Weekend At Bennie’s

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced a plan to build settlements in East Jerusalem this week, setting off a firestorm of criticism and scorn from Israel’s enemies. Interestingly, the most severe criticism came from the United States and members of the Obama administration. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “sharply criticized” the decision to build new settlements in the area, and Vice-President Slow Joe Biden “condemned” the Israeli plan.

For those of you keeping score at home, members of the Obama administration refused to condemn Iran when it violently put down opposition after the recent elections. They refused to condemn last year’s Honduran coup and they refused to condemn Abba’s induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Really? Abba? They refuse to condemn any one of these despicable actions, but they will condemn the Israeli’s decision to build homes on its own soil?

Citizens of both countries were taken aback by the administration’s criticism. Israel is a strong American ally and a beacon of freedom in a highly oppressive area. If Biden and Clinton’s language was intended to scare Netanyahu straight, they failed faster than a Matt Damon film: …

A defiant Mr. Netanyahu appeared to be digging in despite clear indications that the Obama administration is now demanding the scrapping of plans for 1,600 new Jewish homes, whose announcement overshadowed last week’s visit to Israel by the US Vice-President Joe Biden. Mr. Netanyahu’s stance appeared to guarantee, after a highly charged week, the protraction of a stand-off in which a full-scale diplomatic row blew up at the start of Mr. Biden’s visit and appeared to abate at the end of it. But it was then reignited by demands from Hillary Clinton and an angry White House that Israel make amends for the “insulting” announcement just as indirect negotiations with the Palestinians had finally been arranged.

Insulting? No, having to sit on your hands and watch the peaceful, law-abiding, unicorn-loving Palestinians fire rockets into your neighborhood is insulting. Having to listen to a screeching Hillary Clinton lecture your country on restraint is insulting. Having to be verbally dressed down by Joe Biden, a man who believes the Washington Monument is named after Denzel is insulting.

Sadly, the insults continued:

The US is now said to be demanding substantive concessions from Israel after a warning by the Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas that he would not take part in talks if the plan to expand the mainly ultra-orthodox Ramat Shlomo settlement went ahead. The row has appeared finally to bring to a head the year-long tensions between the two governments since Barack Obama tried in vain to persuade the Israeli Prime Minister to agree to a total settlement freeze. He was thwarted by Mr. Netanyahu who agreed only to a partial 10-month freeze, which did not include East Jerusalem.

By all means, have the administration demand concessions from Israel now. That would be akin to something like this: American Idol judge Simon Cowell berates a female contestant to the point of tears. The girl runs out of the room, only to be brought back for more verbal abuse. After running out again, a producer tracks her down and tells her that Cowell strained his vocal chords while shouting, and the girl owes him $50 for the medical bill! The Palestinians have violated every cease fire, peace accord, and gentleman’s agreement thus far, but the Obama administration believes that they are the victims. Strangely enough, they also think that the Earth-annihilating aliens from Independence Day – a film Dennis Kucinich believes is based on actual events – were simply “misunderstood.” They were not, and neither are the Palestinians. Like the Iranian government, their ultimate goal is to see Israel wiped off the map.

Prime Minister Netanyahu’s duty is to see that this never happens. He needs to prepare his country for every contingency, so if the unthinkable occurs, they will be ready. Security checkpoints must be fortified, strategic battle plans must be drawn, and emergency shelters should be stocked with fresh water, food rations, and Zach Braff films If worse comes to worse, the country is ready to draft Sports Illustrated swimsuit supermodel Bar Refaeli into IDF service, although one has to wonder how she will carry a machine gun and extra ammo magazines while wearing a thong. Either way, Israel will survive. They always do. They are a resilient people with tremendous national pride. If the time comes, they will be ready to fight.

During his presidential campaign, Barack Obama said that his administration would strengthen existing partnerships and improve America’s standing in the world. In the past 14 months, the administration has done little in that vein, especially when it comes to Israel. Waning support, blatant snubs, and harsh criticism has been the norm rather the exception from this administration, and people are starting to notice.

Israel deserves better.

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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