When people in America like politicians, we’re generally sane about it. We vote for them, and put signs up in our yards. The more devoted of us will maybe purchase a t-shirt or a button. In general, we’re a rather restrained bunch.
But if there’s one thing that the Internet and Youtube have shown us, it’s that there are exceptions to every rule. Both in this country and around the world, there are people who, for whatever reason, react to politicians they love with less restraint than a fifteen-year-old at a Jonas Brothers concert. And we’ve got the links to prove it.
For a start, there’s…
1. Unwise Political Tattoos
Look, if there’s a politician out there that gives you tingly feelings, then there’s nothing particularly wrong with getting a tattoo of them. Considering the things people get tattooed on themselves these days (foreign phrases they barely know the meaning of, misspelled bible verses, penises, etc) political figures are probably on the more sensible side of the body-art bell curve.
But as a general rule, it’s probably advisable to actually wait until a politician’s term is up, or at least well established, until you permanently etch his face into your flesh. Otherwise, you run the risk being like a Star Wars fan who believed the hype and got an Episode One tattoo before the movie came out. Judging by the ‘polls closed’ label, this guy got the tattoo in November 2008, before Obama had actually served a day in office. He would have really been screwed if Obama had changed course and decided to govern on a platform devoted entirely to the promotion of child pornography and puppy kicking.
Then there’s the ‘DEAR LORD I REALLY HATE THIS PERSON’ tattoos.
Look, tattooed people, we understand that you don’t approve of Bush or Palin. Maybe you find them execrable human beings. But you know, I don’t like the post office at all, and you don’t see me walking around with a clever version of the USPS logo tattooed on my calf for all the world to see. Is permanently marking them on your body really the best way to demonstrate your hatred towards someone? When your wife leaves you, do you get her name tattooed on your arm to remind you how much she pisses you off? In forty years time, when the Bush presidency is no more than a blip in American history, this poor dude will still be explaining to his grandchildren who that weird vampire man is, and how it’s related to why mommy sometimes cries at night.
2. Kim Jong-Il, Storm God
At first glance, devotions to Kim Jong-Il probably don’t belong on this list. After all, North Koreans in general have no choice but to accept weird-ass devotions to their psychotic leader. The country even has a whole Department of Propaganda dedicated to providing this stuff.
But really, even the risk of being arrested and imprisoned without trial in a labor camp doesn’t excuse output like this.
If for whatever reason you can’t watch it, the lyrics go like this:
When General Kim Jong Il was born
the clouds opened up
and he came down from heaven,
and then there was huge snowstorm.
When General Kim Jong Il shouts out loud
storms always happen,
HUGE STORMS ALWAYS HAPPEN!
Let’s just leave aside the image of a pudgy midget-dude with weird glasses descending from the clouds amid glorious sunbeams. Outside of some very excitable meteorologists and tornado cellar salesmen, we’re pretty sure no one in the world actually thinks that huge storms are a good thing. They hurt people, destroy crops and animals, and wreck the fuck out of people’s hairdos. In other words, our boy Kim significantly impairs the local economy whenever he yells really loud.
So there’s only two possible reasons for this being included: 1. North Korea, with its lack of electricity and functioning civilization, is so dull that people look forward to storms, because flying leaves and branches are kind of their version of reality television. 2. The people at the Department of Propaganda, at the risk of imprisonment and death, are putting subversive messages into their films implying that Kim Jong-Il is in fact a destructive force. If this is the case, we applaud their strength, courage and bafflingly rebellious lyrics.
3. Campaign-Fuelled Baby Naming
In October 2008, after he attended a campaign rally, a Tennessee father decided to name his newborn baby daughter ‘Sarah McCain Palin’. He did so without telling his wife, who had picked out another name and was presumably high on drugs while he did so. We’re sure she got a nice surprise when she woke up.
We’re also sure that this kid is going to grow up totally happy and well-adjusted, seeing that she was attached by name to a failed campaign before she was a year old. And there’s also the fact that if she ever runs into the guy with the anti-Sarah Palin tattoo on his calf, he’s going to beat the crap out of her.
Still, at least it’s slightly more reversible than an unwise tattoo. At least the parents can change their daughter’s name. Or they can make up a convincing story to tell her when she gets older about a deceased great aunt called “Sarah McCain” and their devotion to British comedian Michael Palin.
And while we’re on the subject of the vice presidential candidate herself…
4. Country Music Stalk Fest
In late 2008, country artist Pat Geller released ‘Moose Shootin’ Mama’, dedicated to Sarah Palin. The video combines pictures of Palin, moose, and Palin with dead moose, leading us to assume that the songwriter and video maker either really love Palin or really, really hate moose.
She’s a Moose Shootin’ Mama
Sarah is the girl for me
Yes, Sarah is the girl for me
After it was released Pat Garrett’s song was featured on TV and several country stations. Interestingly, Garret claims that the idea was conceived by an Obama-supporting friend of his after he saw this picture, supposedly of Palin:
…and came up with the title on the spot. Mr. Garrett told the media that after his friend gave him the idea, he wrote the song in ten minutes, presumably after spending some time in the bathroom, alone. Surprisingly, the McCain/Palin campaign decided to use the song rather than issue Garrett a restraining order.
The irony here is that the image that inspired the song is in fact a fake. But still, it’s heartening that even in this day and age, the two sides of the political spectrum together can still be brought together by scantily-clad women and some Photoshopping.
5. Putin Devotional Music
Unlike the Palin song, which is basically conceived by a couple of fans, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin can attract professionally-produced videos that find widespread success across Eastern Europe.
The first, “And Vova Rules” by Ukrainian group Dress Code, is about Putin (nicknamed ‘Vova’) being a superhero. The second, by Russian band Singing Together, is about two women wishing that their deadbeat boyfriends were more like Putin.
In the original Russian version, the women long for:
Someone like Putin, full of strength,
Someone like Putin, who doesn’t drink,
Someone like Putin, who doesn’t hurt me,
Someone like Putin, who won’t run away.
This Putin-lust might sound a bit strange, but it makes more sense when you realize that the average Russian male consumes around 50 bottles of vodka a year. Sure, Putin might have cracked down on civil liberties during his term as President, but at least he isn’t too drunk to fight off the bears that attack his household daily. Get it? Because they’re in Russia.
Now, say what you want about Putin, but while Kim Jong-Il’s regime is using bribes and death threats to produce mediocre videos about snow and horseriding, Putin is actually prompting people of their own free will to not only produce music about him, but to voluntarily spend money buying it. He may be a corrupt quasi-dictator, but god damn he does the corrupt quasi-dictator thing well.
6. The Dick Cheney Fan Club: Now With Cake
‘Dick Cheney’ and ‘Fan Club’ are not really words you expect to hear used together. Even among Republicans, Cheney tends to be treated him more with grudging respect than any sort of real admiration. (Plus, that respect is mostly based on the fact that they don’t want the former Vice President to shoot them in the face.) But once again, the Internet proves that this is not always the case. The online Dick Cheney Fan Club, dedicated to ‘the beautiful human being that is Dick Cheney’, features columnists, fun facts, famous Cheney quotes and even a store. There’s also a photo gallery, which includes mind-boggling images such as a Dick Cheney Cake and, uh, this:
But even if this seems disturbing, at least you can rest assured that the site contains no…
7. Political Fanfiction
In the deepest, darkest corridors of the Internet, there exists a genre known as political fanfiction. Behind the safety of privacy-locked posts and anonymity, young women (and some men) write stories about their very favorite politicians, uh, boning each other.
This is confusing, because as any avid watcher of C-SPAN knows, getting elected to office isn’t exactly a beauty contest (Hence the saying “Politics is showbusiness for ugly people”). But hey, power is an aphrodisiac, and this is the Internet after all. We should just be grateful that there’s no one there dressed up in a bunny suit.
These days, a popular coupling in this genre is Barack Obama and his Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel. Nobody knows why, but it might have something to do with the fact that both men resemble desiccated corpses slightly less than the average politician. Some of these collections can be found here and here (the second requires membership).
I was going to copy and paste some quotes from the fanfiction, but if I did this the Department of Homeland Security would probably end up investigating me and then sending to Gitmo. And they would probably be doing the right thing. So click at your own risk, and remember that what has been seen can never, ever be unseen.