This break, we learned that unlike Santa Claus, Tiger Woods doesn\u2019t stop at three hos. None of Woods\u2019 16 or so alleged mistresses have been confirmed, but let\u2019s just assume for a second that all these mistresses are in fact telling the truth and Tiger had literally dozens of women waiting for him to bring the ruckus.<\/p>\n
If so, Woods is more ruthlessly efficient off the golf course than on it–at least until allegations of a romp in a sand trap surface. His diligence in keeping many affairs secret for so long while simultaneously being the most dominant athlete in the world is an achievement worthy of recognition.<\/p>\n
Best (Alleged) Mistress: Holly Sampson<\/strong><\/p>\n Needless to say, there\u2019s a lot of competition here. There\u2019s the prostitute who was engaged to someone else. The one a British tabloid called a \u201csex-addicted cougar.\u201d The one who has appeared in four films whose titles included the word \u201cMILF.\u201d The Playmate and prostitute. The former Miss Universe. Jessica Simpson. The one who appeared on VH1\u2019s \u201cTool Academy.\u201d Tiger\u2019s women come from all walks of life, from Vegas cocktail waitresses to prostitutes to nightclub managers to porn stars to\u2026O.K., maybe not all<\/em> walks of life, but a lot of them.<\/p>\n The best is Holly Sampson, an actress who appeared on \u201cThe Wonder Years\u201d with Stanford alum Fred Savage. Later, she\u2019d be in over 80 porn movies, including an upcoming one based on her night with Woods. A topless Sampson alleged an affair with Woods, adding \u201che has talent on field and he has talent in the bedroom.\u201d<\/p>\n Sampson, like many of Woods\u2019 women, was blond and blue-eyed, making some call him a self-hating Cablinasian. Those people underestimated Woods\u2019 Rain Man-like genius. With mistresses who looked vaguely like his wife, Woods was able to travel freely. If you saw him out at a restaurant with a blue-eyed blonde woman, you would just assume it was his wife. Do you really know what his wife looks like well enough to call him out on it? Nobody wants to pull an Austin Powers, insisting that \u201cit\u2019s a man, baby!\u201d<\/p>\n The Mark Sanford Award for Best Electronic Message:<\/strong> \u201cI will wear you out.<\/em><\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n Was this in an ad touting Woods\u2019 incredible work ethic that allowed him to outlast other golfers physically and mentally, or was it a text message he sent to cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs? Parents: when you name your daughter \u201cJaimee,\u201d this will happen.<\/p>\n Best<\/strong> Advertising Campaign: Accenture<\/strong><\/p>\n Accenture had a good run with Tiger Woods, including such slogans as \u201cThe road to high performance isn\u2019t always paved,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s what you do next that counts,\u201d and of course, \u201cStrategy 80%. Exit Strategy 80%.\u201d<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Best Career Move: Turn Evil<\/strong><\/p>\n Woods should stop trying to market himself as a suave good guy and embrace his role as a villainous playboy. In short, less Gillette, more Axe. Specifically, a brand of Axe guaranteed to get the stripper glitter out. Also, he should do Viagra ads that are basically reenactments of Jay-Z\u2019s \u201cBig Pimpin\u2019\u201d video.<\/p>\n Woods should leave his wife, start hanging out with Charlie Sheen and bring at least two scantily-clad women everywhere. He should refer to other golfers as \u201ccracka-ass crackas,\u201d grow cornrows and put out a rap CD. He would be a mature, responsible family man who ditched his wife to become a selfish, childish jerk with immature friends. It would be like watching a romantic comedy in reverse.<\/p>\n Best Rumors: All<\/strong><\/p>\n The car accident was a fraud to cover the damage Nordegren did to Woods\u2019 face. Woods is in Phoenix having facial reconstruction surgery. Nordegren fled to a private Swedish island. Woods paid women to say he was good in bed. Woods had \u201ccrazy Ambien sex.\u201d Nordegren will sign with Puma to spite Woods. Nordegren chased him down the driveway with a golf club, causing the crash. Woods was high when he crashed. Woods has a pill\/sex addiction.<\/p>\n Woods\u2019 marriage was a sham. Woods funded his mistress\u2019 liposuction. Woods used bribery and threats to keep his mistresses quiet. He watched \u201cDesperate Housewives\u201d with one mistress. Tiger Woods spiked a story about his affairs by agreeing to appear on the cover of Men\u2019s Health. Woods appeared standing behind Barack Obama as his caddy next to the headline \u201c10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger\u201d in the January 2010 issue of Golf Digest (O.K., that happened).<\/p>\n I can\u2019t say whether these rumors are true or false–the debate never ends. The most private and famous athlete went from nobody knowing anything about him and assuming he is boring to nobody knowing anything about him and assuming that he is an Ambien-fueled sex monster whose wife left him looking like Harvey Dent.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This break, we learned that unlike Santa Claus, Tiger Woods doesn\u2019t stop at three hos. None of Woods\u2019 16 or so alleged mistresses have been confirmed, but let\u2019s just assume for a second that all these mistresses are in fact telling the truth and Tiger had literally dozens of women waiting for him to bring […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1752,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-136403","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136403","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1752"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=136403"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136403\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=136403"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=136403"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=136403"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}