{"id":221653,"date":"2010-01-24T08:01:30","date_gmt":"2010-01-24T13:01:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/papundits.wordpress.com\/?p=30384"},"modified":"2010-01-24T08:01:30","modified_gmt":"2010-01-24T13:01:30","slug":"terminal-velocity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/221653","title":{"rendered":"Terminal Velocity"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Satire by\u00a0 Shawn Goodwin\"\"<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

After the September 11th terrorist attacks, the American transportation system activated a multitude of new security measures to ensure that similar attacks would never happen again. For the most part, these new implementations have been successful, since there has not been a successful airline attack in nine years. Of course, there have been morons like \u201cshoe bomber\u201d Richard Reid and \u201cFruit of the Loom bomber\u201d Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, both of whom tried to blow up airliners in flight.<\/p>\n

Reid was a passenger on American Airlines Flight 63 from Paris to Miami when he tried to ignite his shoe; a shoe that was chock full of explosives. For some reason, Austin Powers comes to mind: \u201cWho lights a shoe? Honestly!\u201d This yutz even had a fuse sticking out the rear of his footwear, yet no one in Paris thought it prudent to stop him and ask, \u201cPardon my French, but can you explain the stick of dynamite in your Timberlands?\u201d The only way Reid could have been less obvious is if he was carrying an open keg past the screener with gunpowder trailing from it! If you are one of those people who are uncomfortable showing their torn socks and bunions to some TSA lackey, you can thank Richard Reid.<\/p>\n

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was probably a Richard Reid fanboy during his teenage years. Abdulmu-what\u2019s-his-name was traveling on Northwest Airlines Flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit on Christmas Day when he attempted to detonate a bomb hidden in his pants. It was not the first case of noxious gases coming from an undergarment, but it was almost the most destructive. Well, it was the second-most destructive case, after the Roseanne Barr burrito incident of 1989, but that\u2019s neither here nor there. When Abdulmutallab was subdued, the authorities realized that there was a bomb in his pants \u2013 and he was not glad to see them.
\n<\/span>
\nThankfully, their attempts at shenanigans have been few and far between, but the incidents have put the Transportation Security Administration\u2019s collective Bermuda shorts in a bunch. They are tightening their grip on the nation\u2019s terminals, especially after last weekend\u2019s fiasco<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

A busy terminal at John F. Kennedy International Airport was evacuated after a man opened a restricted door and set off an alarm, authorities said, making it the second known security breach at a New York-area airport this month.<\/p>\n

The breach delayed dozens of flights and caused headaches for hundreds of travelers who had to exit the terminal and wait for hours as police swept through the building. The passengers at JFK were then shepherded through additional screening.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The smart money would have been placed on someone breaching that man\u2019s skull after causing such a long delay, since airport terminals are about as entertaining as a root canal. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. This most recent breach ramped up security at the nation\u2019s airports, and a new set of bells and whistles has been triggered. For example, starting this weekend all doors to restricted areas will be electrified to keep unauthorized personnel away. There is no provision to keep authorized personnel safe from the 50,000 volts as of yet, but the TSA claims they have top men working on it now. When questioned further about the identities of these officials, the TSA spokesperson repeated, \u201cTop. Men.\u201d<\/p>\n

Similar precautions are being undertaken at the airport lounges, although they are curious to say the least. Bartenders have been encouraged to practically force feed alcohol to their customers. The theory is that if the passengers are too drunk to stand, they would also be too drunk to hijack an airliner. Some establishments are distributing alcohol in \u201cdoggie bags,\u201d unaware that certain liquors \u2013 brandy comes to mind \u2013 are highly flammable. Perhaps the Black Box Bar should hire some \u201ctop men\u201d as well.<\/p>\n

In many cases, it is not just the passengers who are being thoroughly screened, but also the baggage. The TSA is not only putting baggage through x-ray machines now, but also implementing a three-step plan for loading approval. First, the baggage is opened and every item inside is removed and examined; lingerie and underwear especially, although that is not written anywhere on the interdepartmental memo. Second, lasers are used to inspect the luggage for contraband and leakage issues. Finally, the bags are repacked and submitted to the ultimate test. They are placed into a cage with the gorilla from the American Tourister commercial<\/a>, and stomped into dust. Sure, it will damage some of the passengers\u2019 valuables, but security is the real priority here.<\/p>\n

Now, while these new tactics may be seen as extreme by normal standards, the alternative is watching another knucklehead do the Macarena past a security checkpoint, sounding an alarm, and shutting down a busy terminal for 53 days. No one wants to eat Sbarro pizza once, let alone once every day for two months!<\/p>\n

FamilySecurityMatters.org<\/a>\u2019s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin<\/a>, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.<\/em><\/p>\n

Read more excellent articles from Family Security Matters<\/a><\/p>\n

Posted in 111th Congress, America (USA), Blundering Bureaucrats, Fanatics, Humor, Liberals, Lily-Livered Liberals, Limp-Wrist Liberals, Politics, Satire Tagged: Airline Security, Airport Security, Department of Homeland Security (DHS), FSM (Shawn Goodwin), Political Humor, Political Satire, Tony \"\"<\/a> \"\"<\/a> \"\"<\/a> \"\"<\/a> \"\"<\/a> \"\"<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Satire by\u00a0 Shawn Goodwin After the September 11th terrorist attacks, the American transportation system activated a multitude of new security measures to ensure that similar attacks would never happen again. For the most part, these new implementations have been successful, since there has not been a successful airline attack in nine years. Of course, there […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4200,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-221653","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/221653","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4200"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=221653"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/221653\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=221653"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=221653"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=221653"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}