Author: Mark Goulston

Disclaimer: It’s probably not a good idea to read this before you eat.

I still remember how it felt when, as a medical student, I drained my first abscess in a patient. We called the procedure “I & D” which stands for “Incision and Drainage” (I told you not to read this just before you eat).

When you do an I & D, you locate what is the most protruding and bulging part of the abscess, wipe it off with alcohol, than pierce it with a scalpel. At that point the pus comes out first, followed by any blood. After this procedure, you may put the person on an antibiotic. Over time, the wound heals from the inside out. If you don’t drain the abscess first, and just start with the antibiotics, the undrained pus may prevent the wound from healing.

Today as a practicing business psychiatrist and CEO advisor, I’ve noticed that when you’re faced with an upset customer, client, employee, shareholder, child, parent, spouse, friend, it can actually feel like they’re bulging with emotion and about to explode. Your instinctual and intuitive reaction may be to try to calm them down, urge them to cool off, suggest it’s not worth getting so upset about. And sometimes that may work. But in cases where they’re really upset, you may need to drain their emotional abscess just as you would have to do with a physical abscess. In those situations, asking them to calm down before they’ve vented will be about as useful as skipping straight to antibiotics before cleaning their wound.

And yet a lot of people don’t know how to listen to someone venting. Usually, people take one of two attitudes. Option 1 is to jump in and give advice — but this is not the same as listening, and the person doing the venting may respond with “Just listen to me! Don’t tell me what to do.” Option 2 (usually attempted after Option 1) is to swing to the other extreme, and sit there silently. But this doesn’t actively help the person doing the venting to drain their negative emotions. Consequently, it is about as rewarding as venting to your dog.

The way to listen when someone is venting is to ask them the following three questions:

1. What are you most frustrated about? This is a good question because when you ask them about their feelings, it often sounds condescending. And if you start out focusing on their anger, it sounds as if you are coldly telling them to get a hold on themselves, which may work, but more often will just cause the pressure inside them to build up even more. However, asking them about their frustration is less judgmental and can have the same effect as sticking a scalpel into their abcess. Let them vent their feelings and when they finish, pick any of their words that had a lot of emotion attached. These can be words such as “Never,” “Screwed up,” or any other words spoken with high inflection. Then reply with, “Say more about “never” (or “screwed up,” etc.) That will help them drain even more.

2. What are you most angry about? This is where their emotional pus drains. Again let them finish and have them go deeper by asking them, “Say more about _________ .” Don’t take issue with them or get into a debate, just know that they really need to get this off their chest — and if you listen without interrupting them, while also inviting them to say even more, they will. If you struggle to listen when someone is venting because intense negative feelings make you feel upset yourself, try this: Look them straight in the left eye (which is connected to their right emotional brain) and imagine you are looking into the eye of a hurricane, allowing whatever they’re yelling to go over your shoulders instead of hitting you straight in your eyes.

3. What are you really worried about? This is like the blood that comes out of wound following the pus. It is as the core of their emotional wound. If you have listened and not taken issue with their frustration and anger, they will speak to you about what they’re really worried about. Again push them to go deeper by asking them: “Say more about ___________.” After they finish getting to the bottom of it, respond with, “Now I understand why you are so frustrated, angry and worried. Since we can’t turn back time, let’s put our heads together to check out your options from here. Okay?”

As I have written before, when people are upset, it matters less what you tell them than what you enable them to tell you. After they get their feelings off their chest, that’s when they can then have a constructive conversation with you. And not before.

Law firms have a hard-earned reputation for being really tough places to work. Today I see an increasing amount of toxicity in those firms. Over the past couple of decades, I’ve met with partners and managing partners at regional and national law firms, who have not infrequently found themselves bullied by greedy, selfish, entitled, angry clients or even other partners.

Why are law firms such toxic places to work? While there is no shortage of obnoxious lawyers in firms (and sadly too often these “shrieking wheels” get the grease and a promotion), in many cases the clients set the tone. When they are not able to push back on or fire these clients, partners will often take it out by “kicking the dog” in the form of yelling at their associates or staff. I’ve even seen some turn to drugs, alcohol and a variety of unhealthy habits to redirect their frustration. The fact is that as much as there are some clients that law firms would do well to turn away or fire, they won’t. They’re just too profitable.

Whether you’re dealing with law firm clients, or any difficult client in any industry, what is the best way to deal with such clients to prevent them from abusing you — and to prevent you from taking that frustration out on someone else?

Start by planning for the worst. Expect such people to act awful, especially when they’re not getting their way.

Go into the conversation holding a little of yourself back; when they reach that “tipping point” into toxicity, you won’t be blindsided. Prepare for that knock-out punch insult by saying to yourself, “Here it comes.” Then take a deep breath, look them straight in their left eye (which is attached to their right emotional brain), pause until they realize they haven’t provoked you into losing your cool (even if they say something else to insult you) and then select one of the following replies:

• “Say that again?”
• “Do you really believe what you just said?”
• “Huh?” (as in, “Excuse me”)
• “What was that all about?” (said the way a big brother or big sister might say with an almost affectionate, playful tone of incredulity)
• Or one of my favorites: “Excuse me, I apologize, but my mind wandered over the past few minutes, can you please repeat what you just said?”

If they see that you didn’t flinch from something that was supposed to knock you out, you may notice their not quite knowing what to do. (A lot of what I learned about dealing with difficult people I learned from dealing with F. Lee Bailey during the O.J. Simpson trial.)

However, an ounce of preparation is worth a pound of abuse. Even if you keep your cool in the situation above, you’ll still find it very stressful. An even better approach is to prepare with difficult clients for the inevitable time you’ll have bad news to deliver. If you wait until crap happens (and it will), the likelihood of your conversation turning into a combative conversation is high and the ability for people to listen to each other when both are reacting is very small.

Take a preemptive approach by saying to your client, “Going forward, in the event I have to tell you about a bump and obstacle or setback, what is the best way to tell you?” They probably haven’t been asked before, and may have never given it any thought. If they’re not sure what to say, you can continue with something like: “My other clients have told me such things as, don’t do it by email; don’t tell me on a Friday; when you tell me, tell me what happened, your understanding of it, the implications of it, what options we have and why those, what solutions you’d suggest and why those, and what you need from me to make the best of it and get it back on the rails. What works for you?”

After they reply, say, “This is much too important for me to not get exactly right, because in the event we need to have such a conversation, I want to do it exactly as you have suggested.” At that point repeat back exactly what they told you and ask them if you got it right and wait for them to respond with, “Yes.” If they change what you have said, repeat those changes back to them.

Then when you hit that bump, remind them of this conversation by saying, “I’m not sure if you remember a conversation we had about how to best communicate with you about bumps in the road and if memory serves, you gave me these guidelines (then repeat what they told you above) and we’ve hit one of those bumps (and then follow exactly what they explained as the best way to communicate with them in such a situation).

It amazing how having had a preemptive conversation can make it easier to approach — instead of avoid — the conflict you feel about delivering upsetting news.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t stop crying,” Rick*, a manager in sales at a Fortune 100 company said to me — and then to Jim, a Senior VP at that company and also Rick’s boss.

Jim looked at me, not knowing what to do next.

I had been called in to see about mending a rift between the two. While it had been building for some time, it had reached a climax when Jim had yelled at Rick in a team meeting, “I don’t even know why I bother with you! You are an utterly useless human being!”

Rick was shaken and abruptly got up to leave the room — whereupon Jim yelled out to him, “Useless and a coward to boot!”

The rest of the team was speechless. Many of them looked down or away, while others stared like deer in the headlights.

I first sat down with each of them separately to hear their side of the story. Jim revealed that he was being pressured by his boss to substantially increase his numbers and that he felt he needed to wake up his team. His stress levels already high, Rick had unwittingly triggered him in that meeting by not responding and appearing confused at a question Jim had asked him.

Rick told me that Jim was a bully who seemed to have it in for him, and that whenever Jim spoke to him with an abusive tone, it triggered such stress that his mind would go blank.

After meeting with each of them alone, I met with both of them and applied a strategy I had developed decades ago to help divorced couples. The crux is this: you can’t be sincerely empathic towards and angry at someone at the same moment. In other words, you can’t walk in someone else’s shoes and step on their toes at the same time.

I asked Jim, “If I were to ask Rick, what caused him to get up and leave the room when you berated him in front of your team, what would he say?”

Jim was a little confused about the question. I tried again. “Put yourself in Rick’s shoes at the moment he left that meeting — tell me what you think he was feeling.”

With some contrition and embarrassment, he replied, “I think he felt beaten up by the schoolyard bully” — he gulped — “And that bully was me.” Rick was obviously moved and even became a little emotional at Jim’s admission.

I then asked Rick, “If I were to ask Jim what was going on with him at the moment he yelled at you, what would he say?”

Rick replied, “I think he would say he’s under huge pressure to get our numbers up and it’s stressing him out.” Jim actually became calmer and more conciliatory in his posture towards Rick. We continued like this for some minutes until the two actually seemed to be syncing up with each other.

I finally applied something I call the Fishbowl Technique, where I had Rick and Jim look into each other’s eyes and focus only on each other’s eyes. I asked Jim to say to Rick, “I’m sorry about bullying and humiliating you in that meeting, and all the other times I have done it to you. I was wrong.”

It was at that point that Rick became overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry and couldn’t regain his composure. This time it was Jim who was like a deer in the headlights and finally had to look away.

When the raw emotion had run its course, I asked Rick, “What was that all about?”

He looked at me with bloodshot eyes, but appearing ten pounds emotionally lighter. “I have never been apologized to in my entire life, much less had someone tell me that they were wrong for doing something hurtful to me.”

That knocked both Jim and me over.

Is there someone you need to apologize to? If there is, don’t just say you’re sorry; give them a Power Apology (which I explain in detail in my book, Just Listen). It has three parts:

1. Admit that you were wrong and that you’re sorry. Really own up to what you did — or failed to do. For example, “I jumped down your throat and berated you mercilessly when you didn’t get that report done on time. I was wrong to treat you that way and I am sorry.” Sadly, most labor attorneys will advise you not to say you’re wrong to anyone, because that might lead them to have something they can use to sue you. If that is the case, you may just need to stop at saying you’re sorry. (And while in matters of the business and legal world, perhaps you shouldn’t admit you were wrong, in matters of the heart with the people you love, always say it. It’s that one thing they need to begin to forgive you.)

2. Show them you understand the effect it had on them. For instance, “And when I did that, and wouldn’t let it go, I think I made you feel cornered and probably anxious — and maybe even panicky.” You don’t need to jump to conclusions or make assumptions about what they must be feeling or thinking; just try to really put yourself in their shoes.

3. Tell them what you are going to do differently in the future so that it doesn’t happen again. For example, “Going forward, when I’m upset about something you have done or failed to do, I’m going to pause and ask myself, ‘What is the outcome I want from speaking to you? In all likelihood it will be for you to just fix what needs to be fixed so you can get the results that both of us want. I will calmly speak to and maybe even with you instead of at or over you.” This reassures them that you will truly try to change your behavior in the future — not just keep apologizing after every blow-up — and hopefully ends the conversation on a more positive note.

Finally, never assume that part of the apology can be left unsaid. To really repair a rift, even then unsaid needs to be spoken out loud.

*Names and some details have been changed.

Forget the empty platitudes; your star employee is not a “godsend.” They are a person deserving of your not infrequent acknowledgment and worthy of appreciation and respect. When was the last time you thanked them — really thanked them?

In my line of work, I frequently communicate with CEOs and their executive assistants, and nowhere is the need for gratitude more clear.

After one CEO’s assistant had been particularly helpful, I replied to her email with a grateful, “I hope your company and your boss know and let you know how valuable and special you are.”

She emailed back, “You don’t know how much your email meant to me.” It made me wonder — when was the last time her boss had thanked her?

This happens frequently. For instance, a few years ago, I was trying to get in touch with one of the world’s most well-known CEOs about an article. His assistant had done a great and friendly job of gatekeeping. So when I wrote to her boss, I included this: “When I get to be rich, I’m going to hire someone like your assistant — to protect me from people like me. She was helpful, friendly, feisty vs. boring and yet guarded access to you like a loyal pit bull. If she doesn’t know how valuable she is to you, you are making a big managerial mistake and YOU should know better.”

A week later I called his assistant, and said, “I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m just following up on a letter and article I sent to your boss to see if he received it.”

His assistant replied warmly, “Of course I remember you Dr. Mark. About your letter and article. I sent him the article, but not your cover letter.”

I thought, “Uh, oh! I messed up.” Haltingly, I asked why.

She responded with the delight of someone who had just served an ace in a tennis match: “I didn’t send it to him, I read it to him over the phone.”

Needless to say, that assistant and I have remained friends ever since.

Yes, CEOs are under pressure from all sides and executives have all sorts of people pushing and pulling at them. But too often, they begin to view and treat their teams, and especially their assistants, as appliances. And a good assistant knows that the last thing their boss wants to hear from them is a personal complaint about anything. Those assistants are often paid well, and most of their bosses — especially the executives to which numbers, results, ROI and money means everything — believe that great payment and benefits should be enough.

What these executives fail to realize is that many of those assistants are sacrificing their personal lives, intimate relationships, even their children (because the executive is often their biggest child).

There will always be people who think that money and benefits and even just having a job should be thanks enough. There are also those that think they do a great job without anyone having to thank them. But study after study has shown that no one is immune from the motivating effects of acknowledgement and thanks. In fact, research by Adam Grant and Francesca Gino has shown that saying thank you not only results in reciprocal generosity — where the thanked person is more likely to help the thanker — but stimulates prosocial behavior in general. In other words, saying “thanks” increases the likelihood your employee will not only help you, but help someone else.

Here’s a case in point: at one national law firm, the Los Angeles office instilled the routine of Partners earnestly and specifically saying, “Thank you,” to staff and associates and even each other. Eeveryone in the firm began to work longer hours for less money — and burnout all but disappeared.

Whether it’s your executive assistant, the workhorse on your team, or — they exist! — a boss who always goes the extra mile for you, the hardest working people in your life almost certainly don’t hear “thank you” enough. Or when they do, it’s a too-brief “Tks!” via email.

So take action now. Give that person what I call a Power Thank You. This has three parts:

1. Thank them for something they specifically did that was above the call of duty. For instance, “Joe, thanks for working over that three-day weekend to make our presentation deck perfect. Because of it, we won the client.”
2. Acknowledge to them the effort (or personal sacrifice) that they made in doing the above. “I realize how important your family is to you, and that working on this cost you the time you’d planned to spend with your daughters. And yet you did it without griping or complaining. Your dedication motivated everyone else on the team to make the presentation excellent.”
3. Tell them what it personally meant to you. “You know that, rightly or wrongly, we are very much judged on our results and you were largely responsible for helping me achieve one that will cause my next performance review to be ‘over the moon,’ just like yours is going to be. You’re the best!”

If the person you’re thanking looks shocked or even a little misty-eyed, don’t be surprised. It just means that your gratitude has been a tad overdue.

Few people like to be pushed into doing something, or sold hard on it. And few like to push or deliver a hard sell. But at the end of the day, or even the end of a conversation, you do have to move things forward. So how do effective leaders really get things done?

As part of the research for our book, I and Dr. John Ullmen, a lecturer at the UCLA Anderson School of Business, interviewed more than 100 people who “get things done,” but who aren’t pushy. But when we asked them, “Who persuaded you to do something really important?” more than a few arched their backs and replied defensively, “Nobody persuaded me to do anything important!”

When we switched tactics and asked, “Well then who positively influenced you to become the person you are?” they leaned back, smiled, took a deep breath of satisfaction and replied, “Now that’s a different story!”

This helped us uncover a pattern of great influencers. It follows four steps. We will cover all of them in turn in future posts, but here’s the first: They go for great outcomes. (To avoid keeping you in suspense, in brief the next three are: Step 2: Listen past your blind spots; Step 3: Engage them in “their there;” Step 4: When you’ve done enough… do more.)

When people paint a picture of a great outcome, they’re not trying “to persuade people to do something important.” They’re trying to “positively influence them” to get them to a better place.

Take the story of Jim Sinegal, co-founder and former CEO of Costco, largely seen as the heart and soul of that great company. Jim is very humble and doesn’t like to be given too much credit for his and Costco’s success. He often tells the story of how, as a recovering juvenile delinquent still headed in the wrong direction, he was working as a bagger at FedMart in San Diego. One day he was singled out by the legendary Sol Price, the founder of FedMark who is viewed as the father of the warehouse store concept. Price saw beyond where Jim was, even beyond where he wanted to be, to where and who he could be — and focusing on that “great outcome” let him influence Jim, even as others had failed to persuade him. Price’s dedication to customer value and the caring treatment of employees lived on through Jim and is so ingrained in the Costco culture that those values live on beyond his stewardship as CEO.

Someone and something that have produced a great outcome for me is Pete Linnett and the Life Adjustment Team (LAT) that he founded. I was trained and practiced as a clinical psychiatrist and psychotherapist for more than twenty years before transitioning to business consulting, executive coaching and writing. For much of that time I was haunted by and felt complicit in what a poor job the mental health, drug and alcohol treatment systems did preventing relapse and lessening recidivism. Practitioners are well-intentioned, caring individuals, but the system is flawed. That is because the treatment is largely located by what is convenient to the practitioner, as opposed to where the patient lives which is their life. LAT accomplishes relapse prevention by having their case managers go out to where the patients live — taking them to doctor’s appointments, doing recreational activities, teaching them how to communicate better, even helping them learn to manage their money. LAT also works with patients’ families to eliminate conflicts.

Switching to this method has not only produced a great outcome for my patients, but it’s also produced a great outcome for me. Finally, the monkey is off my back and I’m no longer haunted by the guilt of being party to such a flawed system. But if Pete had come to me and said, “Let me tell you why my method is better than the method you’re currently using,” he’d have instantly gotten my back up — even though he was right. Instead, by starting with the great outcome — “What if it were possible to get more of your patients healthy, and to stay healthy?” — he made it easy for me to jump on his approach.

He wasn’t trying to persuade me. He was trying to have a positive influence — and to improve my ability to have a positive influence, too.

Ask yourself what a great outcome would be for your people, your company, yourself. How can you use influence — instead of persuasion — to get there?