Author: Kelli DesRochers

The past can make a strong and ugly appearance in the present…if you let it.  His past experiences related to sex, love, drugs, or bad decisions could get into your head and haunt you forever.  Why did he do those things?  What does it say about who he is?  What does it say about you?  The questions could keep coming and you can be certain that you will never get any answers that help you to get over it.

I’ve experienced and witnessed many many relationships where one becomes absolutely obsessed with the past of the other.  These usually occur when one person is more “experienced” in certain areas or when situations in your past make you put these situations on your significant other.  It happens to both boyfriends and girlfriends and can be a painful fight that comes up again and again.

Getting over someone’s past can be one of the most difficult experiences that you encounter in your relationship, but I guarantee that when you finally let it go you will feel free and open to deciding what the future may hold for you and your loved one.  The longer you obsess over the past, the longer you are giving power to situations that you can not control.  Strength in any relationship comes from realizing that you can find happiness in what you have the ability to control.  The past is the past…it is there and it will not go away.  It will not change, and there is nothing you can do to erase it.

It’s okay to have feelings about someone’s past, but you need to stop yourself from obsessing over it.  Obviously obsessions of any type are unhealthy, but behaviors like Facebook stalking, Googling obsessively, eavesdropping on private conversations, snooping through his things, and reading his emails signal dangerous behavior that will only result in hurting yourself.  There is no need to find details about the past…it will only feed your obsession and cause you to ask more accusatory questions.

If you are obsessed with your partner’s past you need to analyze it closely to figure out what to do.

• How do his decisions in the past affect who he is today? Truly and honestly think about this.  If bad decisions like lying and cheating occurred in his past, it is up to you to decide if you want to start from a clean slate or hold onto those indicators.  If you decide that those problems still exist, then you need to consider ending the relationship.  If you decide that he has learned from his past and moved forward, then let him move forward.

• Does your obsession relate to something in your own past? Sometimes obsessions with the past can be projections that indicate insecurities about your own past.  Have you cheated, lied, or engaged in bad relationship behaviors that you are putting on your significant other?

• Is he not letting go of the past? If he is the one who is holding onto the past through behaviors like flirting with ex-girlfriends and talking about past experiences constantly, then it is not you who is obsessed…it is him!  You need to have an open and honest discussion about this issue and decide if there is a reason why he is holding onto his past…unfortunately it could mean that he is not ready to move forward.

Don’t beat yourself up for obsessing over the past…just realize that it can be immature and hurtful to yourself if it is not based on any logical reasons.  You could possibly be in an amazing relationship that does not need to involve the past at all.  Don’t allow situations that you have no control over to determine the happiness in your relationship.

Post from: Blisstree

Help! I’m Obsessed With His Past

If you haven’t been watching Jersey Shore, MTV’s newest reality TV series, then you are missing out on an addictive cultural obsession.  These eight strangers, who shared a summer in a house in Seaside Heights, NJ, are now being featured in every gossip column and C-list red carpet event.

Image: Zuma Press

Pauly D and Mike “The Situation” from Jersey Shore

If you watch the show you will know that the main focus is the three single guys who hit the Jersey Shore clubs every night trying to find a girl to bring home.  While I could find it completely offensive that these men just hop around from club to club preying on drunk girls with impaired reasoning abilities who they can lure back to their fabulous MTV house, I think it’s pretty amazing that Pauly D and Mike “The Situation” are completely honest to the camera about their intentions with the ladies.  While the girls at the clubs may feel special, the viewers are told through confessionals exactly the ONE THING that these fake ‘n bake fist pumpers are looking for: sex.

While I could hate these guys for being so shallow and single-minded, I actually completely appreciate that they fully expose their plans.  Any girl who remains naive about guys’ intentions at clubs needs to just watch one episode of Jersey Shore to understand what is really going on in the head of those guys who bump and grind up behind you:  They only want to sleep with you, and if it’s not going to happen then they will instantly move on to the next.

I know not every club-hopping guy is like this (there are probably a few unfortunate nice guys left) but in general it is a good thing for our suspicions to be completely validated.  Any girl who thinks a guy just wants to hangout, just wants to dance, is out just to have fun for the night, wants to get to know her better, or any other line should now be a little more aware.  There is no more pretending or naivete when it comes to the club scene…if you are there then you should be fully aware of the environment that you have placed yourself into.  It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself and have fun dancing, but to avoid getting yourself into a sticky situation it’s good to remember what Pauly D and Mike “The Situation” have taught us about sex and clubbing.  Ladies, be careful and please know what you are getting yourself into.  Stick with your friends and stand up for each other if you think someone is making a bad decision!

If you happen to have missed Jersey Shore, there are a lot of episodes available online at MTV.com.  I guarantee you will be hooked.

Post from: Blisstree

What Do We Learn From Jersey Shore Guys?

Do you remember when you used to have to talk to someone face-to-face or actually reach them on the other end of the phone in order to ask them or out?  Emailing and instant messaging have made it easier to get to know someone or start up an exchange with someone you just met, but texting has completely transformed the dating game.

With T9 and QWERTY keyboard phones, texting is extremely quick, easy to access, and always available.  You can be in the middle of work, school, or out partying and be able to quickly shoot out or respond to a text.  When you trade phone numbers with someone you are interested in dating, it will be easy to start a relaxed texting correspondence without having to schedule awkward dates right away.  Texting can actually be so easy that it can cause problems early in the first stages of dating…here are some texting traps to be aware of:

• Don’t ever text while inebriated. The “drunk text” can put you in an embarrassing situation with someone you barely even know.  It’s a lot easier to text someone you just met than to call them, so don’t let yourself send something out that you will regret.

• Text in the way that you would speak. If you want to be polite, sophisticated, and mature on a first date, then you should act the same way in your texts.  There is no need for adults to use shortened text lingo (b4, cu l8r, to be honest I don’t know anymore..) unless it suits your personality.  Receiving a text in teenager speak sends a message that will be judged quickly.

• Don’t rely solely on texting for communication. Don’t let yourself develop a dating relationship with someone where you only communicate by text and never by speaking on the phone.  It’s a lot more personal to speak to someone in person and will go a long way towards figuring out where you want the relationship to go.  For all you know this guy could be texting tons of girls at the same time all night long!

• Don’t over text. While it’s easy to see that it’s inappropriate to call or drop by all the time, it’s not as easy to stop yourself from constantly texting.  It can seem like you are moving too fast if you suddenly want to be in contact by texting all the time.

The biggest point is that while texting is an easy way to relay information, it is not the best way to represent yourself or get to know someone.  You might think that you are getting closer to someone because you flirtatiously exchange texts constantly, but real face-to-face time is going to determine if the relationship is worth pursuing.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

How Texting Can Ruin a New Relationship

Couples, couples, everywhere!  Fiances, domestic partners, husbands and wives, internet dating couples, newly dating couples…sometimes it just seems like everyone is coupled up and there are no more single people left!  If you find yourself in a group of friends where you seem to be the only one without an “other half” there are a lot of important ideas to remember so that you don’t let the situation affect you more than it should.

I’ve been on both the inside and the outside of this situation and I know that you can feel depressed, alienated, uncomfortable, and whiny (your coupled-up friends hate it when you use it for an excuse for not hanging out!) if it goes on for awhile.  Here are some tips for handling the situation in a healthy manner:

• Don’t feel pressured. Just because everyone has a pair doesn’t mean that you have to in order to be “normal.”  Significant others come and go and they’ve all been single and they all might be single again someday…you never know!  Remember that it’s really all about timing, so just stay in tune with yourself and you will be happy.

• It can be fun to be the third wheel. Some couples are better than others at hanging out with singles.  Don’t write off all of your coupley friends as pairs that you can’t hangout with when they are together.  Some couples will definitely make you feel like the third wheel, but others can be really fun to hangout with!  I have lots of couples that I will hangout with even if it’s just the three of us because I know the relationship situation doesn’t really matter.  Give the third wheel a chance!

• Plan a night for friends to hangout without their partners. It’s fun to have a girl’s night or a special brunch or shopping trip or a million other things that would just be more fun without boys anyways (think Sex & the City!).  Many couples seem super duper attached and possibly reluctant to part for even an evening, but I promise that once they are out they will enjoy their independence.  Don’t feel uncomfortable about asking them not to bring their husbands/boyfriends this time!  Everyone loves a girls’ night!

• Invite your best friend as your date. If you are attending an event that really does work better if everyone has a pair, invite your best girl friend as your date.  I suggest inviting a good friend before someone you are newly dating because being surrounded by superserious couples could be slightly awkward.  It’s always fun to get special one-on-one time with your best friend!

Stay confident and comfortable with yourself even if you seem to be the only single person left amongst your friends.  Don’t resent boyfriends and husbands for stealing your friends away.  It can be fun for your friend circle to expand as you become close friends with your best friend’s new husband!

There are lots of wonderful aspects of being single that you should take advantage of before you find yourself one of those who are paired up….enjoy your independent life!

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

I’m The Only Single Person In My Group

I just read Cherie’s article about not celebrating Valentine’s Day and I wanted to share the alternative way that my family celebrates the infamous February 14.   I completely agree that a boyfriend who feels obligated to buy you a cheesy teddy bear attached to flowers and chocolates just doesn’t really feel that great.  Some girls probably love it, but I’ve just never been that into it.  We all know that no guy (no matter how loving) really wants to go shopping for a plush teddy bear holding a plush heart…and it will probably just turn into a dog toy anyways.

While Valentine’s Day is not a romantic day for me, it is a day to remember the people in my life who I love!  A special day that can only be celebrated by people in romantic relationships doesn’t really make sense, but everyone in the world has family and friends who they really love and care about.

This year if you want an alternative to the romantic idea of Valentine’s Day, instead focus on the “love” aspect and how it relates to special people in your life.  Make phone calls or send emails (or even those old-fashioned handmade paper Valentines!) to the people in your life who are special to you.  Make a special effort to put your feelings into words and remind them that you hold them close to your heart.  It might sound cheesy, but you always get more sentimental than you think you will when you are expressing your feelings towards your closest family members and friends.

But most importantly, if you don’t feel it, don’t force it!  Just like the heart-wielding teddy gift, don’t feel obligated to send something that has no meaning.  Any day can be your special day to express your feelings to the people in your life who you care most about, and February 14 just might not be the right day for you.

Post from: Blisstree

Another Way to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

I’ve had a book on my shelf for a little while now that I really need to read.  It is called “The Law of Forgiveness” and it is written by Connie Domino, who teaches public health nursing at University of North Carolina and spreads her wisdom about human relationships through educational lectures, life coaching, and educational counseling.  As I start 2010 with a positive outlook and a set of personal goals that will help me to be the best person I can be, I realize that forgiveness is an important element that could play a strong role in reaching my goals.

Forgiveness is a heavy and difficult subject that should be incorporated into your life in a positive way.  As emotional and stubborn people, we hold onto anger and resentment for years.  We allow old pain to have a large and negative role in our lives as long as we keep ourselves from truly forgiving and moving on.  Forgiving can free us from the past and contribute to the possibility of happiness in the future!

Connie suggests a list of ten people who you need to forgive now:

• parents
• spouses/significant others
• siblings and other relatives
• friends
• supervisor/boss
• coworkers
• government/public agencies/organizations
• god/higher power/religion
• yourself

When workshop participants asked Connie who, how, and when to forgive, she replied with this useful piece of advice:

You should forgive anyone you feel or anger or resentment for from the sandbox up until today.  You do not need to contact anyone.  You can forgive right in the privacy of your own home.

I like this statement from Connie because it reminds us that forgiveness is about you and not someone else.  Forgiveness is not something that you cast out to another person and allow them to decide whether or not they would like to accept it.  Forgiveness involves something personal within you that represents moving away from bad feelings in order to welcome good feelings.

Forgiveness is important because you have the ability to control it.  You don’t need to rely on anyone else’s opinion, behavior, personality, or emotional availability in order to forgive.  You can find out more about the positive role that forgiveness can play in your life in Connie’s book “The Law of Forgiveness“.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

A List of People Who You Need to Forgive

Every year as New Years Eve approaches it seems that friends of all ages search for the biggest and most social party to attend.  Suggestions of $100 tickets to ballrooms at hotels and open bar parties at fancy apartments just don’t sound that fun to me anymore.  Somehow doesn’t it seem like the build-up for a fantastic New Years Eve party always leaves you a little bit letdown?  Why is there a need to go to a big party to celebrate the start of the New Year?

This year I suggest the wonderful intimate one-on-one New Years Eve at home.  Budgets are tights and big parties require fancy outfits and drink money, so I suggest truly enjoying yourself at home.  Just relax this year and plan a romantic evening with your significant other away from all of the fireworks and countdowns.  Doesn’t that sound kind of amazing?

My suggestion is to do the opposite of what everyone thinks of as the perfect New Years Eve.  Plan an evening that is as relaxing and personalized as possible doing whatever you and your significant other want to do without worrying about pressure to attend big events.  While the rest of the world gets all dolled up in their finest, you should be putting on your most comfortable sweat pants and slippers and cuddling up under a blanket with a big mug of hot chocolate.  You don’t even have to watch the countdown or stay up ’til midnight!

Listen to your favorite music, rent a movie, go for a walk, bake cookies, play with your dog, do yoga, watch reruns, play cards, do whatever you like to do you in your leisure time!  If you don’t have a loved one, it’s also just as wonderful to enjoy yourself at home.

My point is that you don’t need to feel the pressure of looming New Years Eve this year.  Opt out of the cultural idea that this is a big night that represents the start of a New Year and it must be spent in a certain way.  This night does not represent the start of anything new and you don’t need to be in a certain place with certain accomplishments in order to feel that you are ready to start the year.

This year enjoy a quiet Dec 31 at home doing whatever you would like to do with whomever you would like to be with.  It’s just a night where you probably don’t have to work the next day, so focus on relaxation and making a special night for yourself.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

An Idea for an Intimate New Years This Year

Unless you are one of those rare families who just never has disagreements or drama, you probably expect a certain level of stress surrounding family get-togethers for the holidays.  Families are so complicated!  Every member is so different, yet also so extremely similar from the next in a way that always sparks conflict.  Add significant others, spouses, babies, pets, and a huge meal into the mix and there is a chance that some sort of new or old conflict will arise.

Image: Karmalize on Flickr

The holiday season is officially here.  If you feel stressed about the upcoming festivities, here are some tips to remember when spending large amounts of time with your entire family:

• Huge family get-togethers only occur once or twice a year.  Try to focus on the positive for just a few days.

• Go in with a positive attitude, but without high expectations.  Don’t expect that everything will perfect, but do expect that you will be able to calmly handle whatever comes your way.

• Focus on doing the best you can to help.  A lot of times family members disagree because they don’t feel that everyone is pulling their weight equally.  Focus on doing what you can to help (make plans, cook, decorate, chauffeur, etc.) without worrying about what other people aren’t doing.

• Don’t sweat the small things.  You have a lifetime of history with your family, which could cause you to get upset over small things.  Try to focus on the big picture and let small battles slide.

• Give yourself a break.  If you find that a situation is getting overwhelming, take yourself out of it.  Family get-togethers can be overwhelming with tons of people around all the time, so take some time to go for a walk or go workout by yourself to clear your head.

• This is not the best time for confrontations and interventions.  Again, focus on maintaining a positive attitude and enjoying that you all get to spend time together.  If you have issues with someone, discuss them in private at a separate time.  Don’t form alliances or gang up on anyone…it will cause more hurt than help.  Don’t start arguments.

Enjoy being around your loved ones and appreciate that you have the opportunity to spend the holidays together.

Post from: Blisstree

Tips For Dealing With Holiday Family Stress

Sometimes women know when they have a boyfriend or husband who is extremely protective, and sometimes they don’t recognize the signs.  It’s easy to mistake relationship habits like constant phonecalls, gifts, and effusive language as “love” instead of attempts to be controlling.

The best relationships have a balance of independent decisions and listening to input from your partner.  You shouldn’t always do exactly what your boyfriend wants you to do.  He should trust you to make decisions that are best for you and the relationship without putting pressure on you to do what he wants.

Image: sxc.hu

Controlling boyfriends usually have deep underlying insecurities, which they subconsciously solve by pairing with a partner who they can control.  They feel powerful and falsely confident when they know that their girlfriend is doing exactly what they want them to do.  They feel good knowing that they “own” someone and the relationship can quickly sour if the girlfriend attempts to express any independence.

It’s important to be aware of the signs that you are in a controlling relationship because it is a serious relationship that can quickly get out of hand.  Here are important boyfriend behaviors to look for:

• Constant phonecalls and text messages
• Unnecessary and expensive gifts
• Checks your phone and reads your email
• Questioning you about your whereabouts
• Not allowing you to see certain people or go certain places
• Not trusting your decision-making abilities
• Encouraging activities that involve just the two of you
• Encouraging you to cut off relationships with other people
• Not allowing you to express your opinions/emotions
• Anger when questioned about his motives

If you notice that your boyfriend is engaging in these behaviors and you feel uncomfortable with the situation, then it is extremely important that you address it as soon as possible.  If he gets into a habit of thinking that he can control your life and tell you how to act, then it will be extremely difficult for him to change and for the relationship to transform into a healthy one.

It’s extremely important to remember that you are a person outside of your relationship.  You have needs and wants, and you also make mistakes sometimes. You don’t need your boyfriend to make decisions for you or decide who you are.  You need to decide for yourself.  Regardless of how much he loves, he is not there to control your life.  He is there to be a healthy and supportive part of your life while you move forward with independent goals and values.

Post from: Blisstree

My Boyfriend is Protective & Controlling