{"id":242514,"date":"2010-01-28T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-01-28T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rhrealitycheck.org\/blog\/2010\/01\/27\/get-real-did-i-break-my-hymen-masturbation"},"modified":"2010-01-28T15:18:44","modified_gmt":"2010-01-28T20:18:44","slug":"get-real-did-i-break-my-hymen-with-masturbation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/242514","title":{"rendered":"Get Real! Did I Break My Hymen with Masturbation?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

\n\tThis article is published in partnership with Scarleteen.org. <\/a><\/em>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\nprince_12 asks:<\/strong>\n<\/p>\n

\n

\n\tI hope you would be able to answer my message as soon as possible.
\n\tIt is very urgent. I have passed through the site and decided of asking you
\n\tsome questions maybe you could help me. I am an Indian girl. My age is 26 and I
\n\tnever had ever sexual intercourse because it is against our traditions here. A
\n\tgirl is not allowed until she is married. I never ever masturbated using
\n\tmachines or finger. I never ever touched my area down before. I even never knew
\n\tanything about girls and guys masturbation. Here we are not taught about sex
\n\tissues. <\/em>\n\t<\/p>\n

\n\tI entered accidentally one of the sex sites and most probably out of
\n\tcuriousity about a new thing, depression, and much free time. I started
\n\tchatting dirty(no voice) with these guys and I watched some. I never did this
\n\tbefore in my whole life really. I noticed that i gave water from under when I
\n\tchatted dirty or watched a guy and I become very jelly like down there. I
\n\treally never knew this is masturbation i am really ignorant about that. I did
\n\tthis only about two months but I chatted and masturbated several times in a
\n\tday.<\/em>\n\t<\/p>\n

\n\tReally I
\n\tam very ignorant that this is how the girl masturbate. I chatted with several
\n\tguys two days ago, and now i am very worried about my body. Until this moment,
\n\tI still feel jelly like and watery from down inside for no reason. I am not
\n\tchatting for two days and I still feel very jelly and watery from down. I also
\n\tfeel very hot from down. Also, I am entering bathroom many times in one day. I
\n\tgot very worried and afraid about my body. Why the water did not stop? Why do I
\n\tstill feel jelly like down? Why entering bathroom many times? Am I suffering an
\n\tinfection or something? I am very afraid about that. Also, Another important
\n\tquestion came to my mind: May a girl break her hymen only from chatting dirty
\n\tmany times in a day for a month or two month. Really I never did this my whole
\n\tlife and I am very frustrated and afraid. I don’t want what I did out of
\n\tignorance, curiousity, and depression and only for a two month period affect my
\n\thealth negatively or break my hymen. Please tell me I did not break my hymen.
\n\tAnd please tell me whether i should visit a doctor to see why i still give
\n\twater from down or not? Is it a big problem? I am very afraid really and
\n\tfrustrated and not sleeping. I hope you answer my questions quickly it is very urgent.
\n\tThank you a lot in advance.<\/em>\n\t<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\nHeather Corinna replies:<\/strong>\n<\/p>\n

\nBefore I
\ntalk about anything else, I want to address a couple things right off the bat
\nin the hopes that you will feel some quick emotional relief, and can let go of
\nsome of the fear and panic you’ve been living with.\n<\/p>\n

\nWhat you
\nexperienced — that "water" or "jelly" — when you were
\nchatting was most likely vaginal lubrication. When female-bodied people get
\nsexually excited, when we get turned on, usually the vagina will start to
\nself-lubricate, becoming more wet than usual. For those who get excited and
\nchoose to masturbate or have genital sex with a partner, that lubrication is
\npart of what makes any kind of sex feel good. And because our vaginas clean and
\nadjust themselves over cycles of several days at a time, it’s possible to get
\nvery lubricated one day, and a couple days later still find the consistency of
\nyour vaginal discharges is a little bit different. Changes in lubrication like
\nthat are not causes of vaginal infection.\n<\/p>\n

\nI have
\nyet to hear anyone define the loss of virginity as a woman getting excited,
\nlooking at or touching her own anatomy or talking about sex with others. I also
\nhave not generally heard anyone say that someone who masturbates is not a
\nvirgin, even in very traditional cultures or communities.\n<\/p>\n

\nIn cultures,
\ncommunities or individual ethics where virginity is a big deal, what people
\nusually mean when they talk about who is and who is not a virgin is who has or
\nhas not had a sexual partner. Usually when people say someone is a virgin, they
\nmean they have not had any sexual partnerships. In some cases, they may allow
\nfor someone having had sexual partnerships, but not penis-in-vagina
\nintercourse. In other words, a great deal of the time, people who espouse or
\nsubscribe to virginity as an idea define a virgin as someone who has not had
\npenis-in-vagina sexual intercourse primarily, or more broadly, as someone who
\nhas not done any kind of genital sexual activity with a partner.\n<\/p>\n

\nVirginity
\nisn’t a medical condition: in other words, it has nothing to do with body parts
\nor how yours may look or be. In medical reference books, we won’t find a
\ndefinition of virginity like we’ll find for dermatitis or a given nerve or
\nmuscle, because virginity is neither a medical condition nor is it anatomical
\n(a body part).\n<\/p>\n

\nThose who
\nthink virginity is about the hymen, or that the hymen can show us who has and
\nhas not been sexual need to understand that that is simply not an accurate
\nmeasure of who has or has not had sex, and the idea that it is is very
\noutdated, and based on ignorance of women’s bodies. The hymen — now called the
\ncorona — is folds of thin, flexible membrane just inside the vaginal opening
\nmost female-bodied people have at birth. It gradually wears away over time
\nthrough puberty and adulthood (through our normal vaginal discharges,
\nmenstruation, because of hormones, physical activity and yes, also with vaginal
\nsexual activities), with or without any kind of sex. For sure, vaginal sex can
\nspeed up that process, but most people who have had vaginal sex once or twice
\nwill often still have at least some of their hymen. There are even women who
\nhave given birth with parts of their hymen still remaining before a delivery
\n(birth), and still remaining after<\/em> delivery. Even when a woman’s hymen
\nis mostly worn away, small bits of it always remain.\n<\/p>\n

\nMost
\nfemale-bodied people who have started menstruating and been through some of the
\nprocess of puberty will not have fully intact hymens anymore, even if they have
\nnot had any kind of sex OR masturbated. If the corona was not at least somewhat
\nworn away — if small openings in it had not started to form — then a young
\nwoman would not have any menstrual flow, because it would be trapped behind
\nthat membrane. That can happen, but it’s rare, and when a hymen is that
\nresilient, it often will not wear away with intercourse, either. Women with
\nvery resilient coronas need to have a minor surgery in order to engage in
\nintercourse.\n<\/p>\n

\nThe hymen
\nalso actually doesn’t usually "break" at all, nor do most women bleed
\nwith first-time intercourse<\/a> from a "broken" hymen. In
\nother words, it is not usually all there, then through one action is all open,
\nunless someone gets a severe genital injury or someone is forcibly raped, or
\nhas a partner for intercourse who is exceptionally rough with them. Even in
\nthose cases it won’t often "break" though parts of it may get torn in
\nways it would not otherwise. Instead, it gradually wears away, like water wears
\naway the surface of a rock over time. But I can absolutely assure you that
\ngetting excited and chatting did not have any impact on your hymen.\n<\/p>\n

\nOf
\ncourse, the tricky part when it comes to a realistic conception of the vagina
\nis convincing other people, particularly in cultures or communities where that
\nidea is still pervasive and part of traditions (for instance, they may do
\nKukari ki Rasam in your area), and where the truth about female bodies is kept
\nsecret or rarely discussed. However, even in cultures where this idea can still
\nbe widespread, there are people questioning and opposing it and other dubious,
\nsexist or harmful ideas about or approaches to virginity. For instance, in
\nIndia, your National Commission for Women very recently questioned<\/a> an action that
\nwas based in virginity beliefs and ideals. And international human rights
\norganizations like Amnesty International — made of people of all cultures —
\nhave also spoken out in the past
\nabout virginity "tests" performed in some areas<\/a>,
\nparticularly when performed publicly and\/or by force.\n<\/p>\n

\nVirginity,
\nas we explain<\/a>
\nhere often at Scarleteen<\/a>,
\nis an idea<\/a>, and
\nlike many ideas, it tends to differ among people.\n<\/p>\n

\nI don’t
\nknow how you define virginity, nor can I know how anyone you marry or how your
\nfamily or community may define it. I’m afraid I can’t tell you how I<\/em>
\ndefine it, because personally, I don’t. The idea of virginity is not one I
\nmyself ascribe to or espouse because, in short, a) it often considers rape to
\nbe sex, stating rape survivors are not virgins b) it doesn’t take people who
\nare not heterosexual or who have sex lives without intercourse, even after
\nmarriage, into account and c) it’s something that puts a character value or
\njudgment on a person, usually only a female one, based on their sexual history
\nalone, which I am not comfortable with and do not feel is respectful of people
\nin my view.\n<\/p>\n

\nBut I
\ndon’t hear people defining masturbation as being about chatting — in person or
\nonline — or looking at something sexual, nor stating those things have
\nanything to do with virginity. While those things can be part<\/em> of what
\nsomeone looks at or takes part in when they masturbate, masturbation is defined
\nas touching one’s own body in some way for sexual gratification. In other
\nwords, if you were not touching yourself during all of this, you were not
\nmasturbating. If you were touching yourself seeking sexual gratification — in
\nother words, you touched your own body in any number of ways because you felt
\nthe sexual desire to, and it felt sexually good to you to do that — then that
\nwas masturbation. Here’s one link<\/a><\/strong>
\nthat talks about ways that women masturbate if you want more information on
\nthat to get a better idea of what that often involves. But just getting wet
\nfrom sexual excitement, just talking or looking at pornography or some kind of
\nsexual video, those are both things which, by themselves, most people do not
\ndefine as masturbation.\n<\/p>\n

\nI don’t
\nknow why you’re going to the bathroom several times a day, but it is unlikely
\nto be related to any of this. But if you feel you are urinating more often than
\nis usual for you over several days or longer, and if urinating feels in any way
\npainful, or if your vaginal discharges have radically changed lately (in color,
\nin how much of them there is, or in scent), you certainly might consider a
\nvisit with your doctor. Women sometimes develop genital infections without
\nhaving had any kind of sex at all, or without getting sexually excited.
\nInfections like yeast infections or bacterial infections can happen just due to
\nvaginal imbalances due to the way we have eaten, a soap we washed with,
\ndouching, or changes in the weather or our hormonal or insulin levels. In the
\ncase you do have an infection like one of those, I can assure you it had
\nnothing to do with the experiences you’re so worried about and feeling ashamed
\nof, so you also shouldn’t feel you need to tell a doctor about them if you
\ndon’t want to.\n<\/p>\n

\nI can’t
\ntell you what is or isn’t okay sexually when it comes to your culture, both
\nbecause any one culture often has several different ideas or standards, and
\nalso because the kind of culture you’re in is so different than my own.
\nWhatever I know about your culture is not the same as being part of it, so I
\nhave not had your same experiences, nor have I, as a Western woman far outside
\nthat culture, felt the same fears and pressures you do. I also can’t tell you
\nhow much or how little to choose to stick with your cultural standards: that’s
\nalways going to be a choice each of us has to make for ourselves, and we’re the
\nonly ones who can know what the right choices are for us. But it is a choice.
\nThere are a lot of things here in the Western world that are pervasive I don’t
\ncotton with or sign on to, and while I certainly have more freedoms than a
\nwoman in a culture that’s more restrictive to women, you likely do still have
\nat least some options yourself.\n<\/p>\n

\nBut what
\nI can say, and I say with respect for all cultures, is that I think it makes a
\nlot of sense to identify and question double-standards, like the idea that it’s
\nokay in a given culture for males to think about sex or masturbate before
\nmarriage (or during or without), but not for women. I also think that however
\nour cultures differ, you and I can probably agree that there’s nothing positive
\nor of real benefit to you or anyone else in your feeling fearful and ashamed
\nabout your body or your sexual feelings and curiosities. It’s normal for people
\nof all cultures and genders to be curious about sex, and it’s normal for people
\nto have sexual desires and the desire to explore sexual curiosity in many
\ndifferent ways. I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of.\n<\/p>\n

\nYou’ll
\nwant to figure out for yourself what you feel good about and don’t so you can
\ndecide what you’re comfortable doing from here on out. Did you were doing with
\nthe chats and watching videos leave you feeling good enough during those times
\nand afterwards that you want to keep doing that? Or, did how you felt during
\nand\/or after leave you feeling a way you don’t like? How do you<\/em> feel
\nabout whatever cultural traditions and ideas you want to be part of work or
\ndon’t with what you’ve been doing? When you think about all of that, you can
\nfigure out if this is something you still want to do or not. My view may well
\ndiffer from yours or from that of some in your culture, but in my opinion, if
\nyou feel good about a sexual chat or about masturbating, and those are things
\nyou want to do, there isn’t anything wrong with doing those things, nor do they
\nhave anything to do with a marital relationship you are not yet in or with your
\ncharacter or how "pure" a person you are or are not.\n<\/p>\n

\nI also
\nthink we can probably agree that if any of us are being held to certain
\nstandards by others, the very least we deserve is to be informed of what,
\nexactly, those standards are. So, if you want to stick to your community
\nstandards about virginity until marriage, but aren’t clear what that all means,
\nwhat I’d suggest is finding someone who you trust and feel is knowledgeable in
\nyour community and ask them to explain to you what they think it means, and
\nwhat the standards you are being held to, or are asked to abide by, are. I know
\nthat it can be scary to ask those kinds of questions, and not everyone is open
\nto answering them or will answer them without judgment, but I bet you can think
\nof someone — an aunt, maybe, an older sister or a nurse — who is a good and
\nsafe person for you to ask, who will answer you without shaming you.\n<\/p>\n

\nI’m going
\nto leave you with a few more links that relate to the things you have asked
\nhere, and I hope they and my answer here will leave you feeling comforted, able
\nto get some rest and able to be kind to yourself.\n<\/p>\n