Author: Liz Stark

@intcopy:<*d(1,3)><z11><zgt;I feel so violated right now. I just finished watching a leaked version of the pilot “Spartacus: Blood and Sand,” and I’ll never look at blood or my female anatomy in the same way.

I feel so violated right now. I just finished watching a leaked version of the pilot “Spartacus: Blood and Sand,” and I’ll never look at blood or my female anatomy in the same way.

When I walked out of the theater after seeing “Avatar” in Imax 3-D, I took a few minutes to realize that the people around me were not speaking Nav’I, before peeling the contacts that had congealed to my wide-open eyeballs due to the James Cameron visual explosion. I then remembered the one preview the theater had shown: a preview for Starz’s newest TV show, “Spartacus: Blood and Sand.”

Upon seeing the trailer, I rolled my eyeballs, which were still functioning at that point, because I hate gladiators. Yes, I’m a Latin minor, but last year in my Ancient Empires IHUM, every third person was writing his research paper on them and my classmates waged recall wars for secondary sources in my inbox. I’ve never been particularly interested in who these gladiators were, why they were forced to fight and whether they won or not. I chalk it all up to slavery and imperialism in ancient Rome. If you argue that gladiators are the ancient predecessors of boxing and wrestling as professional sports, then you can definitely understand why I’m not a fan.

The “Avatar” connection is not entirely irrelevant. “Spartacus” presents the story of the second Spartacus (they call him Spartacus because they don’t know his name; it’s kind of like the second coming and the guy could also play Jesus if Starz ever decides to violate that popular historical figure). Spartacus’ life begins as a leader of the Thracians, a group of Greek men who agree to help the Romans fight the barbarians to the North and as a husband in a simultaneously and almost contradictorily sexual and loving marriage. The series can best be summarized as sex spattered in CGI blood with a side of anachronistic swearing (way less effective than “Deadwood” because you never know when to expect it on “Spartacus.” Every few minutes, a Thracian will break into a Turrets soliloquy of f-bombs and see you next Tuesdays). And, when I say sex, I mean montages of different positions.

You could call it a fusion of “300″ and “The Tudors.” While the former is its most obvious influence, “The Tudors” model of a contrived thematic connection between politics and gratuitous sex is replicated here. Although I shouldn’t have high historical expectations for “Spartacus,” and the show itself doesn’t purport to be accurate because it establishes itself as a sequel to the original Spartacus story, the cliches of gladiators as lovers who fight to ease the pain and avaricious politicians and their manipulative wives have been the status quo for depictions of ancient Rome since Graves published “I, Claudius” in 1934.

Starz’s ambition to maximize its use of its unedited content has resulted in an hour of TV that seeks to titillate and distract, not immerse you in a place or story. I could barely follow the plot of the pilot, which is supposed to establish how Spartacus comes to be a gladiator and what each of the Roman politicians is after. If you don’t want to commit to all of “300,” or if you want to see some naked girl on girl, watch tonight’s premiere. But after that, I beg you, never look back.

I had such high hopes for “Spartacus” after I watched the first season of “Party Down” over break. “Party Down,” the brainchild of “Veronica Mars” creator Rob Thomas (no, not that one), follows a team of out-of-work actors working as caterers. In that venue, the swearing is appropriate, the characters well drawn and the humor always changing. Jane Lynch was a cast member for the first half of the season and will be replaced by Megan Mullally in the second season. As we saw in the Zoot Suit episode of “Glee,” Megan will have big shoes to fill.

I appreciate that Starz is an insignificant enough movie channel that they show old movies like ’90s Woody Allen and that they gave the world “Party Down,” but I will spend the rest of my life questioning why I study Classics because of projects like “Spartacus.”

@intcopy:<*d(1,3)><z11><zgt;2010 is in its infancy, so I’m still trying to get my bearings on the New Year in television. Leno is out, “Lost” is ending and God must hate me because “Glee” is gone. When in creative doubt, I turn to lists. Ergo, I present to you the resolutions that will guide my TV consumption in the New Year and accompany my more traditional goals to shower more often, use that Moleskine I bought to get my parking validated and read<\p>.<\p>.<\p>.<\p>for fun. I have lots of catching up to do to prepare for the new premieres and even more waiting for highly anticipated returns.

2010 is in its infancy, so I’m still trying to get my bearings on the New Year in television. Leno is out, “Lost” is ending and God must hate me because “Glee” is gone. When in creative doubt, I turn to lists. Ergo, I present to you the resolutions that will guide my TV consumption in the New Year and accompany my more traditional goals to shower more often, use that Moleskine I bought to get my parking validated and read…for fun. I have lots of catching up to do to prepare for the new premieres and even more waiting for highly anticipated returns.

1. Figure out how I feel about “Chuck,” independent of the barrage of advertising.

While NBC has taken to every form of modern media to convince us to like Josh Schwartz’s middle child, “Chuck,” I’m still on the fence. I’ve watched the first four episodes from Season 1, which aired 13 episodes from 2007 to 2008. Although I loved the pilot, subsequent schemes have failed to hold my attention. References to Stanford are rampant, however, because Chuck was an “engineering” major (no specialty provided) and was expelled from Stanford when accused of plagiarism. The Stanford connection and attractive actors intrigue me, so I’ll stick it out for the first season. All of my favorite TV critics prostrate their columns before the Chuck altar, so I hope to mature enough in the New Year to appreciate it.

2. Catch up on the expanded cable shows I haven’t shamelessly watched illegally, such as “United States of Tara” and “In Treatment.”

I overlooked “United States of Tara,” the Diablo Cody show about a housewife with multiple personalities, when it premiered on Showtime last year because I was so over the Juno-isms. Having watched the first few episodes, I’m blown away by Toni Collette’s performance. I have yet to see how you make a coherent season out of her three alter-egos (the horny teen, the ’50s Christian housewife and the motorcycling, motorboating man), but I want to be prepared for the second season when it begins in March of this year.

I also just finished Season 1 of “In Treatment,” which featured Mia Wasikowska, who will play Alice in Tim Burton’s film adaptation this year. She was phenomenal in this HBO serial (i.e. five nights a week) drama about a therapist and I hear the second season is even better. My Netflix queue is already full with the nine discs of that one…

3. Come to decision about “Lost.”

Confessional: I’ve never watched “Lost.” JJ Abrams is certainly a visionary for television in the 21st century and I’m an incomplete TV critic without having joined the cult…I’m so uninformed I can’t even make a good pun about it. My question is: Do I watch all five seasons before the Feb. 2 premiere of the final season?

4. Assess the new pilots.

The Internet is abuzz that NBC ordered up 18 new pilots for the New Year and has recently announced that Leno will no longer air during prime time, but we’ll have to wait for that thing in Vancouver with Bob Costas to blow over to find out just what those are. In the meantime, here are two shows I’ve read about that I’m excited for: “The Deep End” on ABC and “Human Target” on Fox.

“The Deep End” is about a group of law associates in L.A., so I’m hoping it will sate my curiosity about the law students who live locked away in their Munger palaces. It also features the mousey girl I love from “Veronica Mars” and “Big Love,” actress Tina Majorino. “Human Target” purports to be based on a DC comic I’ve never heard of. The premise sounds interesting enough: a bodyguard who strategically places himself in his clients’ lives to draw out threats. Alternatively, “Parenthood,” a new NBC show about families, sounds like a dramatic rip off of “Modern Family.”

5. Wait patiently for “True Blood” and “Glee.”

As the Counting Crows crooned, with help from Vanessa Carlton, “don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.” I realized over break how much I miss “Glee,” for as critical as I was of them when pouring over them on Wednesday nights. For example, I even had a craving for some “Acafellas…” it’s that bad. Also, all the casting news about Season 3 of “True Blood” makes another internship-less summer look just dandy…I mean, Lafayette is taking a lover!

These are my ruminations upon that thing that was once called the boob tube. If you ever want to talk shop, I’ll be the girl in Green Library swearing when Megavideo lies to me about how much TV I’ve watched that day.

In less than a month, we will have entered the decade Y2K +10. While many respectable TV journalists are writing lists of the best shows of the decade, I’d like to give a shout out to the then-shows that influenced my sufficiently emotional and TV-centered youth from ages 10 to 19. Time Magazine may tell you that this decade was “The Decade From Hell” in a most histrionic of fashions, but at least there was some equally histrionic TV to distract us.

10. Lizzie McGuire, Disney Channel 2001-2004

You could say that Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda were the triumvirate for the new ages, fulfilling the void left by the dissolution of Augustus, Marc Antony and that rando Lepidus. The McGuire family dynamic resonated with me in the tumult of middle school, so much so that my screenname was for a time LizzieMcStark. My seventh-grade English teacher also signed my middle school yearbook with a quotation from the ever articulate Ethan, “You rock. Don’t ever change.” A fitting anthem for the standout in a field of excellent Disney Channel programming (”Proud Family,” “Even Stevens”).

9. As Told By Ginger, Nickelodeon 2000-2004

Another great show about middle school angst and residual class conflict in the 21st century. Ginger was the Daria of middle school (another great show that began in 1997 and ended in 2002), and what show is more 2000s than a Macy Gray theme song?

8. Arrested Development, Fox 2003-2006

Technically, I didn’t watch this show when it aired on Fox, so I fueled its untimely demise while alternating between channels 24 (Disney) and 25 (Nickelodeon). Its legacy, which has lived on so generously through Hulu longer than any other show, ushered in a defining characteristic of the second half of the decade: awkward humor. “The Office,” which began in 2005 as a humble adaptation of a British TV show, certainly helped, but you can’t top the audacity of “Arrested Development” and Tobias Funke.

7. American Dreams, NBC 2002-2005

This show began my addiction to TV, so, mom, if you have to blame someone, blame Brittany Snow and this “soap opera” about the ’60s. If you’re not smart enough for “Mad Men,” as I wasn’t in middle school and arguably still am not, “American Dreams” is like “1960s: 101, ” with all those civil rights, Beatles and short skirts. “American Dreams” was a great family tale of beautiful children and troubled parents. Plus, the show’s format around “American Bandstand” could be described as a precursor to “Glee.” Meg, Brittany Snow’s high school character, was the big sister I never got to have and the blonde dancer I never turned into.

6. Joe Millionaire, Fox 2003

Before those readers with standards start to groan, know that I chose this show because it was the first time I experienced a full-on obsession with a reality TV show. The format of “The Bachelor” never appealed to me, but the deceit, sex and tall women of “Joe Millionaire” distill the essence of Fox reality programming perfectly. I’m shocked that, according to Wikipedia, the first season lasted only six episodes because I was riveted. The failure of the second season also epitomizes the TV industry–mercurial and heartless.

5. Sex and The City, HBO 1998-2004

I think this one is fair game because, even though it started in the ’90s, it became an obsession of my generation in the early ’00s. My best friend and I rented the DVDs from the video store against her mom’s wishes (we WALKED to the video store to get it, we were so curious) and forgot to return them. When the video store called to ask her where they had gone, she berated them for suggesting that she would rent something that promoted promiscuity and moral depravity. And yet, that was always the appeal. My insatiable curiosity about “Sex and The City” also introduced me to the world of illegal video streaming on the Internet.

4. Gilmore Girls, WB 2000-2007

A more age-appropriate version of “Sex and the City,” with the maternal and filial duty angle to suppress any need for onscreen sex. The consummate MILF, Lorelai, and her doe-eyed daughter, also Lorelai, never made teenage pregnancy look so appealing. The show is critiqued for the distorted reality of its light-speed dialogue, but that is another trait of TV humor for the decade. As a private school girl my whole life, the world of Chilton, Paris Geller and Harvard/Yale admissions convinced me that I would become a prep school student and love it. Although California ultimately seduced me from the Rory path…think of how Yale’s admissions numbers must have gone up when she chose the school. Yes, the show started to flail when Rory cut her hair and went to college; however, I think this show defines my generation of women more effectively than any other.

3. American Idol, Fox 2002-now

I REALLY didn’t want to put this here for a myriad of reasons, but how could I not? Nothing embodies and influenced reality TV more than “American Idol,” from Simon Cowell to three nights of programming to the William Hung. So when I say “American Idol,” I will qualify it to the first two seasons through William’s audition at the beginning of Season Three. Before Team Jacob and Team Edward, there was the epic battle of Ruben and Clay in Season Two; before that, there was the brilliance of Kelly Clarkson. American Idol was the great unifier.

2. The West Wing, NBC 1999-2006

Again, I wasn’t nearly mature enough to jump on this bandwagon until last year, but I’m so glad that I did. One of the best-written and most compelling TV shows of the decade, for sure, and it managed to be on network TV! Every episode is nuanced–up until Aaron Sorkin’s departure at the end of Season Four, at least–and it simultaneously appeals to our morbid curiosity about the biggest celebrity in the country and to our condition as citizens of that country. Be patriotic and watch this show!

1. The O.C., Fox 2003-2007

No one defined fashion and vernacular and modes of kissing for my generation more than Josh Schwartz’s core four of Ryan, Seth, Summer and Marissa. I’m disappointed that not all of California is like “The O.C.” I used to watch this show secretly (i.e. change the channel whenever my mom left the room) and hid the Season One DVDs under my bed until I turned 18…because it’s almost like porn right? I went to such lengths to get my fix of soap opera because it was all everyone talked about for that first season. Its meteoric rise and fall encapsulates everything I love about popular culture and the decade we all just survived! Congrats everybody, and see you in 2010!