{"id":521580,"date":"2010-04-09T06:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-04-09T10:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"tag:redtape.msnbc.com:\/\/ad383c6b312454d52bf0ca8d5fc07763"},"modified":"2010-04-09T06:00:00","modified_gmt":"2010-04-09T10:00:00","slug":"study-one-third-snoop-on-lovers-texts-e-mail","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/521580","title":{"rendered":"Study: One-third snoop on lovers’ texts, e-mail"},"content":{"rendered":"

His cell phone sits on the night table while he showers. Her e-mail is left accidentally on the computer screen while she uses the bathroom. To look or not to look? <\/span><\/p>\n

It's perhaps the strongest new temptation of the 21st century — the casual glance at a lover's cell phone text messages or e-mail.  <\/span>This level of snooping once required rather deliberate spy-like behavior, such as rustling through a bedroom   <\/span>drawer to find stashes of old-fashioned letters. Now it can happen as quickly as an instant glance.  <\/span>And, according to one new study, it's happening a lot. <\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

But is such amateur sleuthing a normal part of life in the digital world, or does it mean couples need professional help?<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

A study commissioned by online gadget review site Retrevo.com found that 38 percent of people under age 25 had stolen a glance at their lover's texts or e-mails – without that person\u2019s permission or awareness. Among married adults of any age, the rate was 36 percent.<\/span><\/p>\n

"We were surprised to see how large the percentage was," said Manish Rathi, co-founder of Retrevo.<\/span><\/p>\n

California-based couples counselor Jay Slupesky was not.<\/span><\/p>\n

"It happens all the time," he said. "That has brought people into counseling on many occasions."<\/span><\/p>\n

Spousal spying can be illegal<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

There are numerous examples of extreme spousal spying.  <\/span>Entire Web sites are devoted to buying hidden cameras, special cell phone snooping software, cracking e-mail passwords- and all manner of cyberspying. The newest trick, says Slupesky, is for one partner to secretly enable the GPS location software on a cell phone that's designed to help parents keep track of children. Then, a jealous spouse can virtually follow their lover\u2019s every move.<\/span><\/p>\n

"Snooping on spouses has been taken to the next level.  <\/span>The next lower level, that is," he wrote in a recent blog entry<\/a>. \u201cThis \u2026 is downright creepy."<\/span><\/p>\n

In some cases, spousal spying is illegal.  <\/span>In 2005, the Department of Justice indicted the owners of a firm named LoverSpy, which sold electronic greeting cards laced with Trojan horse software designed to track a lover's Internet activity.  <\/span>Authorities also charged four LoverSpy customers with illegal wiretapping.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Small<\/a> While most reasonable adults would agree that going to such lengths to spy on a lover is inappropriate, the issue is not nearly so clear when considering casual glances at cell phones or e-mail inboxes.  <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

Healthy relationship boundaries are constantly under assault from 21st century hyper-connectivity. <\/span><\/p>\n

"In the past if you looked around after your lover you'd get caught. You had to look at their phone bill or rummage through someone's drawers," said Rathi.  <\/span>The spying required at least some measure of premeditation.  <\/span>Today, spying can be completely impulsive. "Now, it's always available, and people don't necessarily see it as spying. It\u2019s just so easy to do it. The phone is sitting right there."<\/span><\/p>\n

Adding fuel to the fire is the rapid growth of smartphones, which put personal e-mail and texts in one handy, easily accessible gadget.  <\/span>According to The Nielsen Company, only 10 percent of U.S. adults had a smartphone during the second quarter of 2008.  <\/span>By the end of last year, that number had risen to 21 percent, and by 2011, Nielsen expects half of America to be using smartphones<\/a>. That's a lot of opportunity for casual spying.<\/span><\/p>\n

Online relationship forums are jammed with debate about the ethics and mental health impact of such snooping.  <\/span>In numerous places, lovers say they discovered infidelity by snooping and swear by the tactic.  <\/span>But nearly as often, the spying ends poorly.  <\/span>In one anonymous thread,<\/a> a woman admits reading her boyfriend\u2019s  <\/span>text messages and says she regrets it because \u201cI found nothing to help me nor did I find anything to make me worry about our relationship.\u201d  <\/span>She later admitted the snooping to her boyfriend, who felt violated. <\/span><\/p>\n

\"Herbbox\"\u201cOne of the things you will learn in life, as a girlfriend, or a parent,\u201d responds one advice giver, \u201cis NEVER to admit when you spy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

But Slupesky, the therapist, says it's never a good idea to cross that line.<\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

"I am always opposed to spying. If you are in a loving relationship, you just don't spy on your partner," he says. If there is suspicion of infidelity, the relationship needs therapy, not snooping-. "There are better ways to address your concerns."<\/span><\/p>\n

He did offer a broader perspective on cell phone spying, however.<\/span><\/p>\n

"I think some people are feeling distance from their spouse for whatever reason, and they think if they see who their spouse is e-mailing they will feel more connected.  <\/span>That happens a lot," he said. "They are looking for a way to restore the connection…it's a way of asking, \u2018Are you still close to me? Am I still the most important person in your life? Do you still love me?\u2019 "  <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

Of course, there are healthier ways to deal with those profound questions. In therapy, Slupesky always tries to get lovers to stop the spying behavior.<\/span><\/p>\n

"One thing I do when someone tells me they are doing that is I ask, 'Did you feel better after you looked at his phone?' They usually say, 'No.' And then I ask, 'If it doesn't make you feel better, why do you keep doing it?\u2019 "  <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

But often, he said, the compulsion is too strong, and the access too easy, for his patients to stop.<\/span><\/p>\n

While the Retrevo survey found that men and women utilize casual spying equally, Slupesky said two-thirds  <\/span>of his spying patients are women.<\/span><\/p>\n

"Women are more likely to notice something is missing in the emotional connection, and men cheat more," he said.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rathi said one way to help solve the problem of casual spying is to take away the opportunity.  <\/span>Smartphone users should password-protect their gadgets to avoid creating an irresistible temptation for their lovers, he said. Logging out of Web sites and e-mail accounts is also a sound, safe computing practice.<\/span><\/p>\n

Retrevo plans to study the spying issue annually to identify any shifts in social standards on spying.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe amount of time people spend using these gadgets is increasing, and the amount of data they are consuming through these devices is continuing to increase.  <\/span>So I think we will see more (spying) as time goes by,\u201d he said.  <\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n

 Become a <\/span><\/strong>Red Tape Chronicles Facebook fan<\/span><\/strong><\/a> or follow me at <\/strong>http:\/\/twitter.com\/RedTapeChron<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/font><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/font><\/span><\/span><\/font><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

His cell phone sits on the night table while he showers. Her e-mail is left accidentally on the computer screen while she uses the bathroom. To look or not to look? It's perhaps the strongest new temptation of the 21st century — the casual glance at a lover's cell phone text messages or e-mail.  This […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5524,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-521580","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/521580","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5524"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=521580"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/521580\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=521580"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=521580"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mereja.media\/index\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=521580"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}