste of jerked meat from time to time. The only difference between them and Julia Laack of Sheboygan is that they normally don’t steal it.

Laack, 36, was busted after drunkenly shoplifting a bag of beef jerky from a convenience store with her three kids in tow. Picked up later at her home by police, the not so ambitious criminal violently resisted then doffed her clothing claiming her nudity made her immune from arrest. Laack recently discovered that her interpretation of the law was incorrect and got six months in jail.

Number

360 – Inmates in California that are serving life sentences for shoplifting small amounts of merchandise after blowing California’s “three strikes” law.

Translation: Go big or go home.

Quote

“Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.”

Howard Aiken, computer engineer and mathematician

Amen, Howie! We are still trying to convince Victoria’s Secret to invest in a spin-off store for men called Ted Is Telling Everybody.

Word

shrinkage

noun. 1. Inventory recorded on a company’s books but not on hand, due to theft, loss, or accounting error. 2. See George Costanza.

Fact

Stuart T. Seidel is the patented inventor of the ink tag security device used in many retail clothing stores. The purpose of the device is to prevent theft with the idea that if you attempt to remove the tag, the ink will splatter out and ruin the garment.

Way to go, Stu. So if the store forgets to remove it, we gotta walk around looking like douchebags.

The List

The Most Shoplifted Items of 2009

Gillette Mach Series razors – So expensive they made beards popular again.
Cosmetics – Maybe it’s Maybelline? Can’t be sure; I just grabbed it and ran.
Booze – You need a really big pair of pants for that 30-rack of Natty Ice.
Baby formula – Quite possibly the second most expensive white powder out there.
Meat – We think this is where the phrase “hide the salami” came from.

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