Author: Jordan Carr

There has been a lot of news lately about how NBC botched its late night situation, leading Conan O’Brien to write a letter to “People of Earth” in which he bitterly noted, “It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule.”

Before leaving for good on Friday, Conan put “The Tonight Show” up for sale on Craigslist (barely used!), and spent the past few weeks mocking NBC, gloating about their losing hundreds of millions of dollars on the Winter Olympics, and announcing that he will refuse to move to a later time slot because “I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is [The Tonight Show’s] destruction.”

Amusingly enough, when Johnny Carson retired from The Tonight Show in 1992 after 30 years, Jay Leno jumped over heir apparent (and Carson’s choice) David Letterman, leading to a lot of broken friendships and hard feelings. So, in 2004, Leno announced his retirement from “The Tonight Show…effective in 2009. He did this because “I don’t want to see anybody go through that again.” Fortunately, no friendships seem to be damaged as O’Brien probably still holds a grudge from the time NBC Chief Mark Zucker got him arrested over a prank during their college days at Harvard, true story (no Pat Robertson).

Nevertheless, there have been rockier transitions over the course of history. Let’s come up with a few examples, shall we?

The French Revolution (1793-1794)

I’m not one to judge a book by its cover, but this period was called–by its supporters–the reign of terror.” Imagine if Barack Obama got up and said, “Listen, we need to start rounding up and killing dissidents. This is only going to last a few years, but after that the reign of terror will be over and everything will be fine.” It would be like if he actually advocated the secret death panels in the health care bill designed to “retire” your grandparents. Maximilien Robespierre said as much: “Terror is nothing else than swift, severe, indomitable justice; it flows, then, from virtue.” No wonder the French were pumped to have Napoleon lead them–he at least knew well enough to limit the indiscriminate killing to foreigners.

Kanye West (2005–)

First, there was that time at a Katrina telethon where Mike Myers said something about how New Orleans needs your support, to which Mr. West responded, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” Myers then literally did a double take and the camera cut to a shocked Chris Tucker. Then there was that time at the MTV Music Video Awards when we learned that Kanye West is the only person in the world who cares about the MTV Music Video Awards. He mic-jacked Taylor Swift, who was accepting her award for Best Female Video and famously said, “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!” Is there any way to follow this guy on TV with anything other than stunned silence?

Star Wars: Episode 1 (1999)

How do you feel about Qui-Gon Jinn? Can you name one of his character traits? Long hair doesn’t count. For those of you who don’t remember the movie that well, it is basically like intergalactic C-SPAN–the plot centers around an embargo around Naboo (that’s a planet), imposed on the oddly anti-trade Trade Federation. There are all kinds of scenes that take place in some sort of overcrowded interplanetary senate where aliens and people fly around on space teacups debating trade policy. That the only character from this movie whose personality anyone can describe is Jar Jar Binks is not a good sign.

William Henry Harrison (1841)

Remember how Barack Obama had a big fancy transition team designed to make sure his administration was ready to operate on day one? I don’t think William Henry Harrison had one of those. Harrison was being inaugurated as our ninth President, and despite it being a wet and rainy day, he decided to deliver a two-hour-long speech while insisting on wearing only a pair of boxer shorts while sitting on an ice throne and drinking an Icee really quickly. Stunningly, he caught pneumonia and, despite all the best opium and leech-based treatments, died a month later. Though, in all fairness to Old Tippecanoe, it was an awesome speech and totally worth it.

In entirely unrelated news, this volume of The Daily is over at the end of the month and some changes will be made, including editor in chief and the editor who puts up ridiculous tags. Again, that is entirely unrelated to this column.

Now, I’m not trying to be rude (no R. Kelly), but there are too many classes at Stanford. It is absolutely impossible to keep track of all these things. That is why I, your intrepid columnist, am here to review this quarter’s worst classes (and a few good ones). The findings here are, as always, scientific and not to be questioned.

ARTHIST 414–Italian Mannersim (Morten Hansen, 5 units)

Now, I don’t really know what this class is about, or really whether it will answer “questions of the bella maniera, anti-classicism, and center and periphery in mannerist art in light of developments in scholarship from the 70s to the present.” But the fact that it has a typo in its name (seriously — check anywhere) should disqualify it.

PWR 1–Post-Feminism, Post-Race: Gender in the Age of Obama (Dana Carluccio, 4 units)

Students: do not encourage this. If this class turns out to be popular, every other class will be “Organic Chemistry in the Age of Obama,” “Private Lives, Public Stories About Barack Obama: Autobiographies in Women’s History” and “Ancient Journeys, Modern Quests with Barack Obama.”

CHINLANG 11–Beginning Southern Min (Taiwanese) Conversation (Lin, 2 units)/TIBETLNG  –First Year Tibetan (Clark, 3 units)

It really is time for these to be conquered by a Chinese language class.

SURG 230–Obesity in America (Woodard and Morton, 1 unit)

Should we be concerned that the solutions to “Obesity in America” lie in the Surgery department? The course description advertises, “Lunch provided.” If you are teaching a course about how fat everyone is, that takes one hour once a week, it shouldn’t have a lunch break.

SURG 69Q–It’s All in the Head: Understanding Diversity, Development, and Deformities of the Face (Helms & Brugman, 3-4 units)

This one wins the coveted “Least Appropriate Pun” award, dethroning last year’s winner, “Suck On This: An Oral History of Hard Candy in America.”

CEE 268–Groundwater Flow (Kitanidis, 3-4 units)

I’m still mad at these guys for stealing the name of my eco-conscious spoken word poetry collective.

COMPMED 103–Horse Medicine (Green, 2 units)

This is replacing the much less popular class offered last year entitled “Glue and Jell-o: How to Deal with an Unhealthy Horse Old Yeller-style.”

GSBGEN 315 — Strategic Communication (Schramm, 4 units)

When your class has a 300-word description concluding with the sentence “More details provided in the syllabus,” you are demonstrably unable to teach a class called “Strategic Communication.”

GSBGEN 34 –The Economics of Higher Education (Bettinger, 4 units)

There is only one session for this class. The professor arrives to class in a stretch limo, wearing a mink coat, coated in diamonds and platinum necklaces, walks up to the microphone, yells, “Suckas!” and leaves you with a newfound appreciation for the economics of higher education.

HISTORY 231S–Early Modern Things (Findlen, 4-5 units)

Part 2 of a two-part sequence with Late Antique Stuff.

HUMBIO 87Q–Women and Aging (Winograd, 5 units)

Proposed subtitle: “The Cougar Hunt.”

MUSIC 80T–Jewish Music in the Lands of Islam (Tchamni, 4 units)

Also known as “Shhh . . . keep that racket down, they’re going to hear us.”

PSYCH 146–Observation of Children (Lomangino & Hartman, 3-5 units)

Ladies and gentlemen, the creepiest class of the quarter.

PSYCH 266–Current Debates in Learning and Memory (Wagner, 1-3 units)

This would be a better class if the professor could remember any of the older debates in learning and memory.

PHYSICS 16–Cosmic Horizons (Romani, 3 units)

No Enchanted Broccoli Forest.

But that’s not all there is. In fact, there are a few worthwhile classes. Here is that list in its entirety:

ARTSTUDI 80–Color (Edmark, 3-4 units)

Feel the excitement.

FEMST 188N — Imagining Women: Writers in Print and in Person (Miner, 4 units)

Finally, a class in the feminist studies department where you are encouraged to have fantasies about women. Approve!

GEOPHYS 60N — Man versus Nature: Coping with Disasters Using Space Technology (Zebker, 4 units)

Screw coexisting! Enough with all this pro-environment bias in the curriculum — finally a class that has the balls to try to teach us how to defeat nature.

CLASSGEN 205B–The Semantics of Grammar (Devine, 2 units)

You’re probably thinking, “This sounds boring . . . grammar is boring — why should I care?” How about because the professor enters class on a zipline shouting, “Are you ready to learn about some grammar?!?!” into a megaphone, while the class mascot (that’s right, it has a mascot) the Conju-Gator fires off a T-shirt cannon? You will be excited by the passive voice.

This break, we learned that unlike Santa Claus, Tiger Woods doesn’t stop at three hos. None of Woods’ 16 or so alleged mistresses have been confirmed, but let’s just assume for a second that all these mistresses are in fact telling the truth and Tiger had literally dozens of women waiting for him to bring the ruckus.

If so, Woods is more ruthlessly efficient off the golf course than on it–at least until allegations of a romp in a sand trap surface. His diligence in keeping many affairs secret for so long while simultaneously being the most dominant athlete in the world is an achievement worthy of recognition.

Best (Alleged) Mistress: Holly Sampson

Needless to say, there’s a lot of competition here. There’s the prostitute who was engaged to someone else. The one a British tabloid called a “sex-addicted cougar.” The one who has appeared in four films whose titles included the word “MILF.” The Playmate and prostitute. The former Miss Universe. Jessica Simpson. The one who appeared on VH1’s “Tool Academy.” Tiger’s women come from all walks of life, from Vegas cocktail waitresses to prostitutes to nightclub managers to porn stars to…O.K., maybe not all walks of life, but a lot of them.

The best is Holly Sampson, an actress who appeared on “The Wonder Years” with Stanford alum Fred Savage. Later, she’d be in over 80 porn movies, including an upcoming one based on her night with Woods. A topless Sampson alleged an affair with Woods, adding “he has talent on field and he has talent in the bedroom.”

Sampson, like many of Woods’ women, was blond and blue-eyed, making some call him a self-hating Cablinasian. Those people underestimated Woods’ Rain Man-like genius. With mistresses who looked vaguely like his wife, Woods was able to travel freely. If you saw him out at a restaurant with a blue-eyed blonde woman, you would just assume it was his wife. Do you really know what his wife looks like well enough to call him out on it? Nobody wants to pull an Austin Powers, insisting that “it’s a man, baby!”

The Mark Sanford Award for Best Electronic Message: “I will wear you out.

Was this in an ad touting Woods’ incredible work ethic that allowed him to outlast other golfers physically and mentally, or was it a text message he sent to cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs? Parents: when you name your daughter “Jaimee,” this will happen.

Best Advertising Campaign: Accenture

Accenture had a good run with Tiger Woods, including such slogans as “The road to high performance isn’t always paved,” “It’s what you do next that counts,” and of course, “Strategy 80%. Exit Strategy 80%.”

Best Career Move: Turn Evil

Woods should stop trying to market himself as a suave good guy and embrace his role as a villainous playboy. In short, less Gillette, more Axe. Specifically, a brand of Axe guaranteed to get the stripper glitter out. Also, he should do Viagra ads that are basically reenactments of Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin’” video.

Woods should leave his wife, start hanging out with Charlie Sheen and bring at least two scantily-clad women everywhere. He should refer to other golfers as “cracka-ass crackas,” grow cornrows and put out a rap CD. He would be a mature, responsible family man who ditched his wife to become a selfish, childish jerk with immature friends. It would be like watching a romantic comedy in reverse.

Best Rumors: All

The car accident was a fraud to cover the damage Nordegren did to Woods’ face. Woods is in Phoenix having facial reconstruction surgery. Nordegren fled to a private Swedish island. Woods paid women to say he was good in bed. Woods had “crazy Ambien sex.” Nordegren will sign with Puma to spite Woods. Nordegren chased him down the driveway with a golf club, causing the crash. Woods was high when he crashed. Woods has a pill/sex addiction.

Woods’ marriage was a sham. Woods funded his mistress’ liposuction. Woods used bribery and threats to keep his mistresses quiet. He watched “Desperate Housewives” with one mistress. Tiger Woods spiked a story about his affairs by agreeing to appear on the cover of Men’s Health. Woods appeared standing behind Barack Obama as his caddy next to the headline “10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger” in the January 2010 issue of Golf Digest (O.K., that happened).

I can’t say whether these rumors are true or false–the debate never ends. The most private and famous athlete went from nobody knowing anything about him and assuming he is boring to nobody knowing anything about him and assuming that he is an Ambien-fueled sex monster whose wife left him looking like Harvey Dent.