Author: Amy Jen Su and Muriel Maignan Wilkins

If you want to empower, engage, or motivate others, don’t just focus on increasing your positive behaviors. Pay attention to what you need to stop doing as well. Why? Because people remember the bad more than the good. To quote from a previous HBR article, How to Play to Your Strengths, “Multiple studies have shown that people pay keen attention to negative information. For example, when asked to recall important emotional events; people remember four negative memories to every positive one.” So, which behaviors do leaders most need to avoid? Drawing on thousands of 360 qualitative interviews, here are our top three:

Judgmental, non-verbal body language. No one, especially your successful colleagues, can tolerate perceived condescension. Research studies show that somewhere between 75 to 90 percent of our impact comes from our non-verbal communication, and tone is a key ingredient of this. Do you make comments to others in a way that sounds evaluative, harsh, or condescending? Often, this is not our intention but an in-the- moment reaction. Other non-verbal offenders include scowling, furrowed brows, quizzical looks (as if to say, ‘are you stupid?’), rigidity, and sarcasm. While seemingly small, each of these subtle darts creates a considerable amount of relationship damage.

Interrupting and interrogating. There’s been a lot of buzz recently around how to have “conversations that drive innovation” and how to “create safe environments for employees to bring their ideas forward.” It’s almost impossible for people to feel safe if the boss takes up most of the airtime, cuts people off, or interrogates half-baked ideas. Yes, employees have a responsibility to communicate with clarity, but if you expect every idea to be buttoned up, fully thought out, or structured before someone speaks, your colleagues will assume that you’re not willing to invest the time to be a thought partner.

Being inconsistent. Peers and staff often comment on how discouraging it is to see a colleague act in two very different ways — absolutely charming with the executive team and external clients while being disrespectful to those they work with every day. This inconsistency makes these behaviors even more memorable and egregious. Others have shared a different impact — the feeling of walking on eggshells at work, wondering who is going to show up: “smiling, charming, funny person” or “judgmental, intense, snapping person.” Over time, this drives passive aggressive responses from others in their attempt to avoid confrontation.

Ultimately, loyalty and followership are the two things we cannot demand or set as an expectation. What is perceived as fear-based motivation, belittlement, or power play can yield real short-term compliance from others. But negative behaviors ultimately diminish the legacy we leave. Consider what behaviors you might need to stop doing so that you can have a positive, lasting impact.

Your palms are sweaty. You stumble over your words. You don’t seem to be getting a clear message across. You look around the table — everyone is more senior than you — both in age and title. You wonder if you’ll ever be taken seriously. Sound familiar? If so, you are among many who experience what we call the “grey hair complex.” The grey hair complex is a self-induced state of intimidation in the presence of more senior executives. It often begins with the false conviction that you would have more credibility if only you had the physical attributes that convey a higher level of seniority. To overcome these feelings of insecurity, you need to condition yourself in three areas: mental, technical, and physical. Here’s how.

Mental conditioning. A key factor to conveying confidence is first believing that you belong. One of our clients, Jason, struggled with this when he was first promoted to senior manager. His new position required him to spend much more face time with senior executives and at times even the CEO. Often the youngest at the table, he acquiesced to the more senior executives in meetings, and hesitated to challenge their point of view. While Jason wished for the day when the senior-level executives would see him as a peer, he refused to see himself as such. Because he did not believe that he had a place at the table, his impact was limited. Jason’s first requirement was to replace this limiting belief with one that actually helped him. When we asked Jason, “What value do you bring to the table? What’s your value proposition?” he had a hard time answering. But when we flipped the question and asked, “What would be lost if you were not at the table?” a light bulb went off and Jason was quick to list what differentiated him from the rest. His mindset shifted to what he had to offer rather than what he didn’t.

Technical conditioning. Feeling intimidated by more senior individuals often leads to one of two outcomes: either you overcompensate by aggressively advocating your point of view and emphasizing your accomplishments or you undermine yourself by hesitating in your responses and acquiescing to others. Needless to say, neither is an effective strategy. To overcome these blunders, you must technically prepare yourself by mastering basic communication techniques. Chief among these techniques is the ability to helicopter up and to speak from the executives’ perspective, taking into account their issues, agenda, and upcoming decisions. Another is the ability to communicate value in terms of what you bring to the table and the results of your work (rather than the process). Jason often got mired in the details when communicating with higher level colleagues, and therefore missed opportunities to share his insights. To stop this from happening, he started to prepare two to three key messages before every meeting, and made sure to focus on how his group’s analytical work drove value for the organization. In essence, Jason conditioned himself for the expected, leaving his “thinking on his feet” energy for those situations that were least predictable.

Physical conditioning. Which of your physical attributes negatively impacts your executive presence? The culprits are often dress, voice, and posture. On casual Fridays, Jason wore his version of casual — his favorite khakis with now-frayed cuffs and his scuffed up but comfortable loafers. Some said his attire made him more like a college intern than a high-potential individual. Jason reworked his Friday wardrobe to reflect a comfortable yet confident persona. After seeing himself on video, Jason also realized that his voice often betrayed him — the pace of his speech would quicken the more uncomfortable he was in a situation. With the help of breathing exercises, Jason learned how to be more deliberate with his points. He also learned to monitor his voice inflection to minimize “upspeak,” which had made his statements sound more like questions than assertions. Lastly, Jason realized that his posture was also holding him back. Instead of taking his typical stance of casually slouching back in meetings, he began to lean forward with his hands on the table, making good use of his physical presence to express himself.

While you cannot control your audience, like Jason, there are many things within your control that you can use to enhance your impact. And not one of those things includes feigning to be older than what you really are.

Authenticity — what is it, who has it, and how do you get it? Most people associate authenticity with being true to oneself — or “walking the talk.” But there’s a problem with that association; it focuses on how you feel about yourself. Authenticity is actually a relational behavior, not a self-centered one. Meaning that to be truly authentic, you must not only be comfortable with yourself, but must also comfortably connect with others.

Take one of our coaching clients, Mark, the COO of a private equity firm. One hour into our kick-off meeting, he asked what we thought of him. It was a risky question to answer so early in the process — yet a very important one given what we had observed thus far. Here was our response: “Clearly you are intelligent, ambitious, and passionate about the work that you do. You seem to always have the ‘right’ answer to our questions — yet we get the sense that they aren’t your ‘real’ answers. It feels like you’re telling us what you think we want to hear. We’ll be curious to find out if others in your organization are experiencing you the same way.” This response was foreboding — Mark’s 360 review bore low marks in integrity and trust, and follow-up interviews with his peers and boss drove the point home.

Mark’s colleagues didn’t trust him because they were never sure if what he said was truly what he meant. To have leadership presence, others need and want to know where you stand — they don’t want to have to guess or be blindsided midstream. While there isn’t a quick fix or a one-size-fits-all solution to increasing one’s authenticity, there are several focus areas that will certainly help:

Point of View: Having a point of view is critical to being authentic. Being open and willing to engage in exchanges on that point of view accentuates your leadership and demonstrates both strength and flexibility. By articulating his point of view on firm issues, challenges, and disagreements, Mark became more comfortable speaking his mind.

Positioning: While taking a position is important, over-positioning yourself is detrimental. Know the difference between navigating the political waters of your organization and actually becoming the politics itself. Get support for your initiatives but be transparent about what you are doing, why you are doing it, and how you are doing it. Rather than working primarily behind the scenes, Mark became more forthright in his efforts to implement change in his organization.

Personal History: At the core, you need to connect with your personal history and identify the key events, messages, and people that shaped who you are today. Mark grew up in difficult, under-privileged circumstances that he learned to navigate. When he was sent to elite schools at a young age, the message he got was “to survive this system, you need to watch your back and not rock the boat.” While that message might have served him well then, it was no longer serving him in the corporate leadership world. Exploring your personal history will often surface messages that are worth reexamining in order to truly express your authentic self.

As Robert Goffee and Gareth Jones point out in their book, Why Should Anyone Be Led By You?: “To attract followers, a leader has to be many things to many people. The trick is to pull that off while remaining true to yourself.” While it’s easy to sniff out who’s authentic and who’s not, it’s not so simple to recognize it in ourselves.

Confidence. It is an attribute we seek to have and look for in others, especially those in positions of leadership. Yet, time and time again, we meet executives who lack a confident presence. (We also encounter those who are overly confident — to the point that they are blinded by it — but that is a topic for another time). What many fail to realize is that confidence is dynamic and not a static emotion. Just like a physical muscle that needs exercise to grow stronger, a leader’s confidence requires continuous attention.

Face the Facts: To strengthen your confidence, first face the facts. When you look to your past, you’ll realize that successes often outweigh failures. And, more importantly, that you survived through the failures and gleaned priceless lessons along the way. Your track record provides an inventory of what has happened over the long run, which you can then balance against what you fear may happen in the short term.

Take for example, an executive we coached in a global marketing service — we’ll call him Dave. Having recently been promoted to a senior vice-president position (the third person to take the post in two years), Dave found himself facing new challenges: turning around a low-morale staff, driving new initiatives, and rebuilding the reputation of the department. He also had a whole new set of relationships to manage; he was now part of the executive team and frequently sought for advice by the CEO. “I often feel like I am going to get caught — that someone is going to realize that they made a mistake by promoting me into this position,” said Dave at one of our coaching meetings.

When Dave stepped into the executive suite, his confidence stepped out the window. After taking inventory of the various promotions that he had received throughout his career, Dave realized that he had successfully faced new, albeit different, challenges before. His track record served as a basis of truth against the uncertainty he currently felt. While a cliché of sorts, there is truth in the saying “confidence starts from within.” Ultimately, confidence is the counter to the fears we face — fear of failure, fear of change, fear of inadequacy.

Focus: With your track record as a foundation, it is helpful to focus on your strengths while managing your weaknesses. Most leaders are very strong in a few competencies, average in the majority of competencies, and weak in a few. Successful leaders focus on leveraging their strengths and managing their average/weak areas so that they do not become a deterrent to their effectiveness. Dave accepted that he was not going to be great at everything (nor did anyone expect him to be). With the help of a 360 assessment, he identified his strengths in “managing others” and “creating vision.” By focusing on what he knew he could contribute, Dave grew more confident in his ability to tackle the challenges ahead.

Faith: It is not by accident that the Latin root of the word “confidence” is con fidere, which translates to “with faith.” The ultimate faith is a belief in the unseen. Leaders are called to create vision and change for the future out of uncertainty — fundamentally, they operate on a level of faith that helps give purpose, strength, and trust to the path that they carve out for their organizations. Dave’s fear of failing obstructed his ability to succeed. By shifting his attention to the excitement of building, creating, and leading something new, he tapped into a deeper purpose, beyond his day-to-day successes and failures.

Confidence is a constant strengthening exercise. Like a well-conditioned muscle, it needs to be challenged and it also needs relaxation. Facts, focus, and faith each on their own may not get you there. But when you leverage all three in an integrated way, your confidence will absolutely grow.