When memories can live forever online, there’s bound to be relationship issues, so we enlisted our favorite love doctor, Debby Herbenick, to share some advice. The question: When it’s all over, who gets custody of those shared digital memories? More »
When memories can live forever online, there’s bound to be relationship issues, so we enlisted our favorite love doctor, Debby Herbenick, to share some advice. The first question: Is it okay to delete the digital memories of your ex? More »
Things didn’t go so well, huh, champ? We’ve talked a lot about love, but now it’s time for our resident love doctor to talk about what happens when romance goes south. Here are the steps to breaking up… online.
Breaking up is hard to do, so the song goes, but it can be particularly painful in the digital world. If you find yourself separating from someone you’d created a digital identity with, follow these steps to keep your dignity (and assets) in tact:
1) Change Your Relationship Status If you don’t do it, they will, which makes the preemptive relationship status change the way to go. Holding on to a fake “in a relationship with” could make you look desperate to your ex or any friends who know the truth. Better to cut the cord and move on, sadness and all. If you’re not yet ready to move on and meet others (or don’t want to provoke an online war with your ex), just remove the “in a relationship with” part but don’t actually add “Single” or “Looking for Random Play.” (Yet.)
2) Yank Some Pictures Some people remove all online signs of their relationship, including Facebook photos of the two of them in happier times. If you’re both comfortable with the reminders of your time together, then no harm done (though it may make some future partners wary about why you continue to hold on to and display photos of your ex). If your ex would feel better with no photos online, then by all means respect her or his wishes. Whenever you have a choice, try to choose kindness.
3) To Unfriend or Not to Unfriend Might their feelings get hurt if you unfriend them? Yes, but such is life and love. It’s fine to unfriend someone as long as you don’t do it in a cruel way, like by sending them an evil message telling them that you’re unfriending them due to their bad breath or the way they took nearly an hour to make it through their angel hair pasta. Before unfriending, though, consider whether you might want to date or be friends again in the future. If so, unfriending could be a wrong turn. Is it really that terrible that they might read your status updates or wall posts? Wait, really?
4) Limit Their Access Let’s say you decide to stay Facebook friends but you want some boundaries. Change your privacy settings to either put them on limited profile or to modify their access for specific parts of your profile. You can limit their visibility by altering what they can or cannot see (such as placing an “Everyone but” limitation on new photos).
5) Change Your Passwords I don’t care how much you trust the person. If you shared your passwords while you were together (for some, it’s a sign of intimacy or trust), change your passwords. People sometimes do rash things in fits of jealousy, sadness, depression or revenge. As a sex and relationships columnist, I’ve heard all sorts of stories involving people breaking into each other’s email accounts, bank accounts, Facebooks and more. There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself and your assets.
6) Save Things You Want Before your ex takes photos you want off of their Facebook (or god forbid their MySpace, if they still have one), copy any photos you want to your computer just in case it gets awkward to ask for them later. Even if you don’t think you’ll want them later on, you might – even if only for the memories. If seeing the photos makes you sad, transfer them to a folder on your hard drive. Still looking at them too often? Save them to an external hard drive. Still peeking? Have a friend babysit your external hard drive until you’re able to move on.
7) Consider Blocking Them Hopefully you’ll never need to block someone, but there are always those few key creepy people. Maybe it makes you feel gross to imagine that they have any sort of access to your life or that you ever kissed them or allowed them to insert Part A into Part B (and not in a cool gadget sort of way). If that’s the case, why stop at unfriending? Block them and move on, as long as you’re okay with not being able to see their profile either (which is what Facebook blocking entails). On Gmail and many other email systems, you can also set up rules to have their emails diverted into a separate folder in case you want to be able to receive emails from them but don’t want their constant emails reminding you of what went wrong when you’re trying to get work done.
Sometimes breakups are necessary and wanted. Other times they are exceedingly sad. If you’re stuck in a real rut of sadness or depression, check out Peter McWilliams’ classic How to Survive the Loss of a Love.
Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.
Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.
Gingerbread heartbreak shot by Jared Zimmerman/Flickr used under CC license
Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.
The old videophone sci-fi concept is now portable wireless reality, and it’s not just politicians and celebrities who are doing naughty things in front of cameras. Our resident love doctor explains if and when it’s okay to bring it up.
Far too many people have had their sex lives exposed thanks to sex tapes—and not just the kind stored on digital cameras. Remember the Clay Aiken video chat sex-ish scandal? I do and it wasn’t pretty, pasty white chest and all.
Many women and men are appropriately cautious about exposing themselves online. For your sake as well as that of your partner, I’d suggest holding off on video chat sex until you trust each other—and then some. Get to know each other well enough so that you can tell whether or not they’re likely to be dishonest or if they have a strong temper. Have they tried to embarrass or shame past partners in any way? Have they tried to take revenge on former friends or exes? If so, you might want to keep your clothes on and vibrator in the drawer for the time being. Or get the Safer Sexting app for your iPhone and sext with photos for the time being.
Aside from possibly having your video chat sex on public display, there’s a more personal reason to be thoughtful about your online sex. People attach different levels of meaning to being nude or sexual with others—even if just virtually. Some people will drop their pants on or off screen for just about anyone, regardless of how close they feel. Others will only do so with people they feel close to and with whom they feel safe and connected.
Should a hot and heavy game of online Scrabble tempt you to strip away your clothes and then the next day you change your mind and stop chatting or you start dating someone else and broadcasting it on your blog, it could break that person’s heart. As such, I would suggest that you only suggest video chat sex when you have a sense that you can trust each other to be honest and private and when you can trust yourselves to be kind.
If both of those are true, then bring up video chat in the larger context of what turns each of you on. Dirty talk? Sultry texts? Lingerie? Vibrators? The Frucci Fleshlight video? By saying that video chat sex turns you on, you have the opportunity to ask the other person how they feel about it, whether they’ve ever tried it and whether they’d be open to trying it with you and under what circumstances. Oh, and whether they’d consider using the iChat roller coaster effect, which is crazy hot for sex chats.
For example, you might agree to not show faces or to promise not to take screen shots or to do some things on video (like show off your penis or vulva) but not others (like do naughty things with your iPhone). It’s all about communication, boundaries and making sure your computer settings allow you to keep your screen bright even if your hands are busy doing other things.
Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.
Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.
Webcam shot from mofetos/Flickr under CC license
Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.
Though we’ve talked a lot about dumping via text message, the burning question put to our resident love doctor is: Can you ask someone out via text message? And can you do it with video?
As technology evolves, the number of ways to ask someone out on a date grows and grows until one day you get a Farmville Cupig and wonder if it’s love. Or something. The way I see it, as long as the object of your affection texts and texts often, I think it’s a fine way to go. Just make sure you’re creative, adorable or flirtatious about asking someone on a date. If not, then you’re just being lazy which is unattractive to most.
And please, for the love of the text gods, use full words rather than something like “u want 2 go 2 the movies w/me?” It only takes two more letters to write the whole word “you”! And “to” is only one more character than “2”! If you want someone to spend hours of their precious time with you when they could be dating someone else or stalking their ex’s Facebook profile, then please take a few seconds to come up with the most creative text ever with which to ask them out.
If you’re too nervous to call and ask them out, say so in the text—that could be flattering and endearing. A video invite would be awesome and could show off your dedication and talents; just don’t do anything that would utterly embarrass yourself as too many people would show off your video invite to their 12 closest friends.
You could also create an event on Facebook (make it a secret/closed event, visible only to her) and invite her to attend. It’s more modern than Evite and she can sync the event with her Outlook calendar. If you want to go old school, call her up. If she doesn’t answer, sing a made-up song into her voicemail, asking her out. Does she like letters and regular old postal mail? Send her a letter asking her out. Technology allows us to innovate but it can also make it too easy to be lazy so make sure to use it to your advantage.
Make sure the medium you use shows off your best side. If you show someone what you’ve got and they’re not into it, try to not take it as a rejection of you. It just may not be the right fit. An artist friend of mine tells the story of how he showed up with a beautiful painting as a gift for a first a date. Though past dates had been taken aback by his forwardness, this particular woman seemed touched. A few years later, they married. So I say wear your heart on your sleeve, if you can: you will likely get turned down a few times but when you come across the right person, it will be worth it.
Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.
Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.
Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.
You go out, you like each other, then you blow it by attempting to change your relationship status too soon. Our resident love doctor explains how soon is too soon, and what other freaky behavior might ruin your good thing.
One week is way too soon to add the “in a relationship with” phrase that is simultaneously coveted and feared by Facebook users everywhere. So is one month unless you’re already uber-committed in some love story kind of way. But that doesn’t mean you have to play it so cool that you look like you’re out on the Facebook prowl while spending your nights on date after date (or video chat after video chat).
If you find someone you can’t resist, why not remove your “single” status? Or remove the Interested in men/women/men&women listing so that it doesn’t appear to others that you’re interested and available. And definitely switch out “what you’re looking for” away from “random play” or “whatever you can get” to something like “friendship.” Just please don’t put “networking.” (Does anyone else think that’s kind of douchey? Or is only me?)
There are plenty of ways to use Facebook to signal that you’re done looking—at least for now—while you give the relationship a chance. Just do not change your profile picture to a lovey dovey photo of you two. At least not until you know the other person is on board, too. Otherwise it’s like the virtual equivalent of putting a framed photo of you two on your desk, even though you’ve only been out a few times. (This actually happened to me once, years ago, and I still haven’t recovered.)
If you’re absolutely itching to become an official Facebook couple, talk to your like/love/lust interest about it first. Thank goodness the “in a relationship with” tool requires the other person to approve you first, but there’s nothing to stop an over eager, OK creepy, person from uploading photos or writing elaborate notes about their dates. Heck, I even wound up recently with my profile photo on some dude’s calendar of birthdays, even though we have never met or talked! Not cool.
If it’s a relationship you hope will have any chance of working out, please tread carefully. Facebook is here to help not hurt, but it does take some pacing—and a little self-control.
Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.
Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.
Groom changing relationship status screengrabbed from YouTube, via Mashable
Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.
Our favorite love doctor, Debby Herbenick, explains what to do after accidentally sending a romantic—or possibly kinky—message to the wrong person. And what happens when you tweet said message publicly, instead of sending direct?
If you misdirected a line about what you plan on doing with your tongue later that night to a good friend rather than your partner, I’m sure everyone can be grownups and laugh that one off. Hey, at least you have a sex life, right?
But if you misdirected such a line to your boss? Well, let’s just say that pretending your personal IM or Facebook accounts got hacked (or maybe your phone was stolen) may not be such a bad idea. Post a few ridiculous things or send another message to your boss pretending it’s from the perpetrator, and then complain about how scary the internet is for the next few days at work. For a certain segment of the population, blaming “the Internet” tends to work. Problem solved.
Now, if you tweet something out loud that was meant to be a Secret Message (I’m against using the term “direct message”, which I feel has no flavor whatsoever) you could delete it immediately but it may still show up in your followers’ Twitter feed leaving you feeling panicked and scared. Instead, try to cover your tracks with another Tweet that makes the first one seem funny or silly and something you totally meant to write but in an ironic sort of way.
Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.
Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.
Oops image by ktpupp/Flickr under CC license
Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.
Nearing Valentine’s Day, we enlisted our favorite love doctor, Debby Herbenick, to share advice on romance in the age of broadband wireless 24/7 interconnectedness. The first question: With a potential love interest, when do you friend or follow?
Most young-ish Facebookers (especially those who remember the .edu days) have so many Facebook friends that one more—especially someone they’ve maybe made out with—is no big deal. If we can be Facebook friends with our exes (and research suggests that about 80% are), then we can certainly reach out to a potential future ex date.
Chances are, if you’re dating, you’re already Facebook friends. If you’re not, then sending a friend request within one to three dates is perfectly acceptable. We all know you’re Googling each other anyway, so why pretend that you’re anything but curious? Plus, if they don’t want you to access certain parts of their page they can always put you on limited profile (which is totally my MO).
If sending a friend request cold feels desperate or stalker-ish, use your next date or IM as an opportunity to bring it up. For example, tell her or him a story about something awesome you did, and that you posted the pics on Facebook. “Wait, we’re not Facebook friends?” you say (feigning shock and confusion). “Oh”, you continue, “let me add you so you can see the pictures.” How wonderful of you! And sneaky, too.
Twitter is a little easier, since most people have public Twitter pages. You can “stalk” your new date publicly until you feel ready to formally follow. If theirs is a private Twitter feed, wait until they’ve introduced you to a few friends or co-workers before you ask to follow, lest you force an early (and awkward) Accept/Reject fork in the road to romance.
That said, just because it’s socially acceptable to become Facebook friends early on doesn’t mean that you should. If you’re prone to jealousy, please step away from the “Add As a Friend” button until you feel more secure in the relationship. Why? Because research shows that Facebook can be bad for your heart.
It’s perfectly situated for all sorts of ambiguities: Who’s that shirtless-profile-pictured guy who keeps writing on her wall? Who sent her the “private” lingerie Facebook gift? How come he’s still Farmville neighbors with his ex? And it goes on and on. Facebook has the potential to expand our scope of romantic and sexual possibilities, but it can also mess with our heads and our hearts. Then again, you often have to go out on a limb—even just a little—in the pursuit of love.
Read more of Dr. Debby’s love advice here during Gizmodo’s Bad Valentine celebration.
Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.
Facebook friends image by Dan Taylor/Flickr under CC license
Bad Valentine is our own special take on the beauty—and awkwardness—of geek love.
