Author: The Dude

Hey Dude,
(Remember that show? Ha.)

Recently I had what I assumed was my first legit one-night stand.  Chatted up a friend of a friend at a bar, decided to accept his invitation to go home with him. In the morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, he mentioned that “we’re going to a party tonight, give us a call.” I assumed this meant him and the mutual friend and was probably just him saying it to make me feel less awkward about last night, especially since I didn’t have his number.  But a little later he mentioned hanging out that night again, asked if I had his number and then wrote it down for me.  After work I gave him a call but he didn’t answer.  I left a message with my name saying if had been wondering what was going on that night and that I’d talk to him later, and never heard back from him.  Should I try calling again or just let it go as a one night thing?

– Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Are you suffering from mixed signals? Did he seem like a prince but now you’re afraid he’s a frog? Did he tell you to call and then seemingly abandoned you to voicemail Hell? You might also be experiencing occasional bouts of frustration, self-doubt, and homicidal thoughts. If so you could be suffering from a**holeitis. But then again, you may be the victim of fatal coincidences.

What pisses me off about your predicament is that you got sucked into something you didn’t want! You thought everything was on the level, you knew your role and the guy knew his, and suddenly he flips you on your back (or were you on top?). What happened?

Clueless, you’ve been duped by the idea of a one-night stand. The fantasy of one-night stands is that emotional attachment is not a risk; NSA (No Strings Attached, not the agency Bush used to spy on Americans’ porn e-mails); free love; a fun night of in and out, and enjoy the memory. One-night stands don’t end at the orgasm (if you’re fortunate to be with a guy sober enough to get you there.) But fear not, Clueless, there’s a way out. First let’s examine the possible diagnoses:

A**holeitis:

If the prince’s a reptile the following are reasons why he gave you his number: he was testing you to see if you’d call him, he wanted to make sure he had a booty call for that night, or he’s trying to make you not feel like a one-night stand.

Fatal Coincidences:

Maybe he’s not a snake in the grass, just a shnook (does anybody else get this Chuck reference?). Perhaps he’s a victim of circumstances: his phone’s dead or broken (like my iPhone every 5 weeks), he’s unbelievably busy and wants to make sure he’s got the time to talk, someone really close to him died (this one’s based on a real experience), or there’s the old “he got hit by a Hummer pushing a child out of harm’s way and has amnesia (or he could be in a coma!)” scenario.

Here are the doctor’s orders: you’ve placed the ball in his court and now you must stop playing the game. You’ve called and you’ve called – keep calling you run the risk of coming off as creepy. As soon as you’ve put him out of your mind either he’ll call you or you won’t care anymore. The worst thing you can do is to obsess over someone you’re not sure wants to see you. Take a deep breath, lose yourself in a guilty pleasure, and get the burden of his choices off your shoulders. If you don’t, you might be closing yourself off to meeting someone worth those extra minutes.

Saving you from sleepless nights,
Dr. Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to [email protected]. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Yo Dude,

I’m just going to start this off by saying that I have no game, whatsoever.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that I’m pretty shy and don’t really speak up when I want something.  If I meet a guy that is good looking or seems nice, I normally won’t go after him unless he shows some interest first.  Unfortunately, this has landed me in a rut lately and I’m finding myself in a situation that I need to take charge of.

I recently met a guy (who just so happens to be my neighbor in my apartment) and I feel like nothing is going to happen if I don’t do something first.  But the problem is I don’t know what to do!  Asking him to come over and hang out just seems silly to me yet the most logical since we live right next to each other.

Dude, can you help me with my game?  I hate putting myself out there but I want to get to know this guy!  Or any guy for that matter!

Sincerely,
Gameless

Dear Gameless,

To make the first move or, not to make the first move? That is the dilemma, one that affects a lot of guys, not just women.  Shyness is a disease (the Dude having been a victim to it) but one with a cure! And it won’t involve needles (usually). Firstly: You’ve got game. Everyone has some kind of game; the trick is getting the other person to play by your rules.

Lots of guys spend years dreaming of a self-assured warrior woman, with eyes like Lucy Lawless and lips like Jessica Alba, to jump into our laps and…okay maybe I’m digressing. The long and short of it is that a lot of men love a girl who stops playing the game and just tells him she wants to play.

The hardest part of making the first move is coming on strong but not too strong. There are tons of ways to approach the new neighbor:

Ask for a cup of sugar.
Sabotage your sink (not toilet, that’s too vital) and see if he has plumbing skills.
Bring him a “welcome to the neighborhood” fruit basket (make sure there are nectarines in it, guys love nectarines! Okay, the Dude loves nectarines).

If none of these scenarios, that porn has convinced us is the right way to make an introduction, work then there’s the simple but effective “invite him over for a specific reason” approach. Asking a guy to come over and “hang out” is a vague, non-descriptive, and to certain specimens of the male gender, sexually over toned gesture. You must come up with a reason to invite him over. The Super Bowl’s coming up – ask him if he would want to come watch it with you. Or next time you see him in the hall start up idle chit-chat about one of your favorite shows (“hey, did you see Chuck last night?”), get him to tell you what he likes to watch and invite him to come over to watch it with you. If you have a PS3 or Xbox360, buy either Arkham Asylum or Assassins Creed 2 and then he’ll never leave! OK, that last one might be a little too far, but you get the point. A little recon work might be necessary but the hardest part of a conversation is saying “hi.” Once you do that, everything else comes with it.

You don’t need to ask for baking supplies to get a guy into your place (unless you have a German Chocolate Cake due in the morning for culinary class). Find something you enjoy and can bring him into. And once you get him inside on the couch, then you can ask him about his plumbing skills…

Happy Hunting,
The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to [email protected]. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]