Scripture: Genesis 37:1-11
I am Trustee of Mangrove Mountain Retreat, a 100-hectare site in a National Park on the Central Coast. It has wonderful facilities for accommodating about 150 people at any one time with great dining room, swimming pool, recreational facilities, kitchens and bedroom facilities. Over the past sixteen years, with help from many donors, community service clubs and especially Wesley Mission, we have spent about $3 million on upgrading facilities. Now we are about to add a $1+million auditorium.
Recently, the Trustees under chairman Rod Blackmore, A.M., the former Chief Magistrate of the Children’s Court, approved “Youth Insearch” as the agency to take over the administration of Mangrove Mountain Retreat. I first met the founder, a former teacher, youth worker, and training & development manager, Ron Barr in 1985. He had recently founded “Youth Insearch” and he was asking Sydney Rotary Club for support.
This is a program for teenagers who are in trouble with family and the community. Of the 30,000 children who have been through the program, he claims an 80% “turnaround” rate. The organisation is funded largely through public donations and through groups like Rotary and Lions Clubs.
Of the children who attended Insearch camps, it is estimated that 45-50% had been sexually assaulted, 90% had experimented with drugs, 50% had contemplated suicide, 25% had attempted suicide, and 60% came from dysfunctional homes. 35% had been sexually abused by the age of 16; 85% of the perpetrators were family members, family friends or someone “close and trusted”.
“Youth Insearch” is really helping these kids. The significant factor was the abnormally high percentage of those children who came from blended families and stepfamilies. Stepfamilies, blended families, and those living with partners with children are in some ways like first-time-round families. They are also, in many other ways, vastly different. Most people who become a part of a stepfamily are unprepared for the differences.
These differences can include:
Stepfamilies are more complex. There are many more family relationships in stepfamilies. There are likely to be grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings and a parent living outside the family with no links with other members of the stepfamily.
Emotional upheavals. Family members may have experienced distress from the break-up of the previous marriage or relationship. Some may still be grieving for the family they have lost.
Huge changes. All members of the stepfamily, including those living outside the family, must cope with the change and make a number of adjustments.
More parents. There are more parent figures in a stepfamily and the parenting may be shared by someone outside the family.
Different likes and dislikes. There is no common history, and different family members may have different ideas about how things are done.
Whether the previous relationship ended through death, separation or divorce, all members need to adjust to your new relationship.
There are, according to “Relationships Australia” many myths about Stepfamilies:
Myth 1: “People quickly adjust to being part of a stepfamily”.
There is no such thing as an instant adjustment. It will take time and effort for everyone to feel comfortable in the new family. Unfortunately some children may never feel comfortable.
Myth 2: “Loving and caring will develop instantly”.
The idea that the new step-parent and step-children will instantly love each other and recognise each other’s strengths is unlikely to happen. Love cannot be forced upon each other and the relationship may take time to develop.
Myth 3: “Working hard prevents the development of the ‘wicked’ step-parent image”.
Step-parents come into families and frequently work too hard to make everyone in the household happy, and to avoid being seen as the horrible stepmother or stepfather. Unfortunately, this can create tension rather than harmony.
Myth 4: “Anything negative that happens is a result of being in a stepfamily”.
Frequently children and adults blame their problems on the fact that they are living in a stepfamily. All families have difficulties, not just stepfamilies.
Myth 5: “Stepfamilies are the same as first-time-round families”.
The expectation for the new family to appear like a first-time-round family with two natural parents and their children living in one household together, can cause pain for everyone. It leads to a denial of the existence of other parents and relatives. It is important to accept that the stepfamily will never be the same as the first-time-round family and to see the benefits of being in a stepfamily.
“Relationships Australia” says that contrary to their traditional negative image, stepfamilies can actually provide a rich and rewarding family environment for the adults and children involved.
One reason is because for second marriages couples are often much more aware of the pitfalls possible in trying to make a relationship work and are doubly committed to things working out this time.
Remarried couples and stepfamilies have a number of difficulties to overcome for the adults and the children.
Statistically, many of these attempts fail despite everyone’s hard work and good intentions. Some people have not yet gotten over the pain of their first failed marriage, and therefore are not really emotionally free to concentrate on a new marriage fully.
Studies suggest waiting at least two years after the end of the first relationship to enter into a new one, although people rarely follow experts’ advice in such matters of the heart. And because people are not all the same some people should wait much longer than that, as it will take them longer to fully recover from their failed marriage.
Being alone again after having been married is very difficult, on a number of levels. It is even harder when there are children involved. There is the adult loneliness with the lack of intimacy and companionship, lone decision-making, frequently lone responsibility for the children, or for the non-custodial parent the yearning to have the children around them.
Being in love is not enough to build a firm foundation for a new marriage. Living together, although done quite frequently in this era, is not a very good option because the pressures and commitments of marriage are completely different and it models less than ideal moral behaviour to the children which can cause confusion, loss of respect for the parents, or other problems. For more on this topic see: http://www.relationships.com.au/advice/relationship-enrichment/second-chances
Relationships Australia’s “Relationships Indicators Survey 2008” found a number of intriguing patterns, such as: Nearly nine in ten respondents said the main reason people don’t get married, is because of a bad previous experience. Eight in ten indicated that people don’t get married because of reasons to do with commitment – either an avoidance of it or a belief that strong commitment does not need marriage. Both these responses were higher amongst females than males.
Three quarters agreed that people don’t get married because of fear of making a mistake, a desire for a singles lifestyle or due to a fear of divorce. Females were more likely to fear making a mistake than males.
Approximately half felt that people don’t get married because it will interfere with work and career (55%) or because of a desire for multiple relationships (48%). This was particularly the case for those who had never married (65%).
In addition, both these reasons were significantly higher amongst males than females with a difference of 9% and 8% respectively. Just under half of all respondents (47%) agreed that a desire for travel was a reason people don’t get married.
This question was previously included in the 2006 survey, and each response category increased significantly in 2008. For more about hose surveys please visit: http://www.relationships.com.au/resources/pdfs/reports-submissions/ra-rel-ind-survey-2008-report.pdf
The worst part of all of this is that children frequently suffer from the tensions the parents face that are often taken out on the children.
The problem of child abuse is an overwhelming one. The latest statistics (for 2009) revealed that more than 34,000 children were taken out of abusive homes by the Department of Community Service because of abuse, or evidence that abuse was most likely. (SMH 21/01/2010)
The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare found more than 34,000 children were taken from their parents and placed in out-of-home care in 2008-09, an increase of 9 per cent on the year before.
The Minister for Community Services, Jenny Macklin, said the Government was developing national standards for child protection. “Child protection systems vary markedly across the country, with each state and territory having its own child protection policy, standards and legislation. We need national standards of care so children who cannot live with their families can grow up in a safe, secure environment. National standards will provide a benchmark for the care of these children no matter where in Australia they live.”
In NSW the most common form of abuse was emotional. In a third of cases, police informed welfare agencies. Hospital staff and teachers were the next most likely to report abuse. Across the country, girls were the most likely victims of sexual abuse. Boys were more commonly subjected to physical abuse. Children younger than 10 were the subjects of two-thirds of abuse cases.
‘’Lone parents are more likely to have low incomes and be financially stressed and suffer from social isolation,’’ the report said. Single-mother families were also over-represented in the Australian population,” it said.
Out-of home care involves separating the abused child from their parent and placing them with relatives, foster carers, in group homes or letting them live alone.
The incidence of child abuse correlates with the high incidence of families having children the second-time round. This is a shorthand way of speaking of blended families, stepfamilies and de facto families where the children belonged to at least one other parent not in the present relationship.
Frequently children born into a second or third marriage may bring a lot of joy to the parents as a seal of their love together. More often than not, it can bring tension and poor relationships.
‘Blended’ families refer to the parents and children who, due to remarriage, now belong to a new family setting. Second marriages may bring together his children and her children and then their children.
Frequently the stepchildren, especially younger teenagers, have difficulty adjusting to the new parent and many leave home. Most of the “Streetkids” social welfare agencies work with are reported as being drop-outs from blended marriages. Others who have children the second time round are those who have children in older age following perhaps, the death of an earlier partner or divorce after many years of marriage. We all know older men in their sixties who have married younger women and are fathers at the same time as their previous children are having children of their own.
Then I have known several women who have fostered their own teenage son or daughter’s unwanted child, thereby starting a new family of her own perhaps fifteen years after her own child-bearing ceased. I have known Grandparents who take over caring for their grandchildren when the parents have been killed.
Jacob had twelve sons by four women, six by his first wife, then four by two female servants of his wife and then in old age he married Rachel and had two sons, Joseph around whom much of the book of Genesis revolves, and later Benjamin.
He loved dearly his second wife who was much younger than himself, and when she produced her first son, Joseph, the silly old man thought he was Super stud! Jacob “loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him. 4 When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.” (Gen 37:3-4).
The teenager Joseph paraded before his older stepbrothers and told them of his ascendancy over them through dreams he had. No wonder the older stepbrothers wanted to get rid of him. But who was at fault? His dreams were nothing but the ideas planted by his silly old father, who reinforced his preference by making Joseph an amazing technicolour dream-coat! His coat was the symbol of his preferential treatment by his father. Sibling rivalry is often caused by foolish parents!
How many times has a parent come into a ready-made family, taking the children of the former marriage, only to hear the words: “You’re not my REAL Mum! You can’t tell me what to do!” The door slams and another young teenager, who centuries ago ran away to sea, runs away to Kings Cross, as the words pierce his new step-mother’s heart. Such cries echo in thousands of homes, splintering relationships and shattering dreams of blissful family life.
About one in every five children lives in a reconstituted or “blended” family. If the trend continues to the year 2020, families with stepchildren will outnumber families raising their own children. As in nearly all families, the bulk of child-rearing falls upon the stepmother, who, ever since the fairytale “Cinderella” has been given the title “wicked”.
The role of being a step-parent is draining and demanding. As one said, “Being a step-mum is harder than biological parenting, and the delights are fewer.” With so many adults caring for children the second time round, their own or those they have inherited, how does a parent cope? Here are a bunch of suggestions.
1. Keep a close relationship with your spouse
Marriage and children arrive at the same time for a blended family. But the marriage is still the primary relationship and therefore must be nurtured. The failure rate for second/third marriages tops the divorce rate for first marriages. Often, the strain of raising children is too much for a remarried couple.
“It was his children, not my husband that I wanted to divorce,” said one step-mum. “They drove a wedge between us and nearly destroyed our marriage and each other.” So the parent the second time round, must work to build a good relationship with their spouse. Seek counselling, if necessary, to build skills in communicating your feelings. Clarify and deal with issues before they become problems. Make decisions together.
Often a child is jealous of the love of their natural parent being expressed to a new parent. Children can feel responsible for the other parent’s absence.
2. Lower your expectations
Your dreams of “one big happy family” often set you up for a big fall, resulting in bitterness, guilt and jealousy. It takes a few years for a stepfamily to begin to be a family. Be patient and realise it may never fully come. But as respect for you grows, so will your authority.
3. Agree on a plan of discipline
With your mate, develop a plan, and then present a united front to the children. At least initially, the major part of discipline should be administered by the natural parent, who must clarify to the children that the step-parent possesses authority to discipline in his or her absence.
After divorce, children suffer by bouncing between households where standards of behaviour differ. When co-parenting with the “ex”, try hard to maintain consistency and avoid an emotional tug-of-war. Discipline in a blended family includes combating the universal phenomenon: the “Poor Little Thing” syndrome. This occurs when children are not held accountable for their behaviour in an attempt to “make up for” the painful realities of separation. Many people feel it is hard to discipline a child who has been through so much. If left unchecked, such an attitude guarantees the creation of a spoiled brat.
4. Accept your children and your situation
One difficulty in step-parenting is accepting a child’s looks, personality, habits, manners, behaviour, style of dress, speech, choice of friends and feelings – all of which had no contribution from you. You might not even like these children, who may resent and reject you. But you have accepted some degree of responsibility for their care.
Forget about “getting married and living happily ever after.” No family does. Time spent wishing for a “normal” situation is wasted. You have married into this family, so accept it as it is and make the best of it. Good omelettes can still be made with broken eggs!
5. Let Christian love direct your behaviour
An intense feeling of love for stepchildren may never come. That is okay. Keeping a child’s best interest at heart in loving ways represents the best of parenting. If you act out of Christian love – which means showing the upmost care for each child – you will do justly towards the child, and perhaps encourage a growth in love between you. But in any case, check your behaviour by the standard of Christian love.
Jesus said, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me” (Matthew 18:5). When loving is hard, treat the child as though Jesus is asking you to love this child for Him. “I’ll do this for you, Lord” has gotten many a step-parent over a rough spot.
6. Practice forgiveness
You will have to learn to forgive your stepchildren, your husband, the other influential adults in your blended family, any interfering in-laws, those who gossip about and criticise you, and a host of others.
Realise that all the responsibility for the success of your blended family does not rest on you alone. Every problem your stepchild faces does not stem from the fact that he is a stepchild. Take neither all the credit nor all the blame.
One of the worst ways we have of handling our guilt relates to our children. We try to compensate to them for what we subconsciously feel we have done by depriving them of their other parent, even if it was by death or accident. We try to buy their favour by our favours. Many fathers who have access visiting with his children lavish gifts and good times upon them. Children are quick to recognise a good thing and will take advantage of such indulgences. What is the father actually doing? He’s trying to assuage his own guilt over the failure of the marriage.
The mother, who is quite often given custody of the children, does not have the same financial resources to do the same, and anyhow knows that disciplined living is best for the child, and so is seen as a mean mother.
Children can become adept at pitting one parent against the other. The long-term effects can be devastating for all concerned. Particularly when remarriage occurs, the guilt level can rise alarmingly fast. You have to learn to forgive others: the interference of the separated parent, the sniping remarks of in-laws, and the subtle guilt that is undeserved and most of all, you have to seek God’s forgiveness of yourself.
The former partner has insidious ways of getting back at the ex-spouse through their children. By spoiling vacations and access visits; by failing to give the child a message from the other parent; saying disparaging things about the ex and the ex’s family; using the children as carrier pigeons insisting that they relate what is going on in the other parent’s new marriage and rehashing what contributed to the marital failure in the presence of the child. We all have much to forgive. (I found many insights in “To Love Again” Helen Kooiman Hosier. Abingdon Press, 1985).
7. Take time for yourself
The pressing needs of a blended family can sap you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Refresh yourself in time alone with God, with special friends and with a hobby or sport you enjoy. Increase your self-esteem, take a class, read all the books by a favourite author, volunteer at a hospital or start a stamp collection. Choose a relaxing activity that will reduce stress in your life. Balance is your goal.
You will need support, someone in whom you can confide, someone who will listen non-judgmentally and accept you unconditionally. Step-parenting can be a lonely job. A support group will help fulfil Paul’s advice (Gal 6:2) “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.”
One Australian myth makes it harder for Australians to be nurturing parents. Our belief in our self-sufficiency started with those bush pioneers who came to the Great South Land, cut off from relatives and friends. The settlers moved out to set up farms in the bush, coping on their own became a way of life. This attitude of self-sufficiency is now inbred within us.
But there is great danger here when we allow pride to say, “I don’t need anyone else – and I certainly don’t need God.” Many Australian parents fall into that trap, especially men. We believe that if we let others see what we are really like, they will reject us and we will be destroyed. It is as if we put on armour to protect ourselves. We think that everyone else has it together, so we go around pretending we are strong and capable even when our insides are screaming for help.
We assume there is no one to help when it all gets too much. No other society in history has asked this of its families; but we swallow this myth. We stiffen in our pride and self-sufficiency, not ready to admit to anyone that our family is having a rough time. To seek counselling or to go to parenting courses is seen by some as a sign of weakness and an admission of failure.
To be nurturing parents, we need each other’s help. Once we stop thinking that OURS is the only family with problems, we might be game enough to admit it to others. (“What About The Children? An inside look at family relationships” Betty-Rachael Hampton. Homebush NSW. ANZEA, 1993).
8. Build relationships with other believers
Read your Bible, pray, and worship with other Christians. God understands all your feelings, triumphs and defeats. He guides you over those rocky spots. And He keeps your secrets. Involvement with other believers helps in a practical way. If you are part of a loving Christian community, helping to meet the needs of others, it will be more natural to take responsibility for the nurturing and care of children other than your own. (“Growing A Healthy Home”. Focus on the Family. Mike Yorkey, Ed. Word Publishing, 1991).
Being a parent the second time round requires special sense and a lot of grace. You require resources other than your own. Nowhere else can you find strength to cope than from the presence of God. God brought forth a Son, Jesus Christ, then eventually by faith in Him, we become children of God. God can become your Father too by your faith. The God of the second time round is able to help you in your greatest of all challenges.
Rev the Hon. Dr Gordon Moyes AC MLC