Author: Meredith Fineman

“You really hate people,” said an ex to me during intermission at the theater, as we discussed our weekend plans. He, as always, wanted to get groups of friends together. I wanted, in contrast, a night to ourselves. “I do not hate people,” I said, angry and sad that it was this conversation again. “I just don’t want to be around them all the time.”

I’m an ambivert — both an introvert and an extrovert. As an ambivert, I also love being social and participating in social activities, but with active pauses for restorative personal time. Most of the population are ambiverts.

For anyone with introverted qualities, the above conversation (or some variant upon it) might sound familiar — your desire for alone time, one-on-one time, or a little peace and quiet, is met with misunderstanding and often judgment. I don’t think the guy in question meant harm — it’s just that our society, as Susan Cain underscores in her best-selling book Quiet, values extroversion more than introversion. But it’s not that introverts and ambiverts don’t like people. We just find large groups of them, well, a little draining.

This is challenging in personal life, but as an entrepreneur — the face of your company, consistently pitching your wares whether they be services or a product— it can be downright exhausting.

How is an introvert, ambivert, or anyone with introverted qualities to balance these social norms versus personal needs when it comes to owning your own business? And is there any way she can use them to her advantage?

As Cain explains, in our society, having introverted qualities are often met with shame. I didn’t understand why a group vacation would make me anxious, or spending a day with a lot of people without any time to myself or in a smaller setting was unappealing. It’s about wiring.
To shill your own business, you have to be outgoing, always “on.” Endless networking, going to conferences, always being up for a dinner with people that might be able to propel your trajectory — this can be exhausting even for an extrovert, but it’s even more so when you’re not wired to be around people 24/7.

What is an entrepreneur to do? I spoke with Cain candidly about this very issue — when you’re in the business of starting up, and getting yourself out there, how are you also able to do it in a way that doesn’t overload?

To begin, Cain suggests a three-pronged approach:

Go deep, not wide. “You don’t have to work the room,” says Cain. “My career has taken lots of different turns, and it has all be en a function of not having the widest rolodex, but a really deep one. I think we do people a disservice when we tell people they have to get out there in a very wide net-casting way.”

Find an extrovert. “Team up with an extrovert. Together you are greater than the sum of your parts. It’s the yin and yang.” If that’s the case, why didn’t my yin-and-yang like relationship with my extroverted ex work out? Cain says that even though introverts and extroverts complement each other, they don’t always understand each other. “This is a really big one,” she said. It’s all about a “big misconception of what introversion is. People assume that the person who wants to stay home on a Saturday is antisocial or misanthropic. Introverts are just as warm and caring, but they would rather lavish those on the people they know well. There are still going to be negotiations [between introverts and extroverts], but it should at least be conducted from a place of mutual understanding.”

Pace yourself. “Make sure to pace yourself.” This is especially important for ambiverts like me. I happen to project an extroverted image that is only partially accurate. For people like me, Cain says that means “I”m out there presenting an extroverted face, and the more I present that, the more is asked of me. It’s a great blessing to be an ambivert, but you have to be aware of pacing yourself.”

Sometimes introverts or ambiverts feel a need to defend their behaviors. Instead, Cain suggests, just be graceful. “You can just say it gracefully, ‘I’m going to my room but can’t wait to see you tomorrow at breakfast !’ People don’t give it as much thought as you think they do.”
But what if you’re in an extroverted business, like PR or Sales?

As someone who started her own digital public relations company, it can feel hard to compete with those who have no trouble going out every night, who attend a constant stream of conferences or Instagram every industry party. (Yes, there is both actual and digital FOMO.) What if everyone is hanging out without you?

Cain chocks this up to perception. “You’re really not alone, even though it looks that way. So many people appear like that to the world, and it’s the most unlikely of people.”

“Social media needs to be used on your own terms. There is nothing that says you have to constantly announce who your’e with. Maybe you present your life as one giant party, but you could be using it as a much deeper and more thoughtful way.”

Finally, says Cain, introverts are everywhere, and appearances can be deceiving. “I expected that in my research I would find introverts clustered in more traditionally introverted fields. It’s sort of true, but you find them in many professions where you least expect it. Many in media, many in public relations, it’s all about developing the skills to function.”

To borrow from the old adage, fake it ’til you make it. And then find some time for some peace and quiet.

How old are you?

I get asked that question all the time. In meetings, on conference calls, while pitching a new client. The answer really shouldn’t matter. I find myself wondering whether male entrepreneurs get asked the same question, and why the person asking me doesn’t consider it rude.

Age is messy these days, especially when it comes to jobs. While anecdotally, older workers (those 55+) claim that there is a bias against hiring them, their unemployment rate holds steady at 5.8 percent, according to the Department of Labor. While American culture often glorifies the young, this isn’t translating into young people getting hired. In fact, the unemployment rate for those aged 18-29 rose to a staggering 12.1 percent last December, up nearly a percentage point from a year before. And yet we’re not having a national conversation about age bias, even as we increasingly talk about other forms of bias.

Yes, employers want fresh, “hungry” college grads and workers (if you ask me, “hungry” is a euphemism for literal hunger, as jobs that often post for “hungry” individuals pay pennies) but it’s still very hard to find employment. Law students from prestigious universities are taking unpaid internships. After graduating Magna Cum Laude from the University of Pennsylvania, I found it so difficult to find a job I moved to Buenos Aires, Argentina to work for Young & Rubicam. I found many of my classmates following suit — moving to other countries.

Hence my discomfort with the question: How old are you?

When I am asked that question, it’s usually to gauge if, at recently 26, the fact that I’ve had my own company, FinePoint Digital PR, for nearly two years is admirable, suspect, or something else. When asked, I often respond with, “You should never ask a lady her age.” Where did I get that? Somewhere in the recesses of my mind, apparently in the 19th century while my other business was churning butter.

And yet the world of digital media and tech entrepreneurship has turned a lot of our assumptions about age on its head.

It used to be that in any industry, years of experience meant knowledge, leadership, and wisdom. And this paradigm hasn’t completely died away; many male friends of mine lament about grey hairs, to which I often respond that it will probably help them in business, especially if they’re in more traditional sectors like insurance or finance. They will be taken more seriously because they’ll be perceived as older and more experienced. (Grey hair is decidedly more complicated for women.)

But if you work in entrepreneurship, technology, or digital media, it can feel like a competition to see who’s the youngest. This, too, is complicated. The Forbes 30 Under 30 is a goal for many entrepreneurs I know, myself included. And yet I wrote the satirical Highlights “5 Under 5” to underscore my ambivalence about how obsessed we are with youthfulness these days, from wunderkinds to genius college dropouts. At SXSW this year, I was struck by how young everyone was — and how it sets a bar that is almost impossible to meet. This year’s TED Conference even highlighted some speakers as young as 12. The speaking series has an entire teen division.

As complex as these ages issues are for men, being female renders them even more problematic. Too young, too old — we seem to instantaneously switch from one to the other. For instance, a close friend was asked her age at SXSW Interactive this year, and at 31, shocked the lothario who asked because, and I quote, “Girls aren’t usually pretty after 28.” Sure, that is only one guy’s obnoxious comment. But it does seem like there’s an awfully short window between “too young” and “too old,” whether you’re talking about business or pleasure. And with female leaders judged more harshly on their appearance, the two may not be as far apart as we like to think.

An entrepreneur is often the face, literally, of her company. When that face doesn’t match our expectations, it’s easy to become nonplussed. A male client, with whom I had worked for months before meeting in person, began our first face-to-face meeting with the exclamation “You’re so young!” I wasn’t quite sure what to say, and mostly I felt belittled and furious. (Think how you’d feel if you sat down with a client who blurted out, “You’re so old!” Exactly.)

Sure, I’m young compared to some of my clients. To my grandmother, I’m eleven. (And I hope she keeps sending care packages, forever.) But compared to app developers out of Stanford, I’m ancient.

Working hard, disruption, and the entrepreneurial spirit knows no age. To judge based upon it would be juvenile.