The Thrill Of Victory And The Agony Of Dmitry

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Greetings! My name is Dmitry Medvedev, and I am the president of the Russian Federation. Recently, the elite athletes of my country competed in the Vancouver Olympic Games and their performances were – how you say? – less than exemplary. In fact, many of these men and women looked as about as athletic as Wilfred Brimley. The once mighty Russian hockey team did not make it to the medal round, and our previously dominant ice skating squad left Vancouver with more gold in their teeth than around their necks. This is unacceptable, and I hold the members of my country’s Olympic committee solely responsible. As a result, the men and women of the committee have been brought to my dacha and have been punished for their crimes. Er, figuratively, or course.

The survivors were released with a new appreciation of the phrase, “No pain, no gain.” They have also been offered a pretty good deal: either accept early retirement or receive a free vacation in beautiful Siberia. Sadly, the Western media completely misread my attempt at constructive criticism and posted these lies instead:

President Dmitry Medvedev ordered Olympic officials to quit or be fired on Monday and demanded drastic changes to training procedures after a poor showing at the Winter Games dented national pride. Once mighty Russia limped in 11th in the medals table with just three golds, its worst ever tally. The result was especially embarrassing because Russia is due to host the next Winter Olympics in 2014 at the Black Sea resort of Sochi.

“Those responsible should take the brave decision and sign a letter (of resignation),” Medvedev said in televised comments. “If they can’t we will help them.”

Now, some capitalist pundits are misinterpreting my comments as threats. Nothing can be further from the truth. We are merely offering to help a few guilty bureaucrats sign their letters, because it is difficult to do so with broken arms and legs. You see, a few of them “fell” during their stay at my dacha – the inevitable spoils of hardwood flooring. Damn you, Mop & Glo!

The Western writers did get one item correct during their propaganda piece, however. The failures of our Olympians cast a pall over our sense of national pride. February has been a very dreary month in Moscow, a place that is usually nothing but sunshine and lollipops. The malaise has been so severe that Prime Minister Putin only takes his shirt off in public every other day. Vladimir is the eternal optimist, though, as you can see from his statement:

“Of course we expected more from our team,” Putin said, while the games were nearing their close on Friday. “But that’s not cause to throw up our hands, wear a sackcloth and ashes or beat ourselves with chains.”

Oh Vlad, you are such a madcap. We would never wear sackcloths and beat each other with chains. That is what the Georgians are for! We have a plan in the works that will spell doom for the Yankee dogs. Starting on May 1st, we will be resurrecting the Soviet Union in order to regain our dominance in the Olympic Games. You heard correctly. The hammer and sickle shall rise again, and we will be ready for our competitors in the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympic Games. How will this come to pass, you ask? It is simple, really, as we are constructing a three-step plan.

Step 1: A Return to the Old Country. Like Joan Rivers, Mother Russia yearns to relive the glory days of the early 1900s. Step 1 helps to achieve that goal by restoring our icons of old. The May Day Parade will proceed through Red Square, we will reacquire our satellite countries, and Zombie Lenin will be resuscitated and released upon the masses. Once the Iron Curtain is raised, we will treat our athletes like pieces of meat. The Red Army will put our hockey players through boot camp, captured Romanian nationals will train our gymnasts 12 hours a day, and East German women with unibrows will develop our figure skaters. We will dominate the world in Sochi, or we will choke the rivers with their dead! What? Too far?

Step 2: Voodoo Economics. Since the best teams that money can buy cost, um, money, we will gladly take from the masses to give to the few. Besides, the American president said that “when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.” The Motherland will do the same thing, except when we say “everybody,” we actually mean only athletes, politicians, and chubby female interns of Polish descent. Sure, the proletariat will have to wear potato sacks and eat horse fat for a while, but a renewed sense of national pride keeps every family warm and every belly full.

Step 3: Cheat To Win. In the unlikely event that Steps 1 and 2 fail, Step 3 is our ace in the hole. Since our country will be hosting the 2014 Winter Games, former members of the KGB will be assigned to oversee certain events – events that have proven troublesome for us of late. For example, our women’s curling team finished ninth out of ten teams, beating only the Americans. Inconceivable! At Sochi, Comrade Svitov has been instructed to arm our opponents’ curling stones with a small explosive charge. When a capitalist team tries to knock our stone out of the circle, the charge will detonate, knocking the stone away from ours. We estimate that this will guarantee a gold medal, but will probably lose a game to Japan on purpose just to keep up appearances.

Similarly, Comrade Kubina has been instructed to transport nuclear rods from Chernobyl and place them under the locker room floor of Team Canada. Destroy our team in the quarterfinals, will you? Try relying on Sidney Crosby when he is slowed by radiation poisoning! I sincerely doubt he will be scoring goals when he is worrying about his third arm!

Finally, Comrade Davydov will be making some after hours “adjustments” to the figure skating rink. We will be ready for Lysacek and Johnny Weir this time. Now, while I cannot divulge the Davydov’s instructions, I can give you two words: trap doors.

While these steps may seem drastic to the pink doily, underpantsy, liberal crowd, they are the norm for the people of Russia. Life here is hard, but our citizens are tenacious. We have suffered before; under the boot of Napoleon and under the fist of Nazi Germany. And while Western athletes are nothing like the evils this country has faced, how can we in good conscience lose a hockey game to Slovakia and a gold medal to Evan Lysacek?

I mean, really, the American doesn’t do a quad. How can he win a gold medal without doing a quad?!!!

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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