Zombie Magazine has created a very helpful cheat sheet to help let you know what is actually going on in that head of hers when she says things like “Fine” and “Where is this relationship going?”. Be confused no longer, men. Original Story here, but also reprinted below. Enjoy.
She says: “Nothing’s wrong.”
She ACTUALLY means: “Something is wrong.”
She says: “Fine.”
She ACTUALLY means: “Time for a bit of passive-aggression.”
She says: “Not tonight, Sweetheart, I have a headache.”
She ACTUALLY means: “The doctor called with the tests results. It’s a brain tumor.”
She says: “I’m sleeping with Steve.”
She ACTUALLY means: “I’m sleeping with everyone but Steve.”
She says: “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes!”
She ACTUALLY means: “I won’t even be close to ready in 5 minutes and I’ll say the same thing at least 3 more times. Besides I have still have 4 dresses to choose from and 3 scarves and my makeup looks a little off and I can’t believe he won’t come in here and validate my wardrobe even though I haven’t even hinted that I want this from him and he thinks I haven’t noticed that he’s getting fat, but I have and even though I say I love him no matter what, I don’t and I can’t wait much longer to start a family so we better start soon and I will not have my children raised by a fatty and these heels make my feet hurt but I’m having a steak tonight anyway and he better have remembered to tivo “Lost”, but I won’t say anything until we get home and yell at him if he forgot and I can’t remember where I left my phone and I can’t believe I let him do that to me and I knew he’d ask again even though he promised he just wanted to try it once.”
She says: “My boss is being so mean to me today.”
She ACTUALLY means: “It’s hard to sleep your way to the top when no one wants to bang you.”
She says: “I’m keeping the baby.”
She ACTUALLY means: “I’m going to have an abortion but tell you your drinking caused a miscarriage.”
She says: “I heard a noise!”
She ACTUALLY means: “Hopefully whoever just broke in will rape you first. I’ve always wanted to see that.”
She says: “We need to talk.”
She ACTUALLY means: “Now I am sleeping with Steve.”
She says: “Where is this relationship going?”
She ACTUALLY means: “Have you thought about the material I sent you on penile enlargement surgery?”
She says: “Do I look fat in this?”
She ACTUALLY means: “Your back hair makes me sick.”
She says: “Take me out to a fancy meal and some dancing!”
She ACTUALLY means: “I’ve already spoken to a divorce lawyer.”
She says: “How do you feel about children?”
She ACTUALLY means: “Steve and I are expecting twins.”
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