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According to this chart from Citi's Alan Heap today, gold traders are the most net-long they've been this decade, as indicated by the yellow line below. We'll go out on a limb and bet that they are also the most net-long in decades even given the massive run up in gold over the last few years.

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See Also:

• Gold ETF Approaching Record Volume, As Metal Plunges $50 (GLD)
• Gold Plunges Below $1200 After Jobs Data
• Surprise: Now Even China Thinks Gold Is In Bubble Territory

Filed under: Spy Photos, Sedan, Buick

Yesterday, we showed you the first official rendering of Buick’s forthcoming small car, a shrunken LaCrosse lookalike that is expected to be based on the European market Opel Astra. The image was flashed on the screen during General Motors’ presentation of the new 2011 Buick Regal at this week’s LA Auto Show, and judging by these latest spy shots from our friends at CarPix, it would appear that the rendering gives us a very good look at the upcoming sedan.

As we saw in an earlier batch of shots, the Delta-II platform-based model (known as the Excelle in China) will retain Buick’s signature waterfall grille, yet unlike the Regal, it will have a set of horizontally-mounted ventiports to add a bit of the marque’s characteristic flash. In the past, the number of ventiport holes indicated the number of cylinders of the engine lurking beneath the sheetmetal, but in this case, we don’t expect for the as-yet-unnamed U.S. sedan to carry more than four cylinders.

With the Regal and this forthcoming small sedan, GM is clearly making a big push to lower the average buyer age of its Buick division by injecting a bit of sport and perhaps a greater measure of affordability. Is this the right strategy for the brand, or is The General at risk of revisiting the same brand perception (and brand overlap) issues it had in the Eighties with smaller cars like the Somerset and Century? Be sure to check out our high-res gallery below and then hop into Comments to let us know what you think.

[Source: CarPix]

Spy Shots: Baby Buick sedan caught in Germany originally appeared on Autoblog on Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:27:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The panic over the mutated H1N1 flu strain in the Ukraine has reached epic proportions. Over 450 people have died from the strain and nearly 2 million people have been infected:

FTO: The new statistics and numbers show that 41 659 people got infected since the day before yesterday. That means that almost 100 000 people got infected in two days. Today’s statistics are not there yet but looking at what happened from the 2nd to the 3rd we see that 452 people have now died in the Ukraine because of this plague / H1N1 spreading there.

The total of number of infections grew to 1 978 951. That is almost 2million people now infected in the Ukraine. Read the whole thing >>

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See Also:

• Ignore The Flu And The Russia Problem, And Keep Gambling On The Ukraine
• Ukraine Flu Death Toll Hits 400
• Mutant Ukrainian Black Lung Enters The U.S.

With Tim Quirk’s story about his fictional royalty statements from Warner Music, more people are beginning to talk about these kinds of things. Bob Lefsetz points to another report of a royalty statement of an unrecouped artist (and former major label exec), David Bach, who notes with some surprise that on his last royalty statement from Warner Music, the amount the band owed had gone up. In other words, the royalties that the band had accrued had somehow decreased:

In May of 2007, I wrote a post about the wacky world of record company royalty recoupment.

This week (Nov.-2009) – I received another royalty statement.

Wow!…we’ve gone backwards!

In May 2007, we were unrecouped to Warner Brothers to the tune of $174,073.84

Now…our balance is up to $174,717.56!

Talk about “pushing forward back!”.

How is this possible?

Good question!

Now, to be fair, Bach still says that he was happy with his major record deal, in noting that it was effectively an “unsecured loan” in that he doesn’t lose his house if it never gets recouped. He conveniently leaves out the clear explanation that the label is still making money based on the wholesale price of the album, which is many times over what royalties are due to recoup the advance. He also leaves out the fact that while it was an “unsecured loan,” it also involved him giving up basically all rights to the music created under that deal forever (or, as the industry prefers, forever minus a day). Not sure that’s really that great a deal. With a real loan, you don’t also give up the lender something to keep forever. That’s not a loan, it’s a transaction.

Still, the bigger issue is this idea that the amount that still needs to be recouped has gone backwards over time. It again raises serious questions about how Warner Music accounts for what it owes bands, whether they’re recouped or unrecouped. I recognize that accounting may be a boring topic, but it’s an important one that Warner has contractual obligations to keep accurate. And… plenty of other businesses with similar challenges seem to be able to keep track of what royalties are owed to whom. Why can’t Warner Music keep it straight?

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Gold is down today. Way down.

Currently, it’s at $1168 an ounce, down nearly $50 and way below the mystical $1200 mark, but the big news is that the SPDR Gold Trust

Over 65 million shares have exchanged hands, way up from the average of 17.8 million.

Big thanks to Louis Winthorpe for the heads up.

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See Also:

• Gold Plunges Below $1200 After Jobs Data
• Goldman: Gold’s Headed To $1450
• David Rosenberg: Buy The Gold Dips, Because It’s Only Going Higher

Filed under: Car Buying, Sedan, Performance, Aston Martin, UK, Luxury

Aston Martin has finally hung a price tag on its long-awaited four door, the Rapide, in its U.K. home market. As you might reasonably expect, it won’t come cheap, starting at £139,950 or about $233,000 USD. Given pricing disparities between international markets, that’s not necessarily an indication of what the Rapide will command Stateside, but we note that the Rapide costs nearly twice what Porsche asks for its base Panamera – and over £40K ($66k USD) more than even the impossibly quick Panamera Turbo. Though the cars weren’t exactly designed as competitors, there’s little doubt that the two four-passenger sloping-roof models will be cross-shopped by interested parties, along with other quick luxocrats like the Maserati Quattroporte and Bentley Continental Flying Spur.

For that £139,950 price tag, though, buyers will be getting a largely handmade and finely-crafted automobile powered by a 470-horsepower V12 engine. For what it’s worth, that’s 30 horses less than the Panamera Turbo, but it’s wrapped in less divisive sheetmetal and it’ll undoubtedly be far more exclusive.

Initial Rapide deliveries in Great Britain are expected to begin in the spring of 2010, but if you’re interested in having an example of your very own, you’d best queue up now. Check out the updated gallery with new high-res images of the 2011 Aston Martin Rapide below, and the official press release is after the jump.

[Source: Aston Martin]

Continue reading Aston Martin Rapide priced from £139,950 in the UK

Aston Martin Rapide priced from £139,950 in the UK originally appeared on Autoblog on Fri, 04 Dec 2009 14:01:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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At 57, Shigeru Miyamoto is already known as a living legend, well-known in gaming spaces the world over. With Mario, The Legend of Zelda, and Donkey Kong among the creds under his belt, the Nintendo mastermind has

PhoneArena has published their review of the Acer’s low end smartphone, the Acer beTouch E100.  The Windows Mobile 6.5 smartphone has a WQVGA 3.2 inch screen and lacks smartphone basics like WIFI, but should partially make up for this by an ultra-low price.

PhoneArena however concludes:

The only real advantage of the Acer beTouch E100 over its rivals, the Samsung OmniLITE B7300 and HTC Touch2, is in its ability to play DivX and Xvid videos with extremely high resolution. However, it´s mediocre in every other respect – perfunctory personalization pack, low build quality and lack of attention to details are just part of everything that makes us believe its competitors are much better WM smartphones.

and scores the device a corresponding 6.5/10.

Read the full review here.

More evidence that the bond rally may have gotten ahead of itself, especially for the more speculative grades of fixed income. Bond buyers have bid up prices so much that it’s hard to even find a distressed-looking bond, despite the fact that there were tons of these just back in November

Distressed Debt Investor: In November of 2008, there was over $230B of corporate debt trading below 50% of par. Today there is less than $10B. As a percent of the market, 31.4% was distressed in November and now only approximately 1%. Hence the reason for the title of the post: There is no more distressed – just a lot of high yield.

Bonds were surely oversold in November 2008, but the sentiment pendulum may have now swung too far in the other direction. It’s hard to believe that only 1% of the bond market will end up distressed over the next few years.

What compounds this situation, which Peter correctly alluded to in his presentation, is distressed funds have had a huge year. A huge year is generally followed by capital raising – more capital to the distressed space means asset prices being bid up and IRR’s decreasing.

Where will the distressed bond investors put their money if everything has already run up? If they buy bonds that no longer carry distressed prices, then they won’t have much upside and mostly just be exposed on the downside should these bonds return to their past distressed-level prices .

Which means they’ll probably be forced to pick over the worst parts of the market and pile into the same few choices like sheep. 

Of course, as mentioned in previous months, I believe this is a long drawn out cycle and distressed debt will return in force when the wall of maturities in 2012, 2013, and 2014 begin to tumble onto a weaker market where structured credit buyers are no longer forceful participants. But it could happen sooner if economic growth continues to be lukewarm at best.

Even if the economy has a moderate rebound, a positive scenario, more than 1% of bonds are likely to run into serious trouble. This situation just speaks to the high level of expectations priced into bonds currently.

Read more at Distressed Debt Investor here.

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See Also:

• Venezuela Bonds Suffer A Rout As Chavez Manufactures A Banking Crisis
• Bond Funds To Bet On A Dying US Dollar
• You’re Getting Paid Far Less To Hold Bonds Now

It was just another day of shooting on the set of The Office this week when star Jenna Fischer, who plays Pam on the show, noticed a member of the crew walking around with a cat carrier. When she asked about it, the crew member said that the five-week old kitten inside and another litter mate had been rescued from under a trailer, and they weren’t sure what to do with them.

Jenna, a longtime cat lover, took on the task of fostering the two kittens, named Dunder and Mifflin after the fictitious paper company in the sitcom, for two weeks before they were able to head to Kitten Rescue, a non-profit organization (Jenna will be hosting their 2nd Annual Fur Ball at the Skirball, an event benefiting the L.A. group this Saturday).

“Dunder is kind of like a little scoundrel,” Fischer told peoplepets.com. “I have a fireplace and a white couch, and one day I look over, and he’s walked through the soot of the fireplace and was putting perfect little kitten paw prints all across my white couch!”

Both kittens already have adoptions pending!

[image: bauer-griffin]

Post from: Blisstree

Celeb Pets: Jenna Fischer Fosters Kittens

Filed under: Aftermarket, LA Auto Show, Wagon, Crossover, Toyota, Specialty, Off-Road

No, this isn’t a leftover post from SEMA, although to be perfectly fair, it is a leftover vehicle from SEMA. While reporting on the Hot Rod Toyota Tundra and Tacoma All-Terrain Gamer, we somehow missed this tricked-out Venza. Kitted out by the Australian surfwear mavens at Billabong, it’s called the Ultimate Venza Concept. Umm, yeah. While the vast majority of Venza crossovers are probably never going to be used off-road, this Ultimate Venza apparently wants us to know that any extreme sports fan will be happy in one.

Toyota had Street Image do the build. They started with a 2009 Venza and added a body kit with Outback-worthy fender flares and alloy wheels. That crazy custom roof rack can accommodate surfboards, snow boards and wake boards, and can be lowered for easier loading. There’s even a hidden cargo rack that allows skis and snow boards to be mounted at the back. There are front and rear hitch receivers, a Grinch Winch to “pull wake boarders into waves or snow boarders and skaters across flat land to a jump or rail,” and a TRD big brake kit in there as well.

Besides being identified by the massive graphics along the flanks, Billabong also chipped in wet suit material for the seats and an homage of sorts on the headliner which features a collage of Billabong athletes in action. The vehicle also incorporates certain “living” features like a heated shower system to help you rinse off after surfing and a Verizon Wireless access point router to keep you abreast of current surf and snow conditions. Look for it at upcoming Billabong surf events, read more about it in the press release after the jump, and see it in our high-res gallery below.

Photos copyright (C)2009 Frank Filipponio/Weblogs, Inc.
[Source: Toyota]

Continue reading LA 2009: Toyota and Billabong craft one funky Venza

LA 2009: Toyota and Billabong craft one funky Venza originally appeared on Autoblog on Fri, 04 Dec 2009 13:30:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Our inaugural SharpBrains Summit continues to grow momentum – here goes a quick update.

New Speakers:

Thomas M. Warden is Assistant Vice President and Leader of Allstate’s Research and Planning Center (ARPC). He helps sets ARPC’s research agenda and manage its execution by 60-member ARPC staff, leading the development of significant innovations that contribute to Allstate’s profitable growth. He is a Chartered Financial Analyst and has an M.B.A. from Harvard University.

Dr. Laurence Hirshberg directs the NeuroDevelopment Center and serves on the faculty of the Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior of the Brown University Medical School as Clinical Assistant Professor. The NeuroDevelopment Center is one of the 20 research sites worldwide participating in the largest study of neurophysiological markers for depression. Dr. Hirshberg is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified in EEG biofeedback by the Biofeedback Certification Institute of America, and recently served as Guest Editor and contributor to a special issue of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America devoted to emerging interventions in applied neuroscience, including neurofeedback and other brain based interventions.

New Silver Sponsor:

A.G.E. Matters is a multidisciplinary Adult and Geriatric Evaluation Clinic in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, with a mission to provide swift and continually upgraded access to community-based, comprehensive assessment of cognition, function and behavior; personalized programs of prevention, counseling, education and treatment; and nutritional and lifestyle recommendations, cognitive training programs, and medications of proven benefit.

New Partners:

The Alzheimer’s Drug Discovery Foundation was established in 2004 as a public charity to support the advancement of drugs to prevent, treat, and cure Alzheimer’s disease, related dementias, and cognitive aging. Our strategy of venture philanthropy is based on the idea that our research grant recipients are engaged in projects that are potentially viable in the marketplace with a possible return on investment.

The International Council on Active Aging® (ICAA) was founded in the belief that unifying the efforts of the organizations focused on older adults benefits both the people they reach and the organizations themselves. Today, the vision is shared by over 8,000 organizations connected to the ICAA network.

The Knowledge Media Design Institute (KMDI) is a leader in interdisciplinary research and teaching at the University of Toronto. Our work spans the scientific study of the ways in which media and media technologies shape, and are shaped by, human activity, and the practical work of founding an interdisciplinary nexus for the design of such media. Adopting a human-centred and participatory approach to design, our goal is to enhance human skill rather than diminish it, and to encourage creativity and innovation.

The USC Davis School of Gerontology has consistently pioneered innovative educational programs including the world’s first Ph.D. in Gerontology, the first joint Master’s degree in Gerontology and Business Administration, and the first undergraduate Health Science Track in Gerontology. Research in molecular biology, neuroscience, demography, psychology, sociology and public policy is conducted under the auspices of the Ethel Percy Andrus Gerontology Center, founded in 1964.

Still much much more work ahead…but we are excited to see how this is shaping up!

For more information, and to Register a early-bird rates, click on SharpBrains Summit.

San Francisco, California | Mummies

The Sutro Collection of Egyptian Antiquities amounts to approximately 700 objects, including the two intact mummies, three mummified heads, and a mummified hand purchased in 1884 by Adolph Sutro himself. The stars of the collection are the two mummies, who are estimated to date back to the 21-22 Dynasties approximately 3500 years ago.

Nes-Per-N-Nub, a mummy whose rare, triple nesting sarcophagi belie former great import, as the doorkeeper in the temple of Amun, is thought to hail from Thebes. The second, unnamed mummy is a female who is often referred to as The Yellow Mummy due to her sarcophagus’ brilliant color, and is remarkable for having extra sets of bones within the folds of her wrappings.

Recent scientific studies have shown that members of Egyptian society’s class worthy of such immortal preservation were plagued by worn teeth, periodontal diseases, abscesses and cavities, as well as arteriosclerosis (the hardening of arteries). Though CT scans have not shed light on The Yellow Mummy’s cause of death, they have shown that Nes-Per-N-Nub died of natural causes and revealed that he was not immune to such maladies, as the poor guy suffered from a history of both cavities and arthritis.

Unfortunately, all records of Sutro’s purchase of his Egyptian treasures were destroyed in the 1906 San Francisco earthquake and subsequent fire. Renowned for a populist ethos that extended well beyond his term as Mayor, Sutro displayed his collection at the Sutro Public Baths from 1895 to until the baths’ scheduled demolition in 1966. The collection had, conveniently enough, already been moved from the building before the night that the Sutro Baths burned to the ground under dubious circumstances.

The collection was housed for a time at the University of California Extension Center, but the mummies, various body parts, and the rest of the artifacts found their current final resting place at the Classics Department of San Francisco State University in 1972.

The University’s Museum Studies program displays an array of Sutro’s collection at their biannual public exhibition. The mummies are regularly featured in these exhibits, placed beneath glass plates with small holes where the curious can muster their bravery to take a whiff of ancient times.

Sadly the April 2010 Exhibition has been canceled due to budget cuts in the CSU system.

Chris Anderson points us to a great example of ways to respond to criticism. It involves the company Microchip, which received a scathing video review of its PICKit 3 offering that the reviewer felt was worse in pretty much every way than the product it was replacing. As the video goes on and the reviewer, Dave, gets angrier, he posits that some “dickhead MBA” took over the management of this offering, and decided to kill off good features and save money by skimping on other things:

Now, there are lots of ways to respond to such criticism, but none might be as clever as what Microchip actually did. Which was create its own video, showing the product planning meeting with the new product manager, one D. Head, discussing how to save money and squeeze more money out of customers… leading to his eventual firing and the engineers adding back in some of the missing features and explaining why it actually made a lot more sense to change some of the other features:



It’s funny, self-deprecating, clearly acknowledges the criticisms and either explains how the company is going to fix them or why those decisions were made in the process. Even if you don’t know anything about the company or these products, there are a lot of things that anyone in any business can learn about the way Microchip handled this.

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Dynasty Warriors fun. Online fun. Dynasty Warriors Online fun. All that in PlayStation 3 awesome. Koei is really set on porting Dynasty Warriors Online into the PS3, and lucky for us, a retailer

Filed under: LA Auto Show, Classics, Convertible, Performance, Specialty

Tucked away into the nookiest cranny of the LA Auto Show and literally parked behind a Morgan sits the Allard J2X MkII, perhaps the most breathtaking car in the joint. You nerds out there might be saying, “They dragged an admittedly concours-condition J2X out to Los Angeles? Big deal.” Which is precisely what we thought as we strolled right past the spiffy, spankin’ Allard for nearly two days. But then we took a closer look. Why would someone fit humongous Wilwood brakes to a vintage car?

Because this puppy ain’t vintage. See that “MkII” suffix hanging off the end of the title there? This Allard is all new. As in a modern, hand-built continuation of the original Allard. Not only does the Allard Registry recognize the roadster and issue each one its own continuation serial number, but the president of Allard Motor Works is named Roger Allard – though he’s not a descendant of founder Sydney Allard. But even if it wasn’t a bang-on recreation of the hugely successful 1951-1954 J2X race car, this car would tickle us you know where.

Why? So many reasons.

Besides the usual “Just look at it!” bloviation, the frame is built from tubular steel with double roll bars covering the cowl and fuel tank. And inboard rear-brakes. Then there’s the absolutely stunning, jewelery-like hand-fitted instruments and aluminum dash. And the red leather. And the leather hood straps. And the (functional) portholes. The knock-off hubs. The twin side-pipes. And on and on and on. And on.

Then there’s the little (or not so little) matter of what’s under the hood. In this particular car, it’s a 5.7-liter Chrysler Hemi V8 with a massive throttle body and a lot of other reworked jazz that’s good for around 500 horsepower. You want a 600-hp 6.1-liter Hemi? Not a problem. You can also opt for a Chevy 350, Caddy Northstar or Ford 351. The sprint from zero to 60 happens in about 4.5 seconds and, depending on the motor, you could pop off a quarter-mile in the low 12 seconds at 110 mph.

Currently the Allard J2X is being built in two places (Montreal and Upstate New York), although there are plans to move to a single factory soon. Roger Allard plans on keeping the new Allard pretty exclusive, limiting its numbers to just one hundred per year. Oddly, about a quarter of that total is slated for Australia. Or maybe not so oddly, as when we shut our eyes we can totally picture ourselves blasting across the Outback in a J2X MkII, bugs in our teeth and roos bouncing off the nerf bars. Cost of entry? The new Allard starts at $138,500.

[Source: Allard]

LA 2009: Allard J2X MkII drops our jaw originally appeared on Autoblog on Fri, 04 Dec 2009 12:59:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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MC Hammer has always liked spending cash for gold. Now he’s an equity partner in the booming cash for gold business.

Except this time it’s MC Hammer who is exploiting people profiting.

The eighties pop star was already a spokesperson for Cash4Gold, releasing a viral ad for the company’s U.K. division in September.

Here’s the transcript from the video:

“U.K. What’s goin down? It’s your man MC Hammer. It’s time to take that gold — you don’t need the crown jewels! — it’s time to take that gold and get it sold! Send Cash4Gold all your unwanted, your broken jewelry and we’ll send you cash. And don’t forget to tell us who would you like to see in our next U.K. commercial. We melt gold, baby!”

More coverage at the Telegraph.

Join the conversation about this story »

See Also:

• Gold Tumbles, As Nervous Investors Want Greenbacks Instead
• U.S. Mint Runs Out of Gold Coins
• 10 Tips For The First-Time Business Owner

Smokers rejoice. There is a new, healthier way to smoke, all thanks to the innovators at Altria (formerly known as Philip Morris). Marlboro has just released Smoke Rites, a new line of health conscious products for modern people with active lifestyles.

The concept was borne over two years of intense research at Marlboro laboratories. Head researcher Dr. Dylan Pantzenfahr explains, “Curing lung cancer is one of Marlboro’s top priorities. And while we can’t change the nature of [tobacco], we can change the way people smoke it.” Pantzenfahr is referring to serving size. To date there is no standard serving size for cigarette consumption. “It’s a tricky question,” says Pantzenfahr, “A man with massive lungs may consume a much larger serving of cigarettes than, say, a tiny person.” Nevertheless, in early 2007 Pantzenfahr and his team of specialists made it their one mission to answer the serving size question.

Early tests failed. The group ran into several technical and legal obstacles. Julie Lawson, the team’s resident psychiatrist, palms her face when discussing the initial trials. “It was the wild west. No one had a clue what a serving of cigarettes looked like. We had monkeys smoking cigarettes, men smoking catfood, women using corn cob pipes. Eight cigs, twelve cigs, we had to cut the 200-cigs-per-day experiment short because too many subjects were losing feeling in their limbs.” Julie shakes her head, “We didn’t learn what a serving was, but we learned if you smoke more than 200 cigarettes per day your urine turns black.”

But the smoke team didn’t quit. 420 million dollars and 18 months later Pantzenfahr made a discovery. “The serving size was still eluding us, but we found something amazing in the data.” One of the experiments compared people who smoked as much as they wanted each day with people who only smoked six cigarettes a day. Over 30 people were tested, and the results showed a 14% lower chance of lung cancer in the people who smoked just 6 cigarettes. The message was clear, smoking 6 cigarettes reduces your risk of cancer. Pantzenfahr’s eyes light up when he remembers the day he made the connection, “I double checked the findings, I turned to my research assistant and told her we’d just stumbled upon a way to cure cancer through smoking.”

Marlboro’s CEO, Jeff Skinling, was skeptical. “I didn’t want to throw another half billion dollars into a scientific hunch. I had them run a double blind study. Then a triple blind, then a quadruple blind study before deciding we were blind enough to move forward.”

When Skinling moves forward, he moves fast. Within months Marlboro created the Smoke Rite brand, produced a commercial, designed the packaging, and even built a bio-green-environment-safe production facility. “Now people know they are being healthy and environmentally chic when they smoke,” says Marlboro customer sensitivity chief Nancy McKerberster.

The Smoke Rites are scheduled to hit gas stations and grocery stores within the month. Smokers will now have the option to buy a traditional 20-cigarette pack, or a Smart Carton of Smoke Rites. Each Smart Carton contains 12 small 6-cigarette Smoke Rite packs. Additionally, some regions will have the option to buy Smart Carton Plusses which will include a bonus seventh cigarette in each 6-cigarette pack.

“This is just the beginning,” says Josh Glott, co-vice executive head of development and strategic marketing productivity at Marlboro, “Beyond the commercials and the promo spots on morning shows, our next batch of Smoke Rites will promote even further awareness of smoking health as we plan on including heart, check mark, and jogger silhouette icons on each pack. We’re even planning future Smoke Rites to be sold in a pack shaped like a healthy lung.” Glott holds up a magazine ad and smiles. The ad shows a mom in a sports bra holding a heart-shaped bowl filled with cigarettes.

But not everyone approves of the healthy cigarettes. Grace Null heads a privately funded interest group dedicated to speaking out against the re-packaging. “You think people are really going to smoke just 6 cigarettes a day? No sir, people will end up smoking that entire Smart Carton.” Null cites a study to back up her claim. But Pantzenfahr is quick to reply, “Her claim is true, but only for people who don’t have control over their smoking habits. For people who are in control, the Smoke Rites are the healthiest choice.”

The company’s strategy of product miniaturization is spreading to other health conscious corporations such as Jagermeister. “Alcohol is a powerful disinfectant,” says Jagermeister corporate researchologist Joe Bellows, “Studies show males between the ages of 28 and 55 need extra disinfecting at the end of a work day. Jagermeister Disinfectaboosters are a healthy way to disinfect your liver. And because of their small size, they’re fine to drink before driving home.” Bellows is boastful of his company’s new stance, though he admits Jagermeister is not the first to do so, citing Michelob Ultra’s movement to inform the public of the important role beer plays in exercise and fitness.

Uzi has also joined the bandwagon, taking the first groundbreaking steps toward pistols and sub-machine guns that load “Smartables” two bullet magazines instead of the more dangerous fourteen bullet magazines. A safer gun for safer crimes.

Jeff Skinling doesn’t seem concerned with all the corporate piggybacking. “The smaller pack thing is just the tip of the iceberg in our new campaign for health. Just wait till you wrap your lips around our Vitacigs.” Skinling is referring to an upcoming project that will inject vitamins and minerals into packs of Marlboro Smoke Rites. Each Smoke Rite pack would contain up to 15% of the recommended daily allowance of niacin. “Smoke 7 packs a day, and you’re over 100%!” claims Skinling. Niacin is also known as vitamin B3. Outside of Smoke Rite Vitapacks, niacin can only be found in meat, vegetables, nuts, fruits, dairy products, and grains.

While it may be years before the negative and slanderous term “cancer sticks” fades from American lexicon, Pantzenfahr is hopeful that his research along with the new repackaging and re-labeling will finally sway the public to see Marlboro cigarettes for what they really are: immunity sticks. And as for current public opinion? “I don’t need to be able to pronounce the name of every single ingredient on every label of every product I buy,” says one American consumer, “I just need to know if I am being healthy when I put it in my mouth or when I give it to my children.”

What do you think of Marlboro’s latest escapade? Share your thoughts on corporate spin, food product marketing and “Smoke Rites” in the comment board!

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3. Forging Your Own Genetic Destiny