Author: Julian

Don Juan may be the original lady-killer, whose breeches no woman could resist, but he was a fictional lothario whose exploits were bound to the stage, or the libretto, or the page; or, perhaps, if we can find ourselves once again in this post-feminist, enlightened age, to the reveries of women desirous of a little… action. And though he has lent his name to any man who too keenly makes the fairer sex his prey, his adventures have been long outdone by the living.

Genghis Khan (1162–1227)

In fact, centuries before Don Juan first set hearts aflutter in Tirso de Molina’s 1630’s play El burlador de Sevilla y convidado de piedra, Mongolian warlord and disreputable dictator, Genghis Khan, was lending an unsettling gravitas to the term ‘lady-killer’. Though he is remembered today for conquering a people and founding an empire, his sexual conquests were no less devastating. The tyrant’s fondness for a fertile female has led Russian scientists to predict he has 16 million male descendants living today: the most loathsome of lotharios.

Exploits: all of Mongolia

Giacomo Casanova (1725 – 1798)

Venetian adventurer and author, Giacomo Casanova, has long sparred with Don Juan (in Italian, Don Giovanni) for the name most synonymous with the art of seduction. Perhaps he was inspired by the exploits of his fictional progenitor, for he was apparently present at the first performance of Mozart’s opera Don Giovanni in 1787. Regardless, Casanova proved many times over to be an adept, unscrupulous lover, who believed he was born for the opposite sex. His first sexual liaison was with two sisters, Nanetta and Maria Savorgnan, a precocious introduction to carnal pleasures and a taste of things to come.

Exploits: 120 with women and girls mentioned in his memoirs, as well as many veiled references to male lovers.

Pablo Picasso (1881 – 1973)

Fernande, Eva, Olga, Marie-Therese, Dora, Francoise, Jacqueline: these are the names of the important woman in the life of seminal Spanish artist, Pablo Picasso. Though each of these women played a crucial role in the painter’s life and art, each was replaced by another, with all but one suffering some sort of mental breakdown in his wake. Post-Picasso, Fernande Olivier lived in sorrow until her death; Olga Koklova became his fitful stalker; Marie-Therese Walter hanged herself; Dora Maar became a recluse; Jacqueline Roque shot herself when he died; only Francoise Gilot, who began her affair with the sixty-something Picasso when she was 23, avoided an unhappy fate.

Exploits: quite a lot; often fatal

John F. Kennedy (1917 –1963)

A beautiful wife (Jackie Onassis) and a sex-bomb mistress (Marilyn Monroe) were not woman enough for former US president, John F. Kennedy. The glamorous head of state once confided that if he went too long without a woman he’d suffer a clamorous headache; a fate he took pains to avoid. Linked to a string of high-profile women, including actresses Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickinson, Kim Novak, Janet Leigh and Rhonda Fleming, he is suspected to have had several more encounters with women relatively unknown. Thanks to his dashing good looks and sexual precocity, coquettish young women would apparently more or less queue up at the door to the White House asking for Mr President.

Exploits: more than Clinton

Ian Fleming (1908 – 1964)

It should come as no surprise that the creator of James Bond, the fictional spy who spends as much of his time gathering beautiful women as he does intelligence for the secret service, was himself a jet-setting womanizer with a predatory disposition. Evidently irresistible to women, Fleming could seduce them in four languages, and went about doing so with Bond’s aplomb. His friend Mary Pakenham once said: ‘No one I have ever known had sex so much on the brain as Ian.’ Yet, though he loved women, he evidently didn’t like them much, once telling a friend women were like pets or dogs; men were the only real human beings, the only ones he could be friends with.

Exploits: various, sometimes involving whips.

Hugh Hefner (1925 – present)

For Hugh Hefner, womanizing is not so much a hobby as a career and a way of life. The Octogenarian founder of soft-porn magazine, Playboy, surrounds himself with as many scantily clad ‘Playmates’ as he can, promoting his lifestyle to his magazine readers, while blithely eschewing a more politically correct attitude towards women. Some say Hefner developed his errant ways after discovering his first wife had had an affair while he was away in the Army in the 1950s. One profile of the bon vivant claims his wife had allowed him to sleep with other women as recompense for her infidelity, in the hope it would save their marriage. Mistake: they divorced in 1959 – though her loss was the porn industry’s gain.

Exploits: up to seven at a time, including Donna, Marilyn, Lillian, Shannon, Brande, Barbi, Karen, Sondra, Carrie, Izabella, Tina, Holly, Bridget and Kendra, to name a few.

Wilt Chamberlain (1936 –1999)

Wilt Chamberlain, the late American professional NBA basketball player, is as famous for playing the ladies game as he is for the ball game. His claim to sexual fame was that he had bedded some 20,000 women during his lifetime, which, if true, would mean he had slam dunked an average of 1.14 women a day. Though the claim brought him derision, being oh-so-unlikely, he was nevertheless a bona fide tomcat and interminable pick-up artist. Like Hefner, his extreme sex drive is thought by some to be down to overcompensating for female rejection during his teenage years.

Exploits: 20,000 women if you can believe it.

Jack Nicholson (1937 – present)

Jack Nicholson, he of the pointy eyebrows and the rictus grin, is a lady-magnet whose magnetism no lady can resist. The Oscar winning actor is famous for his lascivious pursuit of leading ladies, allegedly bedding 2,000 women and spawning six children to five mothers. His longest relationship was with Angelica Huston, which lasted for 16 years, ending when the media reported that Rebecca Broussard had become pregnant with his child. His louche behavior has continued into his dotage – though at 71 he admitted ‘it’s not so nice when you are 71 and looking for some action’. Still, the old roué’s reputation is assured, and he once featured in Maxim magazine’s Top Ten Living Legends of Sex list.

Exploits: actresses and models mainly, including Michelle Phillips, Bebe Buell, Lara Flynn Boyle, Angelica Huston, Lorraine Nicholson, Susan Anspach, Amanda de Cadenet and Amber Smith.

Warren Beatty (1937 – present)

Warren Beatty beats even Jack for the mantel of Hollywood’s most notorious womanizer. Now in his seventies, and happily married to actress, Annette Bening, in his relative youth the Oscar winning actor and director was unrivalled in his lady-winning ways. At the outset of his career he allegedly dated Natalie Wood while making Splendor in the Grass, abandoning her in a restaurant after making a successful pass at a waitress. He went on to date, and bed, and kiss and grope so many women that Woody Allen once joked that if he believed in reincarnation he would come back as Beatty’s fingertips. In 2009 a biographer claimed that Beatty had slept with around 12,775 women, though Beatty disputes the figure. It is widely rumored Beatty is the subject of Carly Simon’s hit song You’re So Vain, though she has never confirmed this.

Exploits: too many mention, but, for starters: Julie Christie, Jacqueline Kennedy, Joni Mitchell, Bianca Jagger, Diana Ross, Diane Keaton, Maria Callas, Faye Dunaway, Princess Margaret, Linda McCartney, Vivien Leigh, Vanessa Redgrave, Brigitte Bardot and Cher.

Many people admit to being animal lovers, but a small number take the term to extremes – and fewer still of these go shouting from the barn rooftops about their exploits. We just wouldn’t understand. That said, for zoophiles it’s not always about sex or even erotic attraction; the love for that dog, horse or dolphin may be of a purely emotional kind. And yet for every person who professes to have a ‘genuinely loving relationship’ with an animal, there are others who’ve misinterpreted the expression heavy petting or simply decided bestiality’s best. Here are seven people who came shamelessly out of the stable – or were forced out barking and screaming. Bambi lovers beware.

Horse Riding Mr Hands, Washington

In 2005, Kenneth Pinyan came to ignominious fame at the last when he died shortly after being anonymously dropped at an emergency room in rural Washington. The cause of death: a perforated colon. Police investigating the case followed clues like hoof prints to a nearby horse farm, where they found bucket loads of videos of the 45-year old Boeing engineer and others being ridden by Arabian stallions. Pinyan had been distributing the home made horse porn under the name Mr Hands. Because bestiality wasn’t illegal in Washington State at the time, no charges were filed, but the scandal soon changed that with a bill passed banning sex with animals and its videotaping. There were few naysayers.

Stimulating Dolphin Story, UK

Flipper fans take note. In 1991, animal rights activist Alan Cooper was acquitted after being accused of outraging public decency by masturbating a well known tame dolphin off Britain’s northeast coast following complaints from onlookers. After five days of evidence, including descriptions of how Freddie was known to tow bathers through the water by hooking his large penis around them – thus finding a social rather than sexual use for his erect member – the jury cleared the 39-year-old man of the lewd act with which he was charged. In summing up the £30,000 cost of the sensational trial, the judge said this had been “the most expensive lesson in dolphin sociology” he had ever heard of. Stimulating.

Do You Take this Goat? Sudan

A man in Sudan caught with his pants down having sex with a neighbour’s goat in 2006 was ordered by a council of elders to pay the owner-cum-in-law a dowry of 15,000 dinars ($50) and marry the beast. After hearing a loud noise at midnight, the neighbour rushed outside to find the amorous Mr Tombe with his caprine conquest. Asked what he was doing, Tombe fell off the goat’s back and was quickly tied up. But instead of sirens, the incident prompted the sound of wedding bells: the council decided against the police in favour of making Tombe take the goat, Rose, for his wife. Tragically, Rose died just months later after choking on a plastic bag, though she did leave a kid – thankfully not half human – behind.

Doing it Doggy Style, Cambodia

In 2005, a newlywed husband caught by his wife in the midst of a “passionate embrace” with the family dog proclaimed he loved his canine companion more. After being busted in bed with the two year old mongrel bitch, the 24-year old man compounded matters by asking for a divorce, and he and his 20-year old wife soon separated. “We cannot solve the problem of his relationship with his dog, because under Cambodian law it is not strictly illegal,” commented the frank yet sensitive district police chief. “It is amazing, but this husband is not crazy. It seems he is a passionate human being who looked at a dog, and the more he looked, the more passionate he became.” Told like true romance.

Man Weds Dog, India

In southern India, 2007 saw another union between man and man’s best friend, this time inside the sanctity of wedlock. A man, one P. Selvakumar, married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony in an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death – an act he believed cursed him. The 33-year-old Selvakumar tied the knot with the sari-draped former stray, named Selvi, who was chosen by family members, then bathed and clothed for the wedding at a temple in Tamil Nadu. But while the bride may have looked bonny, some have questioned whether a man who hung the bodies of the dogs he killed from a tree 15 years earlier is fit to be a kind and caring husband, let alone a pooch’s pal or chum.

Till Death Deer, Wisconsin

Wisconsin set the sordid stage when, in 2007, Bryan James Hathaway was convicted for having sex with a dead deer. The 20-year old was sentenced to probation and evaluation as a sex offender, the least some had hoped for. The case brought up some interesting legal issues because the statute prohibits sex with animals, but fails to mention carcasses, which in turn raised the issue of at what point a dead animal ceases to be an animal. Such philosophical interpretations cut little ice with the court, however, and Hathaway pleaded no contest to a charge of “mistreatment of an animal”. In 2005, he was also convicted after shooting a 26-year-old horse dead in order to have sex with it. Steady on chap!

Real Snake Charmer, India

A woman from India was allegedly so charmed by a cobra that she was married to it at a traditional Hindu wedding celebrated by 2,000 guests. Bimbala Das claimed a bond of understanding existed between them, saying, “we communicate in a peculiar way”. Maybe so, but during the union the hesitant groom failed to emerge from his nearby ant hill abode, a brass replica standing in instead. Having previously been ill, Das recovered when she offered milk to the snake and soon fell in love. After converting to the animal-loving Vaishnav sect, she gained permission to marry the cobra, but a recent investigation suggests the incident may have been staged as part of a local religious power struggle.

Sometimes, here at PopCrunch, we can’t help but feel dissatisfied with our lot. It’s not that scrutinising the lives of celebrities isn’t a riot, that following their failure is not fun, and marvelling at their weight gain not an excellent way to pass the time; it’s that sometimes we wouldn’t mind trading in our gossiping malfeasance for a wardrobe malfunction. That is, we’re jealous. And never more so than when we see how the other half live. To console ourselves, we say the extravagant palaces of the rich and famous are tacky, distasteful, ostentatious. Here are a few of the worst. We’d hate to live like this.

Britney Spears

Here’s Britney’s pad. Disgusting isn’t it? It’s called Chateau Suenos, which translates as House of Dreams. Situated in the quiet yet star-studded neighbourhood of Calabasas, just outside Los Angeles, it’s a $10.5 million mansion housing a cinema, swimming pool and spa. It might look like a house for life, but for Britney it’s a stopgap. She just rents this dive while building her real dream house in the area.

John Travolta

John Travolta lives in an airport. At night, when no one is looking, he rides the baggage carousel for fun.

Will Smith

Will Smith allegedly suffered ‘House-Building Stress’ when building this barrack. Back in 2004, when his modest family home was but a pile of expectant rubble, he said in an interview: ‘Listen everybody; I’m into having a good, powerful, bustling American economy, but don’t build no house!’ Should have gone for a one-up two-down.

Candy Spelling

This is Candy Spelling’s home. She recently put it on the market for $150 million, making it the most expensive house in the world. Why’s she selling up? ‘As you get older, you know, it’s a lot to walk.’ We sympathize.

Shaquille O’Neal

Basketball player, actor and rapper Shaquille O’Neal has more than one gargantuan mansion to his name. Here’s the inside of one of his homes, situated on the appropriately named Star Island. Cosy.

J Lo and Marc Anthony

Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez live here. Big isn’t it? It looks like two houses; and boasting nine bedrooms, 12 bathrooms, a gym, a recording studio and more, they need never see each other ever again.

Oprah

Oprah’s got a house or two. She owns a pad in New Jersey, an apartment in Chicago, an estate on Fisher Island, a house in Georgia, a ski house in Colorado, a property in Hawaii, and a home in Antigua. Then there’s the one pictured, in Montecito, California, which she calls ‘The Promised Land’. Ew.

Rod Stewart

This is Rod Stewart’s Beverly Hills behemoth. Pictures of its interior reveal it’s as yellow on the inside as it is on the outside, and that he’s got a penchant for a naked bust.

Beckingham Palace, US

This is Beckingham Palace, Beverly Hills, belonging to David and Victoria Beckham. Priced at $22 million dollars, the six-bedroom, nine-bathroom house is in a 13,000 square foot plot with ocean views: the ultimate trophy estate.

Ira Rennert

The homes on this list are but McMansions compared to Ira Rennert’s enormous digs. The self-made billionaire is as famous for his home as he is for his self-made billions. His massive waterfront compound, which is thought to be the largest house in the US, contains two bowling alleys, two tennis courts, two squash courts, game rooms, a basketball court and at least 21 bedrooms: all this for just Rennert and his family. Monstrous!

Their powers may have faded from the glory days of Imperial, old-world Europe, but what today’s royals lack in governing power they make up for in sheer class and style. The young royal ’set’ can often be found partying across the nightspots of the globe, from St. Tropez to Rio, London to Ibiza – just don’t ask them to go to war (excepting Harry!) or actually govern a country with the iron fist of their grand ancestors.

10) Prince Andrea of Monaco

The eldest son of Princess Caroline of Monaco has been blazing a trail across the most achingly hip party spots of Europe for several years now, setting hearts aflutter with his lock of blond hair and devil-may-care attitude to life. Included by People magazine in the Top 50 World’s Most Beautiful People, Andrea is often snapped with socialite girlfriend, Tatiana Santo Domingo, sunning himself and partying until the early hours in Ibiza – but he’s not just a pretty face. Fluent in French, English and Italian, the prince is also deeply involved in several charities, spending eight months in Africa teaching young children, and is currently pursuing graduate studies in New York City.

9) Princess Beatrice of York

As grandchild to the Queen, Beatrice is the first female, and fifth in line, to the British crown and the sixteen independent states of the Commonwealth realm. Currently studying for a degree in history at Goldsmiths University, London, she makes relatively few official appearances, but is often seen emerging from the most fashionable London nightclubs in the early hours – it is even rumored she can drink her notoriously hard-partying older cousins, Prince William and Harry, under the table. Along with her sister, Eugenie, they are the only granddaughters of the Queen to hold the style princess, and she was the subject of controversy recently when it emerged that palace officials had spent nearly $400,000 renovating a room in St. James palace, London, for her to live in while she studies. Hardly your typical student digs then.

8) Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden

Princess Victoria is the heiress-apparent to the Swedish throne, and although she may not be your typical blonde-haired, blue-eyed Swede, she certainly generates her fair share of male attention. She has often been the subject of intense press speculation surrounding her romantic life, and after being snapped looking unhealthily thin at a Gala in 1997 it emerged she was suffering from anorexia. Victoria subsequently spent a period in the US receiving professional help and studying at Yale University and today is the radiant beauty we all know her for. In February 2009 it was confirmed that she had become engaged to long-term love, Daniel Westling, her personal trainer and gym owner.

7) Charlotte of Monaco

Princess Charlotte Casiraghi, a.k.a. Charlotte of Monaco, was seriously blessed when she came into this world: not only is she fourth in line to the throne of Monaco (doesn’t get a lot more glamorous than that, really), but she’s also a straight up babe and oh-so chic to boot! This brunette bombshell seems to be eternally on holiday in the most fashionable parts of the world and has spent the last few years strengthening her ties in the fashion world and hanging out with Stella McCartney. The two met when Charlotte wrote for a magazine Stella edited and it now seems the young Monegasque, whose grandmother Grace Kelly was a patron of Dior, Balenciaga and Yves Saint Laurent, is set to make waves in the fashion world.

6) Princess Eugenie

The Queen’s other granddaughter, Eugenie, is younger and slimmer and less high-profile then her sister, Beatrice, but make no mistake, she is the epitome of royal poise and beauty. She caused outrage at her public school in 2008 when she cavorted in the nude and absolutely drunk around the school with a group of friends, celebrating their graduation. Sounds like our kind of girl! These days she keeps out of the limelight, and is currently studying for a degree in Art History, English and Politics at Newcastle University – having actually got decent grades at school, unlike her cousin Harry!

5) Prince Carl Phillip of Sweden

Think Orlando Bloom, crossed with polo hottie, Nacho Figueras, and you’re getting close. Prince Carl Phillip of Sweden has chiseled cheek bones and the luxurious lifestyle to go with it. Known for his passion for fast cars, which he began racing in Karlskoga in 2004, he also has a creative side and has exhibited his photographic work on more than one occasion, as well as being a tough guy in the Swedish Navy (can you be ‘tough’ in the Swedish Navy?). The whole package then? Well not quite, perhaps. According to insiders his one flaw is his terrible fashion sense, and he often has to be dragged off to Gucci by his sister, Princess Madeleine, and long-term girlfriend, Emma Pernald – tough life, eh?

4) Zara Phillips

A vision of regal beauty, with her blonde hair and sharp riding outfits, Zara Phillips is the epitome of English equestrian privilege. Granddaughter to the Queen, but only through the female line, she is not styled as a princess but remains twelfth in line to the throne. Often seen leading the style race at British horse events, Zara has forged for herself a successful equestrian career, winning both European and World championship events and gaining herself an MBE in the process. But if you’re thinking about chatting up this royal hottie, think again – rugby playing boyfriend, Mike Tindall, is 6 ft 2 and 16 stone and smashes people up for a living!

3) Princess Madeleine of Sweden

With her blond hair and sparkling blue eyes, Princess Madeline is the embodiment of a Nordic-princess fantasy, and she leads a flamboyant life too: she is best known for her stunning good looks, wild partying, a foiled kidnap attempt by Eastern European gangsters and the fact that she is a paparazzi ‘honey pot’. Since attempts by royal advisers to calm her down and shed her party-girl image, she has devoted most of her time to studying, completing internships at the UN and working for her mother, Queen Silvia’s foundation World Childhood Foundation. Nice.

2) Prince William

When it comes to patrician style, natural born class, stately leadership and old-world royal poise, Prince William is the cream of the crop. William has inherited his mother, Princess Diana’s, elegance and grace, and whilst he may not be quite as flamboyant as his younger brother, Harry, what he lacks in wild-style he makes up in imperial strength. The second in line to the British throne serves in the military with his brother and has recently undertaken a course to become a helicopter pilot with the RAF. But it’s sad news for you girls out there: the Prince’s rocky relationship with on-off girlfriend Kate Middleton took a positive step recently when speculation mounted that Buckingham palace had stocked up on Champagne ahead of an imminent engagement announcement.

1) Prince Harry

Royal heartthrob, Harry, is best known for one thing: his wild ways. Where should we start? The Hitler costume worn to a fancy dress party, the snorting of the vodka out of shot glasses while holidaying in Namibia, smoking weed at age 16, getting caught on camera feeling up his female friend last year, using a racist term to describe an ethnic recruit on his army commissioning course… Well, we’d really rather celebrate the prince’s good side. Devilishly handsome and a skilled horseman and polo player, Harry insisted on doing his bit and accompanying the Household Cavalry Regiment to the front line in Afghanistan. Sure, he only lasted three months before his cover was blown and he was extracted sharpish, but in our book that makes him a pretty gnarly dude. And handsome to boot.

Sometimes you’ve got to get dirty before you can get clean. The soap world may be a daily part of millions of lives around the world, but behind the gripping plot lines and much loved characters, lies a secret world of off-screen politics, competitive courting, cliquey casts and cynical producers. Ahead of a new book dishing the dirt on this cutthroat world from one of soap’s biggest stars, Victoria Rowell, we thought we’d tease you with a few tasty secrets about the soap world. Be warned these secrets come straight from the inside and will shock and surprise in equal measure…

5) Sleeping with the Costume Designer

We’ve all heard tales of colleagues who slept with their bosses to get that promotion, and rightly or wrongly, we usually decide to dismiss them as hearsay. Well, it seems that in the soap world competitive courting is not only a reality, but goes as far as the costume designers on set.

Victoria Rowell assures us that on one show she worked on (which shall remain mysteriously unnamed) competitive courting of the costume designer, presumably to secure the best costumes on set, was actively engaged in by up to 30 cast members at a time. It may come as a surprise, but costume designers – responsible for the presentation of actors and actresses – are part of an off-screen crew that wields an enormous amount of power behind the scenes. Exact figures for how many successfully closed their advances are not known – but what is obvious is that the world of soap can be a seedy place, where doing the nasty with the right person is sometimes what it takes to clamber up that greasy pole.

4) African American Storylines Come Out in Summertime

There are various powerful and surprising forces at work behind the scenes of your favorite soaps, some of which might just make you double-take. One of the less well known secrets outside the industry is that storylines involving African American characters come to the fore, or get ‘pumped up’, during the summer months. Seems weird, so why is this?

To cut a long story short, it seems a few producers and scriptwriters appear to still be taking the tired and downright offensive notion that only African Americans are at home during the summer as true. Believing everyone except African Americans would have jetted off on holiday, or be out at their holiday home boating, these producers attempt to cynically target those who they feel will be their core viewers during this period. The whole idea is rubbish, of course, but it shows an uglier side of the ratings war and hints at some deep lying problems at the heart of the soap world.

3) Shhh… Don’t Tell Anyone: Soaps are Dying

Hush, hush… don’t tell anyone – especially your mom. Soaps are, apparently ‘dying’. Yes, you heard it here first, courtesy of Victoria Rowell. Well maybe not first, but it is a commonly accepted fact in the soap world, and a little known one outside it.

Once upon a time there was real life, and then there was ‘reel’ life. People who lived in real life liked watching people who lived on ‘reel’ life, because it seemed much more interesting and rewarding. They could live out their dreams vicariously, or experience their worst fears without bearing the consequences: essentially they could emotionally invest in soaps in a way they couldn’t in real life.

Today soaps are falling like flies and there are a variety of reasons. Writers have sacrificed the successful formula of a heightened version of real life, for endless headline grabbing plots of murder, incest, divorce and violence – effectively numbing their viewers into submission. As a result soaps have become more costly to make, with less viewers, making them an unattractive production. People have turned to other forms of pop entertainment: blogging and online gossip pages have stolen people’s attention, and in many ways, Facebook and Twitter have helped turn our own social lives into something closer to soap operas. The bottom line is: why watch soaps when your own life can be one?

2) Black Writers Are Held Back

The vast majority of the viewers for the ever-popular The Young and the Restless are African American, a fact that is only supported by the show’s massive popularity in the Caribbean. Many of its most prominent actors and actresses, as well as storylines, involve African Americans – yet there has, however, never been a black writer. Victoria Rowell feels this is indicative of a secret conspiracy that lies behind the soap world and the writers and producers who control it, something that mirrors the dark social reality at the heart of America.

Victoria Rowell was herself asked to write for the show briefly, but declined, turning down the chance to become the first ever African American writer for the show. She feels that whereas the soap establishment is happy to have black actors and run storylines around African American communities, the real power and controlling influence is held by whites behind the scenes, just like political reality in America. It seems that the secret heart of the soap world resembles real life in a darker, more disturbing way than we might ever have imagined.

1) Victoria Rowell is Blackballed

Victoria Rowell is one of the nation’s most loved stars, famed for playing the vivacious Drucilla Winters in The Young and the Restless, and Dr. Amanda Bentley in the cult TV show Diagnosis: Murder. But a little known secret is that she is being held back from garnering the applause she deserves by soap colleagues who resent her and constantly shut her out from the all important pre-nomination list for the Emmy awards.

Victoria says this is symptomatic of the cutthroat, boot-licking world that soap really is behind the scenes, and puts it down to the fact she doesn’t fraternize with the right people. Backstage politics, cliquey casts and a crew who hold an enormous amount of power – from costumes, to filming – all play a huge part in deciding exactly who gets put up for what nomination. And although it might shock and upset you to realize that all too often acting prowess and artistic ability take a backstage to off-screen politics, yet again we see how closely soap mirrors real life: both on-stage and off-screen, and in a way we might find highly uncomfortable.

For more tasty secrets from Victoria, check out her new book Secrets of a Soap Opera Diva.

In their heyday, they had it all: looks, fame, money, talent. Now, no one can take away their genius (however faded), often their purses have grown fat with royalties, and though their fame may have wavered at times, they’re still household names. As for their looks, well that’s another story. Rock n roll lifestyles, creeping neuroticism and band member conflicts have taken their toll, and while once these icons of 60s soared high in the stratosphere of stardom, today spring chickens they most certainly are not. So here are seven stars you might have trouble recognising, in view of their former glory.

The Monkees

The made-for-TV pop quartet of Micky Dolenz, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork and Englishman Davy Jones may have spent the mid-60s monkeying around to their bubblegum tunes (then valiantly trying to deny their industry roots) but the ‘pre-fab four’ ain’t so sprightly anymore. After a string of reunions through the 80s and 90s, 2001 saw Dolenz, Jones and Tork tour the US – though the latter’s constant complaining soon got him fired by his band mates. Long gone are the cheeky comic book personae of these erstwhile pop primates, and false teeth and monkey peanuts don’t mix.

Neil Sedaka

Is that a senator smiling an elect-me-please smile? Close, it’s a shot of Neil Sedaka that accompanied a 2009 interview with the singer of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do”, “Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen” and other, erm, classics. Although Sedaka’s popularity had plummeted by the end of the 60s, the cunning multi-lingual crooner made a comeback in the 70s, working with Elton John and tour supporting the Carpenters, who later fired him – allegedly for stealing the show. Sedaka continues to perform today, and even after a career spanning 50 years that tan shows no signs of fading.

Bigitte Bardot

Arguably the 60s’ sexiest star, actress, singer, fashion model and, later, animal rights activist Bigitte Bardot was everything good about France, dressed in a bikini – the garment she helped popularise. Then, everyone loved Bigitte, and with good reason; though latterly matters have taken a turn for the worse. In 1989, she landed in hot water for castrating a neighbour’s donkey due to its “sexual harassment” of her own mare, and more recently for five counts of “inciting racial hatred”. Controversy aside, her looks bring to mind a prune in the sun, but she is 75 and doesn’t look like she’s been under the knife either.

Crosby, Stills and Nash

Folk rock supergroup Crosby, Stills and Nash may be legends, but behind those false teeth smiles and the band’s elaborate vocal harmonies lies a history of acrimonious discord. Born from the ashes of The Hollies and The Byrds, the sweet-sounding hippy activists with the suspect facial hair recorded their debut hit album in 1969, and went on to recruit Neil Young as a fourth member. Egos, bickering and substance abuse saw the band implode several times through the 70s and 80s, but the good old boys have been gigging again in recent years, including a 2009 show at Glastonbury Festival.

The Troggs

Most famous for their oft-covered hit single, “Wild Thing”, The Troggs formed in 1964, but had disbanded by ‘69, with major success eluding them. After largely fruitless attempts at reviving their career over the decades, peddling various versions of their most famous hit (one of them with notorious booze hound Oliver Reed), two of the original members passed way in 1992 and 2008 respectively. Still, these proto-punkers – never the greatest players – left a lasting legacy, and as pics show, grizzled lead guitarist Reg Presley can still rock the mic with the best of them on stage. Well, sorta.

Ursula Andress

In the light of that scene from Dr. No, where she emerges from the Caribbean Sea in a white bikini, sexiness personified as shell diver and Bond bed notch Honey Ryder, today Ursula Andress looks a bit scary. The movie entrance that made her the quintessential Bond girl – catapulting her to stardom and into the male fantasies of a generation – is often voted cinema’s sexiest moment. So hot was Andress in her day that the bikini she wore sold for £35,000 at auction in 2001. We’d definitely have bought it for our personal collection if it was fresh off her firm flesh in 1962, though maybe not nowadays.

Simon and Garfunkel

School chums turned folk songwriters Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel rose to stardom with “The Sounds of Silence”, and soon made noise as one of the most popular artists of the 60s. Success followed, but so too rising tensions, and the ironically titled album, Bridge Over Troubled Water signalled the duo’s second major breakup. Reunions occurred in the 80s and 90s, before the Noughties saw the old timers reunited for more touring and gigs. The singers with the choir boy voices may not have aged quite as well Mrs. Robinson, but they’re still proof that age is no barrier for partnership able to sing tunes like “I Am a Rock”.

The age-old conflict between East and West is endlessly debated by critics in terms of soundtracks, acting abilities and budgets. We thought we’d add to the intellectual debate by examining what really matters to film watchers. Yes, you guessed it…boobs. Read on to see some of film’s hottest beauties pitted against each other before our judges. But who will triumph? advice

10. Tanushree Datta vs Carmen Electra

The judges love the size and weight of both these contestant’s creamy jugs, so it’s going to come down to form. It’s very close, but unfortunately there has to be a winner and Carmen is awarded extra points for perfect shape and pertness. Hollywood wins it – by a nipple.

SCORE: Bollywood 0 – Hollywood 1

9. Bipashu Basu vs Megan Fox

Megan Fox earns some quick early points by appearing in oh-so-cute pink lingerie, accompanied, by a teddy bear – but this contest is about boobs not bears. For sheer pertness Bipashu’s bazongas are almost unbeatable, so Bollywood collect the points.

SCORE: Bollywood 1 – Hollywood 1

8. Koina Mitra vs Jennifer Love Hewitt

The talent on display here is cracking – this is going to be a tough one to call. Both achieve excellence in size, weight and poise, but whereas Koina’s boast juicy pertness, the accompanying fishnet stockings on Jennifer have swayed us.

SCORE: Bollywood 1 – Hollywood 2

7. Tulip Joshi vs Gisele Bundchen

Gisele is clearly outdone in the size stakes, but her wonderfully bronzed globes are firm enough to open a beer on (which is definitely a good thing). Close, but Hollywood collect the points – although the judges have requested a thorough inspection afterward just to be on the safe side.

SCORE: Bollywood 1 – Hollywood 3

6. Rakhi Sawant vs Tyra Banks

Clash of the Titans here – Tyra’s milk factories are conceived on an industrial scale, but are they too large? Don’t be stupid. On the other hand Rakhi is hardly lacking in the size stakes… In the end we’ll have to mark Tyra down for the suspicion of foul play (a boob job). Bollywood wins.

SCORE: Bollywood 2 – Hollywood 3

5. Raima Sen vs Marissa Miller

This is tough. We’ve seen exceptional talent in the size, shape and pertness stakes but both these contestants bring all three together into what must be two pairs of nearly perfect funbags. We’ll declare this one a tie.

SCORE: Bollywood 3 – Hollywood 4

4. Malika Sherawat vs Jessica Simpson

If this were a melon smuggling contest, neither would do very well; as it is this is a boob perfection contest. Top marks to Malika for size and firmness; Jessica, I’m afraid your cleavage gap means we’re going to have to mark you down. Go Bollywood!

SCORE: Bollywood 4 – Hollywood 4

3. Brinda Parekh vs Heidi Klum

A pair of scorchers meet here in this clash of opposing styles: Brinda has gone for the sweetie-pie look, complete with ice-cream cone (which we hope she’ll be spilling all over…), whereas the sophisticated Heidi thinks it’s elegance men really want in her slinky black dress. Decisions, decisions… can’t we put the two together? We’re giving it to Heidi, although we would request that Brinda and her ice cream cone join us at the afterparty.

SCORE: Bollywood 4 – Hollywood 5

2. Celina Jaitley vs Lindsay Lohan

Just look at Celina’s magnificent mammaries! Just look, man! These are surely some of the advice most glorious knockers to come before our filthy mind. Lindsay, we love what you’re doing, but Pinky and Perky just aren’t up to scratch in this case.

SCORE: Bollywood 5 – Hollywood 5

1. Sherlyn Chopra vs Scarlett Johansson

So it comes down to the wire in the battle for which industry has the best boobs. Once again epic performances from both sides – great size, hang and tone. On the grounds of pure sultry, raw sex appeal, we’re going to give it to Scarlett and Hollywood. Well done both contestants.

FINAL SCORE: Bollywood 5 – Hollywood 6

Busted! Who hasn’t been there? Caught mid-stare, barely even aware of what they’re doing. And while it may seem easy for girls to pass judgement, remember it’s them that lay the bait – often putting it on a plate – everyone knows kawangas have a tendency to catch the eye, jahoobies a way of jumping out in your face, and gazongas a habit of beguiling the gaze. That said, being busted in the fleeting flow of real time is one thing; being caught in a photograph, wandering eyes forever frozen in an instant, is quite another. No opportunity to look away or feign ignorance now: the flash bulb has already gone, and so too your cultivated exterior. Just ask these ogling celebs.

1. Bruce Willis ogling Halle Berry

You can almost hear the intake of breath. “Whooo!” exclaims a blown away Bruce Willis, then: “Did I say that or just think it?” You said it Bruce, if not with your mouth then certainly with every other expressive feature of your bald-headed bonce. And who can blame him? He certainly wasn’t the first to be caught admiring the cleavage of Halle Berry, whom he starred with in Perfect Stranger, and neither will he be the last. He might, however, be the first to be so unashamedly caught in the act of so doing. Perfect Stranger may have flopped at the box office, but the Die Hard star shows he’s not going to wilt from the chance to ogle a co-star as spectacularly endowed as Ms Berry. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*****!

2. Puff Daddy ogling Jessica Biel

This one’s from the Golden Globe Awards, but it seems Puff Daddy misunderstood exactly what kind of golden globes he was meant to be bequeathing with the help of co-presenter Jennifer Beil. The 7th Heaven starlet is happy to smile for the cameras but, lost in his own personal nirvana, Puffy’s clearly got something in his eye – and we just hope he didn’t try and hand them over to whoever it was won the award. The bad ass rapper is better known for his infatuation with ample booties than whacking great bazookas like those bestowed upon Ms Biel, but here he highlights he’s not averse to either, and even the sexy star of The Illusionist can do nothing to conceal his appreciative props.

3. Dusting Hoffman ogling Angelina Jolie

The naysayers will claim this shot, from the 2008 premiere of Kung Fu Panda, merely shows a doting Dustin Hoffman gazing at the wonder of Mother Nature that is Angelina Jolie’s child-bearing belly, she at the time having been pregnant with Brad Pitt’s twins. Others may take the more cynical view that the former Graduate star’s eyes were fixed on another inflated double bump on his co-star’s person, proving that while the beholder may get older, the objects of desire stay the same age. Dustin, we acknowledge you’ve been one of finest actors of your generation, but to be caught so flagrantly lost in awe of the fineries of a fellow professional – well, it isn’t befitting a man of your stature.

4. Woody Allen ogling Scarlett Johansson

Now Scarlett Johansson has a pair of yahoos to make any red-blooded male cry yabadabadoo, but Woody Allen is no Fred Flintstone and the award-winning actress whose chest he’s so absorbed in is no Wilma. In point of fact, she’s young enough to be his granddaughter. Allen was panned by The Guardian for the “inadvertent moment” in which he was caught “admiring his latest muse’s principal talents”, arguing that “every time old Woody juxtaposes himself with the young Scarlett he once again triggers that ick factor.” We agree there is something tragic about the declining director being captured so at the premier of his film, Vicky Christina Barcelona – but if it weren’t Woody, well…

5. Justin Timberlake ogling Janet Jackson

If any of the entries on this list are excusable, it’s this one featuring Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson from that Super Bowl halftime show nobody could forget. When Justin sang, “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song” he, so he says, little realised how much he meant it. Out popped one of Janet’s puppies, and the world said “Woof!” If all eyes weren’t on the performing pair by this point, they were now, and as Justin’s peepers were closest to the action, he of course was the one to get busted. After the show, both performers apologised for what Jackson called an “accident” and Timberlake a “wardrobe malfunction”. Even, so a star was born that night, and Justin had it in his eye.

6. Danny Radcliffe ogling Emma Watson

With or without Freud, it’s clear our infatuation with the female breasts begins at a young age, so who can blame the youthful Danny Radcliffe – better known as Harry Potter – for stealing a gleeful glance at co-star Emma Watson’s budding bosom. Still, someone should have reminded the lead of the fantasy-adventure franchise that no amount of Hogwarts trickery would make his misdemeanour invisible to the paparazzi at a promotional photo shoot. Meanwhile, co-star Watson, aka Hermione Granger, looks either blissfully ignorant or as though she’s growling something along the lines of: “Daniel, touch my butt again and no amount of magic will grow back what I break off” (cheezburger.com).

7. John Kerry ogling prospective voters

The wisdom that it’s better to avoid sneaking a peak at women’s breasts when numerous photographers have their lenses trained on you was clearly lost on US Senator John Kerry. If it weren’t for the tender age of the teenaged ladies being gawped at by the former White House wannabe, this picture would be both funny and instructive to those training in the art of the ogle: everyone knows that the key to covert Godzilla-gazing is not only wearing shades, but looking away from the target in question and moving only the eyes. As it is, Kerry gets busted on camera, and his advisers should have told him that’s definitely no way to convince prospective voters you care about them. Gross.

8. George W Bush ogling attendant

Just so you understand we’re politically neutral about our pick of busty busts, we bring you one from the other side of the political fence, proving that Republicans can ogle with the best of them too. This one presents George W Bush, the man who sent Kerry packing, caught being served up some vintage cleavage – and the ex-president is hardly averting his gaze. Dubya had some classic media moments during his time in office, but what tended to make them sparkle was the supreme ineptness of how he used his mouth as opposed to his eyes. Here he demonstrates no one should have “misunderestimated” his capacity for sizing up two sides of a pressing situation.

9. Jake Gyllenhaal ogling Jennifer Anniston

When Jennifer filmed The Good Girl with then newbie celebrity, Jake Gyllenhaal the Donnie Darko actor had the honour of being the first actor to deflower the former Friends star – in a love scene that is. However, clearly cavorting naked in bed with his hot co-star in front of 40 crew members was not enough for the greedy Gyllenhaal. No, he needed to feast his eyes once more on the norks so neatly concealed beneath that skimpy black dress, watched by hundreds of hungry photographers. Both actors have presented the other with awards, but it seems Jake is more taken by some of Jennifer’s attributes than others – and we’re not going to quibble about his anatomical taste.

10. Garry Marshall ogling Anne Hathaway

Rounding off our list of Goodyears-gawkers is another dirty old director, this time Happy Days creator Garry Marshall, seen here ‘directing’ Anne Hathaway, the actress he fell in love with when she auditioned for her role in Disney flick, The Princess Diaries. Since then, Hathaway’s star has risen almost as far as Marshall’s eyes have fallen in this picture, and it would certainly appear to be to his liking – if not to hers – that the two have again been re-united for the 2010 ensemble comedy, Valentine’s Day. Now we know it’s sometimes difficult to avoid being caught staring, but as we’ve learnt, there’s a time, a place, and an age for it – and it’s not when you’re collecting your pension.

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Twitter is great for staying in touch with friends, fans, family and one’s followers. Some people – celebrities especially – seem to forget that when they tweet, they’re reaching out to thousands of people. A little bit of griping can therefore quickly escalate into a full-blown Twitter tantrum. If you don’t believe us, here are some famous examples.

1. Chris Brown

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R’n’B star Chris Brown, better known as Rihanna’s ex-boyfriend, threw a Twitter tantrum back in December that deserves to be in the Twitter tantrum hall of fame for a long time. He got so mad that he deleted his Twitter account altogether. The reason? His latest album not being on the shelves at major stores (he had visited Wal Mart to check and it wasn’t there). Suspecting an evil conspiracy, Brown first vented via expletive-ridden tweets before signing out for good, alienating his loyal Twitter fans in the process who never did anything wrong. Maybe someone should explain social networking to him? Or maybe better not.

2. Kanye West

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Kanye West threw a Twitter tantrum recently about not wanting to be on the popular social networking site in the first place. His response to being the victim of a fake celebrity Twitter account (with more than a million followers!) was an all caps message riddled with expletives. The gist of it? How could Twitter not know that it wasn’t him? Right, he would’ve used all caps and many more four-letter words than the impostor.

3. Lindsay Lohan

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Lindsay Lohan’s and Samantha Ronson’s stormy relationship has been dissected ad nauseum in the press. On top of that, Lohan adds fuel to the fire by twittering often about their strained relationship, putting the blame heavily on Ronson’s family. No reconciliation in sight here.

4. Liam Gallagher

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This Manchester boy, proud of his roots, took offense at being called a “knobhead” by Peter Kay in response to Gallagher swearing it out when accepting a gong award during a recent award ceremony. Instead of retorting right then and there, Gallagher went home, logged into his Twitter account and, completely missing the irony, posted a rant tweet with some expletives calling Kay a sneak and himself someone who gives it people straight to their face. As a northerner.

5. Lily Allen

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The star recently threw a tantrum on and off Twitter, informing her 190,000 followers about her tough life, which included having to go out for a posh birthday dinner at Nobu with her family (that is hard), arguing over sake and being told off for being on her Blackberry. Like my grandmother used to say, “that plus pneumonia could really spoil it for you”. A wonder she never thought about how her mother, brother and his girlfriend must’ve felt the next day when they heard that a dinner with them wasn’t one of Allen’s favorite things in the world.

6. Demi Moore

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Glam actress Demi Moore started a Twitter fight earlier this year with Kim Kardashian over the latter’s use of the word “pimpin”. Pointing to the original meaning of the word (as in slavery), Moore criticized the usage of Kardashian, who was just making a point about her cool girls’ night out. Splitting hairs or does Moore have a point? We’re not sure if Twitter would be the right medium in the first place but the little fight in the social net surely gathered quite some publicity.

7. Jim Carey

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Jim Carey, motor mouth on screen and at live events, doesn’t do too well on Twitter. Seems like the actor’s temperament just doesn’t let itself be restricted to 140 characters. Though not a tantrum, the celebrity recently tried to side with golfer Tiger Woods, then speculated that his wife Erin must’ve known and when that tweet kind of backfired tried to bring Sandra Bullock into the game. A case in point that not everything that’s funny in person works on Twitter as well.

8. Darren Bent

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Footballer Darren Bent used Twitter to put a bit of pressure on the powers to be – those that were going to transfer him that is. Tired of keeping mum, Bent made an unfavorable remark about being transferred to Hull or Stoke instead of Sunderland and it worked. So much for the power of Twitter!

9. Shawne Merriman & Chad Johnson

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Not one but two tantrum lovers got their money’s worth in a Twitter mud sling last December: San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman and Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson had an extensive Twitter fight, making full use of the First Amendment. Why have a one-on-one argument or phone call when you can have thousands of followers witness it?

10. Perez Hilton and Pete Wentz

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A real Twitter brawl broke out when Perez Hilton chastised comedienne Sarah Silverman on Twitter when she cracked a joke about Michael Jackson. What Hilton didn’t say was that earlier he had done the same on his blog. Both Silverman and Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz uncovered his hypocrisy and things got real ugly from then onwards, involving various Twitter followers who also wanted a piece of the mud pie.

We’ve all been there. There’s a big fat booger entrenched inside one of your nostrils, and if you don’t shift it you’re not even sure if you’ll be able to breathe much longer. And let’s be honest, if there isn’t a handkerchief or a tissue to spare, there’s only one option: like a call to action in a strike – pick it. The only thing is, in the glossier-than-glossy world of the celebrity, something at once so commonplace and taboo is funnier and more disgusting than ever. It doesn’t matter that most of the population picks its collective sniffer. For a celebrity to do it, and worse to be caught doing it in public, amounts to a scandal as juicy as – well now let’s see…

Penelope Cruz

It’s always even more embarrassing when the celebrity caught scratching at their snout is a lady – in this case Hispanic cinema diva Penélope Cruz. The multiple award-winning actress was here caught mid-scrape as she cruised for a booger clinging to her right nostril while at a 2004 movie premiere in Cannes.

Jake Gyllenhaal

Star of critically acclaimed gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain and other serious films, Jake Gyllenhaal is used to dealing with difficult issues – and he seems to be taking the one inside his left nostril in his stride here in 2005. We wonder whether he’s giving the person on the other end of the line a running commentary.

Pamela Anderson

Pam Anderson is no stranger to allowing things normally left behind closed doors out into the public arena. But while there’s certainly a massive market for stolen sex tapes, we’re not sure the same can be said for photos of former Baywatch stars cum Playboy models picking their noses. Then again, if they dive in with the gusto of Pammy – snapped here in Malibu in 2006 – we might stand corrected.

Tom Cruise

Looks like everyone’s favourite Hollywood scientologist was trying to charm the lovely Cameron Diaz by giving her the thumbs up… up his snout. Now we know the vertically challenged A-list star has had his moments, but this one from 2009 should count among them. At least Cameron – co-star of Wichita , the movie they’re currently filming – seemed impressed by whatever it was he was digging; shame it doesn’t appear to have been her.

Hillary Clinton

It’s comforting to know that the US Secretary of State has such a firm and penetrating grasp on the state of her nostril, in a television image from 2007. If it’s any reflection on her knowledge of home affairs, the American people are in safe hands.

Ethan Hawke

Hollywood big-hitter and ex-husband of Uma Thurman Ethan Hawke has certainly been round the block in the movie industry. Even so, here in 2005, the star of Gattaca and Alive can look as shifty as he likes beneath his baseball cap – he isn’t going to get away with that surreptitious thumb pick with the prying eyes of the paparazzi taking pictures of him with a mystery blonde.

Katie Price

Ex-glamour model and mainstay of the British gossip magazines Katie Price is usually making the headlines for one reason or another, but with the stories usually focused on the gunk coming out of her mouth, and the cameras trained on other parts of her anatomy, it’s almost a surprise that this covert little thumb pick got picked up.

Kate Hudson

Star of films such as Almost Famous and You, Me and Dupree, Kate Hudson was here spotted picking her way through the aisles of a clothing shop in Santa Monica back in 2006. We sure hope what the daughter of Goldie Hawn dug out was to the consumer’s taste.

Nicky Hilton

Nicky Hilton is more often getting upstaged by older sister Paris when it comes to shaming her family name though outrageous public displays of indecency, but the younger fashion model, socialite and heiress – shown here at a drugstore in Beverley Hills in 2005 – can also prove that money can’t buy class.

Ed Westwick

Best known for his role in the American TV series Gossip Girl, English actor and musician Ed Westwick was here caught in the act doing some heavy duty gold mining. We just hope he managed to excavate a 24-karat clingenberry. He deserves it after the effort he put in. Just look at that concentration!

Michael Keaton

Although his star seems to have long since fallen, Beetlejuice and Batman star Michael Keaton could probably have done without being snapped in Santa Monica plunging his pinkie into his proboscis – and at the table too! Manners, Michael!

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsey Lohan seems to have a habit of battling with her resident boogers, with other shots around of her doing the same. The paparazzi-pursued actress, model and pop singer is no stranger to controversy, but more often makes the headlines for what she puts up her nose than what she pulls out of it (now maybe there’s a connection…). Here she was caught taking a plunge in Malibu sometime in 2006.

Wilmer Valderrama

Wilmer Valderrama once dated Lindsay Lohan, so maybe there was something in their mutual predilection for morsels from the muzzle that brought them together. Here, the star of That ’70s Show and host of MTV series Yo Momma is clearly enjoying himself as he gets stuck in with an index finger while sat an LA cafe back in 2004. Look at those eyes rolling. Sheer bloody ecstasy!

Kelly Brook

English model, ‘actress’, sometime TV presenter and lads mag favourite Kelly Brook is well known for her stunning good looks and killer figure, but her beautiful veneer was besmirched somewhat when she was snapped making a decisive lunge for her nose with a well varnished finger while walking in LA in 2005.

Matthew McConaughey

Hollywood actor Matthew McConaughey scored hits with movies like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and The Wedding Planner, but the only thing the sportily dressed star looks likely to score in this photo – taken in Malibu in 2006 – is first prize in a booger picking contest. We’re routing for you Matthew!

Mischa Barton

A successful actress Mischa Barton may be, but the Anglo-American star of US television series The O.C. is not averse to showing off her skills in mining the dried mucus lining the inside of her nose, once again in public. Barton takes the lady-like approach, plumbing for a pinkie while out in West Hollywood in 2004. Let’s hope she didn’t get any booger in her burger. That’s a relish we wouldn’t relish.

Steve Coogan

The actor and comedian known to American audiences as that English guy from some movie or another is here more reminiscent of the alter ego for whom British audiences know him best – the un-PC and socially inept local media personality Allen Partridge. Here old Steve was caught well and truly green handed while making a point in LA in 2007.

The Queen

This one’s from way back, but it’s clearly a classic: Elizabeth II, the Queen of England, caught white-gloving her nostrils at a ceremony in 1996. Her Royal Highness has understandably kept mum about this public indiscretion, but it just goes to show – it doesn’t matter how much money you’ve got, you’re never too rich to go digging for gold. How about that Queen ladies and gentlemen!

For many of those whose youth coincided with the nineties, the decade is a blur. Not because of a heady mix of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll; not because they spent it fasting in protest; or because they were exhausted from devising a new world order, but because it was, well, a bit boring really. Gone was the hedonism of the eighties, and in its place a couple of blokes in the clothes they woke up in, singing with their hands behind their backs. Yet, it was also the last time you couldn’t guarantee a celebrity had had a nose job, when not all photos were at the mercy of an airbrush, and when preening still amounted to a flannel and some soap. As for the hair, it was a wreck.

Courtney Love

We miss the days when Courtney Love would step out with a farmyard on her head. In an era of tiresome inertia, Ms Love and ill-fated husband, Kurt Cobain, demonstrated a pleasing commitment to vice. Yet, shortly after this photo was taken she cleaned up. Shame.

Gary Barlow

Impeccably behaved, British-born, Take That singer-songwriter, Gary Barlow might not be an obvious bedfellow of Courtney Love, but a bottle of ammonia they seem to have shared.

Geri Halliwell

We thank former Spice Girl and interminable wannabe, Geri Halliwell for her intellectually rigorous philosophical abstraction, Girl Power, but wish she’d used a comb.

Madonna

Here, the hair of mother of invention, Madge, brings to mind not so much a trainwreck as a collision with the Orient Express: for all her finery, not her finest moment.

Michael Bolton

Oh Michael.

Andre Agassi

We do not wish to poke fun at Andre Agassi’s diminishing thatch, for hair loss is not a laughing matter. Instead, we’re going to marvel at his eyebrows. Aren’t we kind?

Hugh Grant

We wish Hugh Grant would lose a strand.

Nicole Kidman

Ah, the days when ceramic irons were but a glint in an updo. We’re not sure what Nicole Kidman is up to in this shot, but those wayward curls suggest it’s no good.

Mariah Carey

Mariah heard a perm got you laid.

Johnny Depp

Who could forget the badger streak? Everyone knew someone who had one – is Johnny Depp, offbeat apparition and one-time bearer of a yellow patch, to blame?

Kid’s TV: it’s not all innocent frolicking and mindless humor. Behind the candy-sweet facade often lurks a rotten, sinister core. We love it. Some never recovered from it. This is our list of the most harrowing kid’s ‘entertainers’ ever to foul our screens. Be afraid, very afraid.

5. Him

Him is the sexually dubious, schizophrenic nemesis of the Powerpuff girls. Looking like a cross between a boiled crab and a camp version of Satan, he is undoubtedly the gayest evil guy we’ve ever had the misfortune to come across. The most important thing to mention is that Him is really just interested in f***ing with your head. Sure, he’d love to do the standard villain thing: take over the world, slaughter the Powerpuff girls etc. But why go to the effort when you could just mince around, wearing woman’s clothing and generally being bizarre?

Him likes dressing up in makeup, a woman’s red jacket and skirt with pink tulle, and black thigh boots – for no reason other than the fact he gets a kick out of being a nutter. Pretty cracked. But it doesn’t stop there… At one point he’s seen engaging in deep conversation with his rubber duck, voice wavering between high-pitched falsetto and deep, throaty boom. What could be more disturbing than a lobster-clawed Satan in thigh-boots and full make up, conducting a schizophrenic conversation with a rubber duck? Read on my friend, read on.

4. The Boobahs

These bouncing scrotums are like a bad trip from which you will never wake up. Yes, they’re round and brightly colored, and yes, they always appear accompanied by brain melting merry-go-round music – but think twice before letting your kids loose on them. As one blogger pointed out, 99% of Boobah’s screenplay appears to have been taken directly from CIA transcripts of people undergoing LSD experimentation.

Whereas most of us decide to ingest psychoactive chemicals and experience hours of traumatic auditory and visual hallucinations when we are teenagers – the producers of Boobah evidently think it is a good idea for your children to undergo this when they are 4. No wonder the kids of today grow up to get their kicks out of mindless violence and chewing on concrete. The show seems to consist of little more than soft, tie-dye style flashing lights, the echoing sound of children laughing in the background and endless low-level squeeking, probably communicating subliminal messages to ‘kill, kill’ in morse code. Sickeningly sinister.

3. Freaky Fred

There’s no two ways about it: Freaky Fred is deranged. Although this villain from the bizarrely named series, Courage the Cowardly Dog, only rarely appears, his mania for cutting hair and disturbed internal monologue rank up there amongst the most insanely sinister of all kid’s TV characters. His obsession with cutting hair has landed him in a psychiatric ward (surprise, surpirse), but it’s his unhinged self-rendered narration that freaks us out – delivered in a sharp British accent and with the word ‘naughty’ inserted at every fourth line.

The overall impression left is of a not-so-distant relative of the Simpson’s, Sideshow Bob. In one harrowing episode Fred visits Courage the dog’s aging Scottish owner, Muriel, and becomes locked in the bathroom with the furry mutt. His natural reaction? Why shave all its hair off, of course – whilst reminiscing about similar incidents involving his pet gerbil, girlfriend and a customer at his barber shop. Wtf?

2. Pugwash

Captain Pugwash was the blustered pirate who bossed around the work-shy crew of his ship the Black Pig as they sailed the Seven Seas. Since the show went off air various accusations of hidden sexual gags have emerged and an elaborate and orchestrated cover-up campaign has played out across the media for several years now, attempting to convince us that Pugwash was not full of sexual double-entendres. Do not believe these lies. A very close friend of the author watched Pugwash as a child and has spent most of his adult life in and out of institutions as a result. Or so he says.

Not a surprise really when you consider the show featured characters called Roger the Cabin Boy (no thanks), Seaman Stains (eewwghh!) and Master Bates. Pugwash is itself slang for something very nasty in Australia. You’d think this kind of imagery would go straight over the heads of young children, so we’re not sure which we find more disturbing: poor little Freddie innocently laughing away at this sordid smut, blissfully unaware – or the thought that some 4 year olds actually ‘got’ the jokes and found them offensive!?

1. Teletubbies

We’ve been wondering exactly what it is that makes these putrid blobs so horrifyingly sinister, and we think we’ve put our finger on it. There’s just so much that is unexplained in the Teletubbies – so many weird, bizarre, essentially inexplicable facets – that as a viewer you are left with no other choice but to suspect that something evil lurks not far below the surface. Take the Teletubbies themselves: four brightly colored blobs with antennae attached to their heads, who cavort in a sickly-sweet barren landscape that closely resembles a miniature golf course, watched by a giant sun with a computer-generated face of a baby at its heart. This must be evil, right?

Screenplay is a baffling series of fragmented interchanges, mechanical repetition and what appears to be drug-induced chanting. It’s hard to decide whether the Teletubbies are undergoing some kind of Brave New World style experiment in which forced happiness is induced by regular injections, leaving them to wander their strange hallucinogenic world in a profound stupour – or whether they are a window into an apocalyptic, nanny-state, proto-Nazi dystopia, in which they replace the Gestapo as agents of the state. As we said, it just has to be evil.

Here at Popcrunch we like animals; better still a pet. Now that colonizing a nation is passé, and slave ownership way off trend, we think the tenure of an obedient, oh-so-cute and speechless beast is the next best thing. Yes, call us petty, but we’re unhappy when pets stop behaving like pets and start acting like brats. Perhaps it’s not surprising that the world’s most precocious pooches and cantankerous cats belong to that most unruly of human specimens – the celebrity – but we think even a celebrity pet should know better. So, to teach the pet peternity how to look, behave and poop, we’d like to send one or two on the next train to Pet Heaven.

5. Bo Obama

We don’t think black-and-white Portuguese water dog, Bo Obama’s time is up just yet, but we do think he should be taken down a peg. We like him for his hair-retaining qualities, said to be less aggravating for allergic Obama offspring, Malia, but we think the goatee is a bit pretentious. Being a gift to the US president from Democrat senator, Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts might make him pet royalty, but America’s a republic.

4. The Osbourne Pets

It’s time dogs Lola, Minnie, Maggie, Baby, Lulu, Martini, Pipi, and cat, Pussy Osbourne learnt a thing or two from their Blue Peter counterparts. The latter are such shining examples of how to conduct one’s pet self beneath the unforgiving glare of the studio light, that they’ve got their own Wikipedia page. Meanwhile, the errant rock dogs poop on the carpet and lie on the bed. Line ’em up.

3. Little Man

When was Cameron Diaz last in a film? News that she has resorted to washing cars for a living has piqued our concern that her demanding little cat, Little Man is making too many demands. ‘Dogs have owners, cats have staff’, goes the axiom. Time to give the Little Man a little shove.

2. Kitty Purry

We like the name, reflective of Katy Perry’s adorable and playful nature, but someone has got to save this cat from the indignity of another haircut. Shoot it.

1. Tinkerbell Hilton

‘Dogs’ lives are too short. Their only fault, really.’ So said erstwhile American writer, Agnes Sligh Turnbull, but when it comes to teacup Chihuahua, Tinkerbell Hilton, she of the diamond collar and designer apparel, we beg to differ.

Much has been written over the past year about how other countries, particularly China, are investing heavily to increase their economic competitiveness by building domestic clean energy industries (see Lindsey Graham: “Every day that we delay trying to find a price for carbon is a day that China uses to dominate the green economy”).

Senior staff from the Center for American Progress will therefore be traveling to China to meet with policymakers and companies that are driving its aggressive pursuit of clean energy technology development.  They’ll share their findings with you on the CAP energy policy page.  Guest Blogger Julian L. Wong has the background on China and the trip.

At least three studies were released this past month alone about China’s clean energy investment. A report from Pew Charitable Trusts, using data from Bloomberg New Energy Finance, declared China the early winner in the clean energy race by outspending the United States $34.6 billion to $18.6 billion in 2009. And while it’s true that decarbonizing our economies requires significant financial investments, it will not happen simply by throwing money to the wind. Deutsche Bank’s global survey of national clean energy policies highlights China, Brazil, and Germany for their exemplary scale and effect. And our own report “Out of the Running?” discusses how Germany, Spain, and China are adopting comprehensive policy approaches to clean energy by developing markets, building infrastructure, and financing research and deployment projects.

China recently identified alternative energy as a “key industry” that it would actively support in its next five-year economic development plan. This move is wholly consistent with China’s push for the new and more sustainable kind of development pathway that they call “scientific development.” As we discussed in “Out of the Running?,” China has created powerful top-down policies such as national clean energy and energy conservation targets, and more recently a goal to limit growth of carbon emissions. These top-down policies are supplemented by local incentives and investments to stimulate the innovation, manufacture, deployment, and export of low-carbon technologies.

These concerted efforts have yielded concrete results in renewable energy deployment, enhanced energy efficiency, and pushed the creation of new rail and grid infrastructure. China already boasts the world’s fastest high-speed train in operation, has developed the world’s leading technology for ultrahigh-voltage grid transmission wires, and is on track to become the largest producer and user of solar panels.

These developments will reduce the Chinese economy’s carbon intensity while significantly boosting job creation. China employed 1.12 million people in clean energy sectors by 2008, according to the Chinese Renewable Energy Industries Association. This number is small compared to a labor pool of 700 to 800 million, but it is forecasted to grow significantly over the next decade. A study by the Global Climate Network in conjunction with the Research Center for Sustainable Development at the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences projects that the combination of policies and investments in clean energy industries can create up to 6.79 million new jobs in the country by 2020.

The speed and extent to which China has raced ahead to invest in green technologies is worthy of envy. Yet the many recent media stories come up short in explaining just how the Chinese government is coordinating this massive push.

The CAP trip, which will include Sarah Wartell, Kate Gordon, Michael Ettlinger, Sarah Miller, and myself, is a fact-finding mission to three northeastern cities in China to see how national policy is intersecting with researchers, businesses, and leaders at the local level. We will start in Beijing, the nation’s capital and the heart of national energy policy decision making, and make day trips to Tianjin, a relatively new and rapidly growing national economic development zone, and Baoding, a city in neighboring Hebei province that has gained attention for its strategic emphasis on clean energy industries.

As we travel, we will hope to address a slew of questions, including:

• What lessons can the United States successfully draw from China—given the very different political-economic architecture—to develop its own domestic strategy for developing a clean energy economy?
• What challenges have the Chinese faced as they seek to expand the share of clean energy in their overall energy mix?
• How well are the central government’s top-down national policies implemented at the provincial, municipal, and local levels? What mechanisms do they use to ensure and enhance implementation?
• How do the public and private sector deal with the sheer capital intensity of clean energy projects? What channels exist to access the significant volumes of financing needed to build new energy infrastructure?
• What specific local incentives does the Chinese government employ in locating manufacturing or research and development centers? Does qualification for these incentives differ between domestic and foreign companies?
• What is the country investing in work force training and education? Is there a government strategy that considers the human capital requirements of a low-carbon transition? What role do different Chinese educational institutions play?
• How does China negotiate the tension of welcoming foreign investment and technologies while maintaining homegrown innovation? How are some Chinese companies partnering with foreign companies to strengthen their competitiveness?

We will log our findings and impressions as we meet with central government and municipal-level government officials, top energy policy and technology researchers, and executives from leading Chinese and foreign energy technology companies. The Google map on this page will be updated regularly and track our progress as we travel through Beijing, Baoding, and Tianjin.

We may not be able to get definitive and comprehensive answers to all our questions, but we are hoping that we will at least start the conversation on these topics—a conversation that is vital if we are serious about America’s own economic competiveness in the clean energy sector.

Join us on our journey and check back to this page for daily updates, or follow us on twitter live from China by subscribing to the hash tag #cappek

– Wong also blogs on Chinese energy and environmental issues at Green Leap Forward.

Related Post:

• China begins transition to a clean-energy economy

When it comes to smuggling melons, we like them big, firm and natural. We believe that breasts are truly a gift – not only are they fun to look at/play with/suckle on, but they can propel their bearer chest-first, into a heady world of top-heavy stardom. And rightly so. But in our book, whilst it may be true that whacking great bazongas can get you far, especially in Hollywood, if they ain’t real, pass on that feel… or something like that. Anyway, we’ve decided to honor those glorious specimens who have resisted the knife to rock a fresh, firm natural look. We salute you!

10. Kim Kardashian

Cup: 32-DD

These stonking bazookas belong to model and actress, Kim Kardashian, and you can easily see why she has quickly gained acceptance as a premier socialite on the scene. If you’d like to see these badboys in action you’re in luck – you can check them out in the leaked celebrity sex tape she made with boyfriend, Ray J. Quickly… to Google!

9. Salma Hayek

Cup: 36-C

As one blogger pointed out, Salma Hayek’s new baby is very lucky indeed. Why? Because she just bought it the latest pathetic fad toy? No, Captain Moron, because it gets to suck on her massive jugs. Hottie Megan Fox recently declared she wanted Hayek’s boobs: ‘I really want her boobs. I really, really do.’ By all means, crack on Megan. If it means that much to you, we’ll even watch.

8. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Cup: 36-C

Jenniffer Love Hewitt has said she is happy for men to stare at her funbags as it distracts them from body parts she is less proud of: ‘It makes me laugh – there’s a hundred other body parts that I feel completely insecure about and would rather no one ever talked about. So if they focus on breasts, it’s fine with me! My breasts have a career of their own.’ Yes… I think that’s what they call in the military, a pre-emptive strike.

7. Gisele Bundchen

Cup: 36-C

If you like bouncy supermodel milk factories, you have come to the right place my friend. Check out these glorious examples on Gisele Bundchen. Dubbed the ‘Boobs from brazil’ in 2000, newspapers ‘blamed’ her for 36,000 breast augmentations performed in Brazil that year. Not much of a crime, really. Sadly Gisele has since had them ‘done’, but we thought her simply too good to leave off the list.

6. Halle Berry

Cup: 36-C

There’s no denying these are pretty monster, although admittedly these are pregnancy boobs. They rather suit her, we think (but we would, wouldn’t we?). British TV presenter, Jonathan Ross, admitted mid-conversation whilst interviewing Halle that he was unable to concentrate due to the killer cleavage that was on display. He then busted out that immortal get-out clause, that every man should memorize and use as a get out of jail free card: ‘If you have them out on the shelf, we’re going to have a look…’. Genius.

5. Jessica Simpson

Cup: 34-D

There seems to be a lot of debate on the net about exactly what size Jessica Simpson’s knockers really are – although it must be said, mostly amongst people who have more Facebook friends than real friends. We have come up with a quick, easy and immensely pleasurable way to answer this profoundly significant question. Yes maybe we’re mad, but we have volunteered ourselves as testers to determine the size of Jess’s hooters once and for all, on behalf of all you sad little pervs out there. Strangely, none of her people have called yet… wtf!?

4. Tyra Banks

Cup: 34-C

Fake or real? Ummm… fake or real… fake or real… we’ll have to take a good, hard look in the flesh to answer that one. As far as we are aware they are real and Tyra herself has denied any surgery, although we admit they are a little suspect. Anyway, these are super smooth, pert, very round, and with the perfect cleavage gap. They’re also on our Christmas list.

3. Marisa Miller

Cup: 34-D

Marisa recently became a Victoria’s Secret Angel, to her great surprise: ‘I remember seeing on casting sheets, ‘No girls over a B-cup’. I was like, well, that’s not me!’ No you blonde-big-boobed airhead, that certainly is not you. She went on: ‘I have to find my own niche. I am who I am, and I found people who love that.’ Yes, think you found your ‘niche’ Marisa. Boobs. We only wonder if she counts owning over 7,000 photos of her as ‘love’.

2. Heidi Klum

Cup: 36-C

Are Heidi Klum’s boobs real. Yes they are. Are they available by mail order over the internet for a small fee? Sadly not. Possessing nearly the perfect set of natural globes, Heidi Klum is the epitome of the blonde German babe with massive hooters. One tip though Heidi: stop putting those damn arms in the way, you tease – it’s not sporting. And that goes for the rest of you too.

1. Scarlett Johansson

Cup: 34-DD

The good news: blonde bombshell, Scarlett, officially has the best boobs in Hollywood. The even better news: these killer lady humps are totally, 100% natural. The super exciting, wet yourself news: they are so large she treats them as separate entities from herself and refers to them as ‘her girls’! The bad news: you will never touch them.

We’ve all thought about it – which female cartoon characters we’d secretly most like to get animated with in animal fashion. In all honesty, many of them are hotter than the real thing, and odds on they’d be up for it. Did Scooby ever give Daphne a bone? Did Fred ever satisfy Wilma with his club work? And what about all those Smurfs grouped round that cute little Smurfette? We’d be naive if we didn’t suspect some sordid stuff was going on behind the scenes. So which cartoon babes had the sex appeal to better the rest? Here’s our top ten.

10. Wilma Flintstone

Flame-haired Wilma Flintstone may have been a bit of a hen-pecker – hell, she was even prone to a bit of husband bashing – but all the more reason to show Bedrock’s finest who’s boss if you ever got her in the sack. There’s something about the way that white ragged dress rests on her pert little frame that brings out your inner Neanderthal, making you just want to hoist your club, sling her over your shoulder, and carry her off to your cave – and never mind what Fred has to say about it. Any cavewoman this feisty is bound to be a sexual tyrannosaurus. Yabadabadoo!

9. April O’Neil

What is it about passionate cartoon red-heads that makes them even hotter than their real life counterparts? Take April O’Neil. The TV reporter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was clearly dying for some inter-species action, and who wouldn’t want to see the big-boobed beauty bursting out of that yellow jumpsuit (keeping the white boots on of course)? Yes, she plays the big sister figure when she’s not in need of a good rescuing, but you know she’d take it all ways from Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and quasi-love interest Donatello if only they were on post-watershed.

8. The Little Mermaid

Yes, we know she’s half fish, but the other half of this slender submarine sex pot is all woman, as her oyster shell bra barely conceals. Naughtily rebellious, The Little Mermaid shows signs of sexual frustration from the get-go when, dissatisfied with life under the sea, she finds herself making a play for big Prince Eric and yearning after his kiss of love. But it’s other aspects of the 1989 Disney movie that reveal the sordid undercurrents stirred up by its lead: the tower on the original cover art looks like a penis (really), while during the marriage scene the priest appears to get a boner beneath his cassock. Fishy fantasy at its finest.

7. Penelope Pitstop

Star of The Wacky Races plus own her own spin-off show, Penelope Pitstop is where it’s at when it comes to hotness on wheels. This well-bred southern belle drives the Compact Pussycat (and wouldn’t we like to drive hers?), a mobile pink beauty parlour that matches her kinky get-up: white gloves and go-go boots, maroon tights, and a bright pink leather racing uniform. Oh and pink lipstick. That pink enough for you? Never. Known as ‘the Glamour Gal of the Gas Pedal’ by the race announcer, you can see why this athletic blonde bombshell has a pack of male cartoon co-stars chasing after her like rabid dogs. We would.

6. Cheetara

A feline hottie if ever there was one, Cheetara from Thundercats “featured prominently”, as Cracked has wisely observed, “in the pre-adolescent masturbation fantasies of millions of young boys,” all of them hooked slavishly on network television – and blazing hot female cartoon characters. That skin-tight golden one-piece suit definitely wasn’t to the detriment of this cougar-in-waiting’s slim-line figure. Again from Cracked: “Cheetara’s weapon was a bow staff she could make elongate by rubbing its shaft. So yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing.” Just ask Lion-o and the other cats.

5. Daphne Blake

Auburn-haired, doe eyed Daphne Blake was always one of the cartoon characters most likely to give you an embarrassing settee trouser tent, though let’s face it she didn’t have much competition from four-eyed Scooby-Doo co-star Velma. Daphne’s purple dress and pink pantyhose were enough to make viewers drool like Great Danes just to see the budding woman underneath. Yes, this damsel in distress was worth serious rescuing, and if that blond-headed prep Fred wasn’t up to the task, well leave it to real men – even if it meant being taken to the floor by one the flirtatious fashionista’s martial arts moves. Woof!

4. Smurfette

For years the only female character in The Smurfs, if Smurfette wasn’t getting gang-bang action every night, then suspicions were true and the rest of her all-male community were gay. Even (especially?) as a kid, that long flowing blonde and those long eyelashes were seriously sexy, and the white high heel pumps and frilly white dress Smurfette wore said ‘slut’ in the bright blue letters. This coquettish Gallic creation was the inciter of much jealousy, male competition and in-fighting among the other Smurfs, who loved her with a passion only the French could muster. Ooh la la!

3. Lara Croft

The busty star of video games and feature films has also appeared in some animated shorts, where she’s as hot as ever in her skin-tight bodysuit, ass-hugging shorts and leave-them-on! calf-high boots. Beautiful, intelligent, athletic, this modern woman archaeologist has got it all, and you know that prim and proper English accent disguises some seriously filthy urges. She’s used to being on top in encounters with men, no doubt about it, but we’re sure there’s room for a bit of role-reversal with this brown-eyed sex symbol – why else does she wear that long plait or ponytail but as grip? Classy ride.

2. Betty Boop

Innocently yet brazenly sexual way before her time, Betty Boop was the original sex symbol of the animated screen, a product of the dirty 30s, universally lusted after by everyone from Minnie the Moocher to male audiences everywhere. Short dresses, high heels, a garter belt, and a low contoured bodice that revealed cleavage she wasn’t averse to showing off – well who wouldn’t? Yet despite several attempts to take her ‘boop-oop-a-doop away’, Betty stayed chaste – at least on screen – though there were rumours of a single frame showing the starlet naked in her original theatrical release. Saucy 16-year old stuff.

1. Jessica Rabbit

If there was ever a cartoon character whose image belongs in the spank bank, it’s Jessica Rabbit. Husky voice, bouncing curves no non-toon woman could ever hope to be blessed with, pouting lips smouldering with unfulfilled lust, and morals crying out to be as loose-fitting as those red dresses she wears – this most sultry of animated sex symbols definitely does it for us. Oh yeah, and then there are the two frames in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where you can see her hot fuzz as she is bounced out of the taxicab. That’ll have you testing your timing with the pause button if nothing else will. Smoking hot.

10. Ada Wong

There’s nothing ‘wong’ about this generously endowed babe from the Resident Evil series – rocking the classic femme fatale stockings and a Tommy gun look, what’s not to like?

9. Ivy Valentine

Ivy is an oversexed dominatrix described by a video game magazine as possessing a ‘punishing set of moves’ – I think I just wet myself.

8. Zelda

Zelda was hot, even in 8-bit – end of. We’d definitely smack that with our Ocarina of Time.

7. Christie Monteiro

Tekken’s hottest babe by far was played in real life by a Maxim model – she’s also a master of Capoeira, so she’s blatantly a demon in the sack!

6. Sonya Blade

Just. Check. Out. Those. HOOTERS! This bombshell pulls off that tricky combo of being hot AND butch at the same time.

5. Princess Peach

Staple of our video game porn addiction since we were 12. Peachy!

4. Mai Shiranui

The producers must have had fun creating this Fatal Fury babe: most fight scenes involving Mai include several shots focusing on her breasts and buttocks. Wearing dresses like that, who can blame them?

3. Joanna Dark

Joanna Dark, from the Perfect Dark series, definitely has the cutest accent in video games, and its matched by one of the cutest bodies. There’s something about that jump suit we just can’t resist.

2. Lara Croft

Almost the perfect package – our suspicion that busty brunette Lara was in to girl-girl action was confirmed by the choice of Angela Jolie to play her in the film adaption. Mmmmm, womb raider!

1. Samus Aran

Samus Aran does not rely on massive bazookas or a pert behind to be hot – although she’s most definitely got them. Not only is she THE most badass fighting chick ever created, but she brings a touch of class to the video-game sex world.

Japanese TV: think people hurting themselves in weird and unusual ways, games in which the only prizes are naked chicks, and panties. Lots of them. Absurdly obsessive amounts of them. We’ve compiled a list of some of the weirdest moments from Japanese TV – although to be honest, there’s plenty that was too fruity for us to show. Says it all about what they like to watch, really. Anyway, check it out…

10. Pantyhose Tug of War

We all know the Japanese are utterly enthralled by anything and everything to do with girls’ underwear. They also love taking simple, innocent enough games and whacking in a pair of panties or a nipple just to spice things up. Unfortunately, the rest of the world just thinks they’re a bit weird. Check out these two meatheads, whose idea of fun is placing pantyhose over their heads and competing in a tug of war. We struggle to understand exactly what the winner hopes to gain. Check out the face of the guy in white at 20 secs – you wouldn’t want him going through your mum’s underwear draw (you probably wouldn’t want anyone doing that, to be honest).

9. Insect Freak Show

Possibly one of the weirdest things we’ve seen all year. Apparently this guy has the ability to make insects perform circus tricks, using… his finger. We’re not sure whether to be amazed or repulsed, or whether we simply don’t care. Knowing the Japanese, what is amazing is that he doesn’t use his powers to magic a pair of panties onto those flies.

8. Dizzy Bowling

A Japanese girl, dressed in maid’s costume, dizzies herself by spinning around on a baseball bat – giving the obligatory glimpse of panties, naturally – before making a pathetic attempt to send a bowling ball down the lane and collapsing to the floor. And it gets weirder: from nowhere an utterly random and insane bunny girl fantasy suddenly appears. Are these people on crack or something?

7. Transsexual MRI Scan

This seems to have absolutely no point whatsoever. A bunch of men, dressed as nurses (why we ask?), undergo MRI scans. But there’s an oh-so-hilarious catch – as they slide into the chamber they are met, face-to-face by… another face. The result? After this side-splittingly unfunny experience, many of these dudes seem genuinely psychologically traumatized.

6. Naked Body Surfing

“Wait. We’ve just had a killer idea. Take one aging, slightly balding, bespectacled Japanese man. Grease him up and get him to run full pelt (which is pathetically slow in his case) towards a line of horizontal bikini-clad babes, before diving on them and seeing how far he can slide across their firm, naked flesh.” Who the hell went through that thought process and came to the conclusion it was a great idea for TV – more importantly, how didn’t the guy in the video get wood?

5. Bikini Balance Beam

We’re willing to bet the guys that dreamed up this one had consumed a fair bit of sake. It’s so cliched it’s actually brilliant. Get loads of hot chicks, whack them in bikinis, and make them fight (or in their case, feebly grapple) to stay on a beam. Simple but effective, this is classic lad’s entertainment at its most meaningless. The winner even gets to pull the string on a confetti loaded exploding ball. Genius.

4. Boob Ringing

You might want to make sure nobody is looking over your shoulder when you watch this one – it basically boils down to a few hyper Japanese guys running around fondling the boobs of mannequins placed in a variety of suggestive poses. Totally inexplicable, but somehow endlessly fascinating.

3. Unraveling Dress

This is definitely an idea we should think about exporting from Japan. A load of men wearing nappies (ok, we don’t need that part) bust their guts turning a giant wheel that gradually, tantalizingly unravels the threads of girls’ clothes, leaving them standing in – you guessed it – their underwear! Just check out the anguished looks of genuine concern from the dudes watching when they fear the guys on the wheel will run out of steam before they get to see the final girl’s hooters. As her naked nipples are slowly uncovered men collapse and are thrown off the wheel in agony, but they gallantly keep going (as any true gentleman would in the situation), using the famous industrious Japanese work-ethic to repeatedly jump back on for one final, kamikaze push. And boy, are they rewarded.

2. Peepshow

This basically just leaves us speechless. The mysterious thought that lies behind putting a man on a giant bungee and getting him to run towards a woman behind a screen and throw balls to knock it down… well, it’s just bizarre. And yes, that’s right, she is in only her underwear. Predictably.

1. Sniper Prank

They say Japanese prank shows are the best in the world. Well, yes. If your idea of ‘best’ means the pranks they play are so disturbingly realistic, their victims have to spend several years in institutions recovering. The look of sheer horror on this guy’s face as his buddies are brutally gunned down is not a pleasant sight – and what’s worse is watching his reaction. Like most of us, he doesn’t try to play the hero, or even tend to his wounded pals, but drags himself into the corner of the room, wetting himself, and thinking only of saving his own skin. This truly is closer to cruelty than entertainment.

Maybe they really were high at the time, or maybe they simply held too high an opinion of themselves: the sort of arrogance that leads people to believe they’re above messing up the lives of their children – that the little celebrity mini-me’s couldn’t possibly have their school years ruined by an unrelenting barrage of insults and bullying. And all because of a name. A stupid, goddamn name. Mom? Dad? I don’t care how many lousy films you made or embarrassing albums you recorded. How could you have done this to me?

10. Apple born of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

No, this name didn’t come to fruition due to a love affair – or marketing deal – with iphones or Macs. Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow and shoe gazing lead singer of Coldplay, Chris Martin named their daughter Apple purely by chance or because apples are whole, sweet and crisp. Yeah, when they’re not bad, rotten to the core, basically well past their sell-by-date. A bit like daddy’s albums.

Fifi Trixibelle born of Bob Geldof and Paula Yates

Any couple that names their other kids Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie are unlikely to have blessed their firstborn with a less freakish moniker. Fifi Trixibelle is said to have been named after celebrity activist onetime pop star dad Bob Geldof’s beloved aunt Fifi, with the Trixibelle bit coming about due to mom Paula Yates’ fascination with southern belles. That’s no excuse though. It still comes out sounding like the podium call at a dog show. They should have tried Fido Snoopy Lassie. Pedigree naming.

Moon Unit born of Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa was a legend, no doubt about it, but those same liberally consumed substances that oiled the wheels of his experimental musical output also helped him dream up some damn strange names for his kids. The father of Dweezil and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen first procreated a girl he named Moon Unit. Yep, barely visible through the herbal haze of the 70s, Zappa was the daddy of the crazy celebrity naming brigade, and Moon Unit set the tone for doped out generations to come.

Jermajesty born of Jermaine Jackson

This is our personal favorite. Whatever white powder it is that feeds the ego and takes it to new and unheard of levels of self-glorifying idiocy, Jermaine Jackson and partner Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza (previously married to Jermaine’s brother Randy) must’ve been on it in copious quantities. Seriously, though, the ex-Jackson Five star is a guy who has said he ’sees people’ from the 1800s if he sleeps with the lights off, so he’s obviously one sandwich short of a picnic. Yes Jermajesty. Hilarious.

Memphis Eve born of Bono

Perhaps it’s small wonder that a self-absorbed rock star who named himself after a hearing aid retailer, Bono Vox, should give his daughter a similarly stupid name like Memphis Eve. As if in competition with his band mate The Edge – who named his own progeny Blue Angel – Bono went all weird with the naming of his own child. Was the baby conceived of an evening in Memphis? We hope so, otherwise someone should tell the U2 front man there’s no such thing as Memphis Day.

Prince Michael II born of Michael Jackson

We know it’s not really the done thing to speak ill of the dead, but someone – even a dead someone – who names their miraculously conceived offspring after themselves while adding the cheesiest of royal titles must have been a bit nuts in the head. Oh wait, that’s exactly what the King of Pop was. Freaking nuts. Prince Michael II was also given the nickname Blanket, a word that in this context somehow seems a little too cuddly.

Rocket born of Robert Rodriguez

Father to children who go by the names of Racer, Rebel, Rogue and, best of all, Rocket, Robert Rodriguez is evidently a film maker keen to preserve the really quite relentlessly repetitious alliterative qualities of his own name in his bloodline. And to do so while conjuring a host of boyishly action-packed images – much like the Sin City director’s films.

Sage Moonblood born of Sylvester Stallone

This here’s a classic from Sylvester ‘don’t push me’ Stallone and his first wife Sasha Czack from the Rambo star’s pre-puffed up plastic surgery face days in the 80s. Also parent to one Seargeoh, Sly, who went on to write the script for Rocky, appears to have named his second son (an actor who appeared with his father in Rocky V and Daylight) after one of his early pen names, Q. Moonblood. Who knows where the Sage part came from? More herbal influence of a kind though.

Kal-El Coppola born of Nicholas Cage

Receding Hollywood actor Nicholas Cage showed himself to be the ultimate comic book geek when he named his son Kal-El, which is Superman’s original birth name. We’re not sure whether the other kids in kindergarten would see the cool side of this before giving young Kal-El a few punches in the stomach, just to see if he could retaliate with his legendary superpowers. ‘He’ll be OK as long as they don’t break out the kryptonite,’ Cage is reported to have said. Yeah thanks dad.

Bluebell Madonna born of Geri Halliwell

Last but by no means least (certainly in voluptuousness stakes), Geri Halliwell, formerly known as Ginger Spice, who decided to name her own bouncing baby Bluebell Madonna. We’re presuming the second part of the name is an ode to our Madge, a real Queen of Pop. Who knows where Bluebell blossomed from? Frankly, who cares? It’s a dumb name. That’s all you need to know.

2010 may be the Chinese year of the tiger, but as far as Hollywood is concerned it was most definitely the year of the cougar. To some, they epitomize modern feminism. To others, their existence is merely a misogynistic male fantasy. One thing, however, is certain: cougars are prowling all over the global cultural landscape, led by a host of mature Hollywood babes who know what they want and aren’t afraid to take it. Check out our list of the movers and shakers in the cougar world.

10. Madonna

When it comes to predatory older women, Madonna is a living legend, and although she’s a little washed up these days, you can’t deny she still oozes sex appeal. Over the years many a finely-chiselled young man has fallen prey to her seductive powers and found himself dragged back to this cougar’s den. And bearing in mind Madge was recently snapped gleefully leaving a London hotel with a bag containing a ‘Purple Penetrator’ strap-on sex toy, we’re not sure we really want to know what goes on in that den…  Her endless string of toy-boys has a whiff of desperation about it – she recently split from model Jesus Luz claiming that she had ‘nothing in common’ with the Brazilian, who was 28 years her junior. No s*** Madge.

9. Kim Cattrall

Kim Cattrall may have played a vivacious cougar and self-proclaimed ‘try-sexual’ (yes, she’ll try anything once) in Sex and the City – but for Kim, Samantha Jones was no act. After penning The Art of the Female Orgasm with hubby, Mark Levinson, she promptly went off in search of younger pickings (perhaps it was a case of ‘better on paper’ for Mark…). Frequently linked with a string of younger studs, including basketball players Steve Francis and Cuttino Mobley, Kim sealed her cougar credentials by shacking up with chef beau, Alan Wyse, an impressive 22 years younger. As one keen blogger pointed out, ‘for Kim Catrall, life imitates art very well.’

8. Sandra Bullock

Not only is Sandra Bullock a stalwart of the cougar scene in Hollywood (and pretty hot to boot), but she’s living proof that the cougar lifestyle isn’t always simply a desperate attempt to turn back the years. Previously linked with Ryan Gosling, 16 years her junior, Sandra married younger motorcycle maniac and former host of Monster Garage, Jesse James, in 2005. It doesn’t get much more macho than that, and what’s more the couple are still going strong, proving that, for Sandra at least, being a cougar is more the product of happy circumstance than the result of a mid-life freak-out over wrinkles. You go girl!

7. Raquel Welch

Raquel Welch may have been the ‘Most Desired Woman’ of the 1970’s, but for a 67 year she most definitely has still got it. We’re talking glamorous, sophisticated, the type of woman who could teach you a thing or five in the bedroom (and have enormous fun into the bargain). Her cougar career stretches back decades and makes even seasoned predators like Madonna look tame by comparison. Sadly though, in a disappointing interview for all you budding toy-boys out there, Raquel claims she’s sworn off younger men: “I feel a terrible failure. I don’t go for much younger men anymore. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me.” Before you reach for your revolver however, get this: following her recent separation from her fourth husband – 15 years younger – Raquel is back on the prowl, and as we all know, old habits die hard.

6. Shania Twain

Despite being the wrong side of 40, Shania Twain is most definitely one hot property – just check out the legions of devoted Facebook fans who joined the not-so-subtly named group ‘Shania Twain is Hot as F***’. Says it all really. When she busts out that immortal line, ‘man, I feel like a woman’, you know you’d chew off your own fingers just to spend the night with her. No discernible history of cougar behavior as of yet, but rumor has it that following her split from her husband in 2008, Shania is back in the game and has told friends she ‘wouldn’t mind’ a younger man. I think I just wet myself.

5. Courtney Cox

Cougars are the type of woman who know exactly what they want and how to get it. In Courtney Cox’s case, she wants to bed younger men and make tons of money out of it. And that’s exactly what this feisty minx did when she decided to enlighten the masses and turn her off-screen cougar shenanigans into one of 2010’s most hyped new series, Cougar Town. As with all the best cougars, Courtney has managed to blur the boundaries between being a predatory MILF on-screen and actually bedding loads of hot younger men, becoming in effect, a professional cougar.

4. Demi Moore

If Bruce Willis thought she was hot enough to bed, who are we to argue (you’d not only be stupid to argue with Bruce Willis, but probably very quickly dead too). Demi has gone from one extreme to the other, first snagging older men and then homing in on younger stars, before finally settling on baby-faced stud, Ashton Kutcher – 15 years her junior. The sexy star, who has a massive following on Twitter, has been credited with sparking a boom in the number of women seeking toyboys, but still claims she doesn’t understand how she’s become a poster girl for cross-generational relationships. Yeah, weird that, isn’t it Demi? Kutcher himself says she’d rather be known as a ‘puma’, but quite frankly as long as she continues with the naked photo shoots – like the one she gave herself as a 41st birthday ‘present’ – we’d call her whatever she liked

3. Sheryl Crow

This blonde bombshell has never been married, and despite being 48 had the stamina to run cycling hero, Lance Armstrong, completely ragged. Most of her recent relationships have been with younger men, including ex-fiance Armstrong (nine years younger), Kid Rock (also nine years younger) and Owen Wilson (six years younger). That’s quite some list, but Sheryl refuses to give up there, as plans were recently announced to join the set of Courtney Cox’s Cougar Town playing, you guessed it, a predatory mature beauty. Seeing as that basically involves playing herself, we think she’ll do rather well.

2. Michelle Pfeiffer

What’s that we hear trundling in the background? A bandwagon? Yes Michelle it is, and you better jump on quickly. And she did. Michelle Pfeiffer became the latest celeb to turn cougar when she starred as drop-dead gorgeous Léa de Lonval in the hit movie, Chéri. Having said that, calling her a cougar to her face would definitely ruin your already slim chances with this mature stunner, considering she recently declared she hated the word: “I so hate that term! Colette wrote these novels [about older women with younger men] so long ago, but even today they’re ahead of their time in the way we perceive women’s power and sexuality.” Not just a pair of legs then.

1. Helen Mirren

The undisputed Queen of cougars, Helen Mirren is bona-fide Cougar Royalty. Just check out the shots of the stunning 64 year old beautifully filling her red bikini that circulated all over the internet like wildfire last year. Carrying herself with elegance and grace, but with a history of sexual experimentation that stretches back into time immemorial, Dame Helen is the star men want to bed, and women want to be when they grow up. And who can blame them. At the 2007 Academy Awards, Jack Black and Will Ferrell declared her to be ‘hot’, all but begging to get into her pants. And on the red carpet, her Queen co-star Michael Sheen confessed, “She attracts a lot of men, she certainly attracted me.” And long may she reign.