Carrying around hurt and anger is harmful in many ways — spiritually, physically and mentally. Who exactly should you forgive, and how do you go about it?
Connie Domino, author of The Law of Forgiveness, says you should forgive everyone. She offers some tips on forgiveness, including a visualization technique, in her article, “Ten People You Need to Forgive Now,” which she has shared for you below. Forgiveness can be more simple and easier than you have imagined, and the rewards of forgiveness can be great.
Connie’s article serves to remind us that perhaps we’re making forgiveness more complicated than it needs to be. Plus, she reminds us that forgiveness isn’t the same as a pardon, and it’s the person who forgives who benefits.
Ten People You Need to Forgive Now
By Connie Domino, MPH, RN,
Author of The Law of Forgiveness: Tap into the Positive Power of Forgiveness — And Attract Good Things to Your Life
It’s that time of year when people begin thinking about making their New Year’s resolutions. For those who make resolutions year after year but never succeed, there is good news. This year you can take a whole new approach to making your dreams come true. By using a simple forgiveness technique, you can more easily and quickly meet your goals. Many of you may be surprised to see the words “forgiving” and “meeting goals” in the same sentence. I felt the same way until I began teaching a goal setting workshop for spiritually minded people in 2001. I found that lack of forgiveness was blocking them from meeting goals in every area of life.
One of the first things my workshop participants wanted to know is who they should forgive and how to know when they need to forgive. You may be wondering the same thing. You should forgive everyone you feel anger or resentment for from the sandbox right up until today. Then say one more forgiveness affirmation for anyone you may have forgotten. You do not need to contact anyone. You can forgive right in the privacy of your own home.
Bring each of the people listed below into your mind’s eye one at a time. Visualize them looking happy and peaceful. Then repeat an affirmation of forgiveness to them, something like this. “I forgive you completely and freely. I release you and let you go. The incident that happened between us is finished forever. I wish for you your highest good and I hold you in the light. All again is straight between us and peace be with you.” Then visualize them accepting your forgiveness and walking off a stage or out the door.
Here are ten people you need to forgive now:
Parents
Parents are usually on the top of the forgiveness list for many people. They blame their bad childhood for everything that has gone wrong. Most parents did the best they could with what they had to work with. However, even if they didn’t, you can tie up most of the energy you need to meet dreams and goals in your life by continuing to harbor anger and resentment towards your parents. Forgiveness is not something you do for undeserving people. It does not mean they were correct in their actions that hurt you. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It releases the hold the past has on your life, allowing you to meet your dreams and goals.
Spouses/Significant Others
This one is a hot topic in my goal setting and forgiveness workshops. It’s all about Ex’s and money and money and Ex’s — which I found do not make for a good combination. Through romantic novels, movies, and TV some of us may have come to expect more from that one special person in our lives than they can possible deliver. Sociologists who study the history of romance and marriage tell us that there are at least two primary reasons so many of our marriages fail. One is that modern Americans are one of the most marrying societies in written history. We have more marriages than ever recorded leading to more divorces than in the past. In addition, marriage has been so romanticized, we expect our spouses to meet more of our needs as opposed to married or dating people of past generations. The higher your expectations for your spouse or significant other, the greater the chance they will disappoint you. This unique situation requires more communication, more patience and more forgiveness than ever before.
Siblings, and other relatives
Most siblings (especially those born close together) experience some type of rivalry. These verbal and sometimes physical fights as children can take their toll. As adults we may need some professional assistance to discern if the line was crossed between kids having a normal amount of rivalry and whether the relationship was actually abusive. It’s easy for one child to be picked on more than others and parents may not realize the damage this produces if they chalk it up to normal sibling rousting. Forgiveness can provide great healing for anyone who has experienced an abusive relationship with one or more siblings. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, it means viewing the situation with new eyes. Often adults who didn’t get along with their siblings as children find they can develop loving and supportive relationships as adults. However, it is important to know that you can forgive without reconciling the relationship. It may not even be appropriate to reconcile certain relationships. Forgiveness will still work whether you reconcile or not. You may need to forgive other relatives too. Maybe your children made you angry, didn’t meet your expectations or never call or come to visit. Forgive your children. Life is much too short and they are much too special.
Friends
It can be especially painful when you have been hurt by a friend. Friends are people you have made a conscious decision to be in relationship with. The special relationship we develop with friends usually involves mutual trust. When we are betrayed by a friend, we may begin to question our ability to recognize qualities we hold dear such as loyalty and honesty. We may wonder if we possess some sort of character flaw that makes us susceptible to attracting people who take advantage of our good nature.
Forgiveness is especially important to heal when we are hurt by a friend.
Supervisor/Boss
People who work full time may spend more waking hours at work than at home. When at home, most people have some authority over their routine, but at work, the boss is in control. Those of us fortunate enough to have a supportive, flexible and understanding supervisor are truly blessed. When most people join the working world, it doesn’t take long to discover that a significant number of people in supervisory positions are not cut out for the job. Forgiveness, even on a daily basis, can become an important strategy for making peace with the boss.
Coworkers
If making an effort to get along with your supervisor isn’t enough to spice up your work life, there’s always co-workers to make things even more interesting. There may be days you feel more like you are in junior high school rather than work. By the time most people are adults, they have developed set patterns for establishing their place in the tribal society we call “the workplace.” While many co-workers are actually helpful and supportive, there always seems to be at least one or two who are bent on taking the “fun” out of dysfunctional. If your work environment has become emotionally toxic, forgiveness can provide the scrubbing bubbles needed to clean it up.
Governments/public agencies and organizations
It’s very easy to get mad at a non-personal entity such as a government or other public agency. It has become obvious that too many elected officials seem to have forgotten that it is the people who elected them they represent and not lobbyists and their generous donors. Also, big bureaucracies can seem cold and uncaring. Those trying to receive their services may feel like another number or just a statistic. When forgiving a government or public agency it is important to remember that it is still people who make up the agency. It is still people who need to be forgiven.
Private businesses/agencies/organizations
Many people who lost trust in governments to help solve their problems turned to the private sector and the business world. As baby boomers we were taught by our parents that if we were good, loyal, hardworking employees hired by a reputable company that we could expect to be taken care of by that company with frequent raises, benefits and a nice retirement package. When we were first married, my husband worked for a company that we thought met this description. He had faithfully worked there for 25 years when the company’s leadership announced they were sending his job and others overseas to a contracting company where they could hire cheap labor. Along with many other American workers, we felt betrayed. It took my husband several years of searching to land a job with a similar company. We had both forgiven all the people we could think of from our past and present, but had not thought of forgiving a company. When we fully forgave my husband’s company, the job he wanted hired him within two weeks. Forgiveness works when directed at individuals and just as well when directed at businesses.
God/Higher Power/Religions
I am always surprised by the people who claim to be angry with God or their higher power. They believe that God should intervene constantly in human events, preventing bad things from happening to good people. They may be forgetting that it is free will that makes us distinctly human. This includes the free will to do good or the free will to get into trouble. If given the choice, I believe most people would refuse to relinquish their free will, even if it came with a guarantee of a robotic but more peaceful existence. With any type of freedom comes responsibility. Instead of blaming God, this means accepting responsibility for our actions and holding others accountable for their actions. Forgiveness is not the same thing as pardon, but it does unbind the hold another person may have on your life. It releases the past to make way for a more positive future.
Yourself
Some people have a more difficult time forgiving themselves as opposed to others. They feel guilt and shame for events that have long past. They blame themselves and become their own worst enemy. When you begin working on your forgiveness list, don’t forget to place yourself at the top. Forgiving yourself will lighten your burden and make it so much easier to forgive others.
©2009 Connie Domino, MPH, RN, author of The Law of Forgiveness: Tap into the Positive Power of Forgiveness — And Attract Good Things to Your Life
Author Bio
Connie Domino, MPH, RN, author of The Law of Forgiveness: Tap into the Positive Power of Forgiveness — And Attract Good Things to Your Life, is a nationally acclaimed life coach, trainer, registered nurse, support group facilitator, motivational speaker, and educational counselor who teaches public health nursing at the University of North Carolina.
You can read more about Connie’s forgiveness book at thelawofforgiveness.com.
(Image via Berkley Trade)
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