by staff<\/p>\n
Patrick Henry, one of your founding fathers, proclaimed, \u201cGive me liberty, or give me death!\u201d\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ll forgo the liberty and<\/em> the death, if you don\u2019t mind. I just want life! Give me something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and don\u2019t carve me up for your feast. Let me live!<\/p>\n Bird flu\u2014yeah, it\u2019s still around. That\u2019s how people get it, you know\u2014from handling\u2014and that includes EATING\u2014birds. I\u2019m a bird. Maybe I have bird flu. Maybe I don\u2019t. Like Clint Eastwood says, \u201cDo you feel lucky?\u201d So think of your loved ones, and spare them the risk of touching and eating my possibly diseased carcass.\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying I know for sure I\u2019m infected, but in the words of Jim Hickerson, our superintendent, \u201cAnything is possible.\u201d Why take the risk? Spare me.<\/p>\n Al Quaida, suicide bombings, cyber bullying, road rage\u2026there\u2019s too much violence in the world, so let\u2019s start off the holiday season with one less homicide\u2014mine. You\u2019ll feel better for it, and I know I will.<\/p>\n Another reason you\u2019ll feel better about sparing my life is that you won\u2019t be loaded up with trytophan.\u00a0 That\u2019s the stuff that makes you sleepy. Me\u2014I\u2019m loaded\u2014but loaded<\/em>\u2014with it. This is the ingredient that causes you to pass out on the floor or in the chair after eating me. You neglect everyone else, all the people who came over to visit, heck\u2014flew over to visit.\u00a0 Just lying there on the floor like a big fat lump of useless dough, snoring so loud the women can\u2019t hear themselves talk and the kids strain to hear the sound effects on their new xbox game. All because of tryptophan coursing through your digestive system causing you to become comatose. That\u2019s why those toddlers shoved those salmon berries up your nostrils last time\u2014because they could! So be alert this Thanksgiving\u2014don\u2019t eat me.<\/p>\n Sure, I can hear the traditionalists whining, \u201cBut we\u2019ve always<\/em> had turkey for Thanksgiving, ever since the first Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and the Native Americans\u2026\u201d Well, let me tell you something about tradition, pal: just because you\u2019ve always done something doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s not stupid. Look at those Salem witchcraft trials\u2014it was practically a tradition with them to accuse and hang innocent people for being witches, but that didn\u2019t make it right.<\/em> Why be a homicidal maniac on this joyous day of thankfulness? For goodness\u2019 sake, your relative are here\u2014behave! Eat some soy bean cake molded into the shape of a turkey, or some of that Vegan stuff\u2014you\u2019ll thank me for it, and I\u2019ll thank you<\/em> for it.<\/p>\n This holiday is all about ideals, right? People coming together to show their gratitude for cooperation and community spirit in hard times. Being left alive would make this the ideal holiday for me. So,\u00a0 please, let me live.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" by staff Patrick Henry, one of your founding fathers, proclaimed, \u201cGive me liberty, or give me death!\u201d\u00a0 Well, I\u2019ll forgo the liberty and the death, if you don\u2019t mind. I just want life! Give me something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving and don\u2019t carve me up for your feast. Let me live! Bird flu\u2014yeah, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":975,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-113029","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/113029","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/975"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=113029"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/113029\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=113029"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=113029"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=113029"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}