Prime Time! NFL Draft Starts Slightly Later!
This was the big selling point of this year’s draft. The first round will be in PRIMETIME. I’d rather they promise they make it less boring than watching paint dry, but I guess baby steps will get us there. No scheduling moves will change the fact that the first round is thirty-two moments of minimal interest punctuated by fifteen-minute intervals of weird-looking men yelling, but the stage is set tonight at Radio City Music Hall for the 2010 NFL Draft.
Due to boredom, I figured I would straddle the line between football fan and recreational TV critic by jotting down some thoughts during the next three-and-a-half hours. I care more about college ball than pro, but this seems like a pretty happy marriage of the two. Let’s go.
2:38 ESPN is the proud owner of the world’s largest iPad for the draft analysis. Wildly unnecessary, but the Minority Report-style movements and screens are pretty cool. I’m going to give them this one. Certainly less garish than the Will.I.Am hologram CNN used during the last presidential election.
2:42 They seem to be really celebrating the host city, New York, in the pregame show. Naturally, that means Jay-Z and Alicia Keys are now bouncing around my skull like a spastic pinball.
2:44 TebowTebowTebowTebowTebowTebowTebow. Ugh. I’m not sure when a character ever garnered this much disproportionate attention. I say “character” because he’s only expected to go late-2nd, 3rd round, but has generated more discussion than any prospect I have ever witnessed in my zero years of covering the NFL Draft. His character supersedes his athleticism.
2:47 Free association exercise: Tim Tebow – heart, character, leadership, integrity, unique, locker room. The studio hosts are doing the roundtable on Tim Tebow. Really divisive – opinions range from “can’t make it in the NFL” to “good locker room guy” to “will do whatever it takes to be a champion”. Actually a fairly intriguing plot line.
2:52 On the opposite end of the spectrum is Dez Bryant, who has all the talent in the world, but is by no means a sure thing due to his prima dona behavior that we see so often from standout receivers. See also, Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens, Plaxico Buress, Chad Johnson (I can’t bring myself to do it, I’m sorry). He is being interviewed now, and I can comfortably declare him the anti-Tebow. That said, the legacy of Randy Moss demonstrates the danger of putting too much stock in a college player’s past. Then again, Ryan Leaf demonstrates the danger of not putting enough stock in a player’s past. Tricky business, this draft.
2:55 I hope there is a moment in my life that is as exciting as the draft probably is for these prospects. I’ve never had a camera crew film me watching TV. As far as I know.
3:08 Sam Bradford seems like a pretty good dude. . I hate Oklahoma, so typing that last sentence made my hands cramp a little bit. He looks like he fake tans, but I don’t FEEL like he does. Jimmy Clausen had a better year and has the potential to be more spectacular, but Jimmy Clausen seems to be a little more….Roethlisburger-esque.
3:13 “Empire State of Mind” one more time? OK!
3:28 Mel Kiper just flew off the handle. Screamed at some other ESPN reporter, brutalizing his picks, then ended with “I respect your opinion”. You sure about that, Mel? Mel looks like the type of guy who would go ballistic at his kids if they didn’t finish their vegetables or if they didn’t look at him when they told him about their day. Not a guy I would want at a dinner party, but definitely a guy I want if I have to watch 4.5 hours of a studio show. The next time ESPN cuts to him, I hope he’s sharpening a knife and whistling “When Johnny Comes Marching Home”.
3:38 When did young athletes become such tasteful dressers? Unless Jimmy Clausen shows up in a sixteen-button suit and pocket watch, I’m about to lose 40% of the premise of this piece. Shit.
4:35 I passed out for a few minutes during the parade of “Hey, look it’s famous NFL players!”.
4:36 The St. Louis Rams are on the clock. I’m secretly hoping they draft a little-known player called “Black Tim Tebow”, but analysis indicates they will draft Sam Bradford, regardless of whether or not Black Tim Tebow should even exist. Seems short-sighted to me. Bradford is talking on his phone and smiling. Looks like he’s their pick.
4:39 How much do draft tickets cost? Where do you buy them? Why does a person want to attend the draft? “I love seeing commissioners at podiums, but I hate expert analysis of the thing that the commissioner is discussing.”
4:40 Oh man! Not only is Bradford going to receive a contract with $15mm in guaranteed salary, but he also gets a St. Louis Rams lapel pin, jersey and hat! This has to be a great day for him. I would sell the jersey and hat on eBay and keep the cash!
4:43 Detroit is on the clock. You can’t draft a new hometown, so they’ll probably select a player with their pick. Sounds like they’re going Gerald McCoy, a defensive tackle, which works for them, cause they need help at every position but QB. Uh, oh…other tackle is on the phone! Last minute switch. They got Ndamukong Suh.
4:47 Suh didn’t look too stoked about becoming a Lion, but I’m still holding out for the “abject horror” look of a player getting selected by an undesirable team. My dark horse in that category is Jimmy Clausen/Cleveland Browns.
4:49 Coors Light Home Draft has piqued my interest. I looked it up online and it costs $18 for 16 12-oz beers, which isn’t the bargain I hoped. In the “pro” column, it’s new, goofy, and wildly impractical. I’ll take three.
4:54 Gerald McCoy is selected by Tampa Bay. He’s crying pretty hard. Would it be legal (provided there is ample time left on the clock) to select a player, witness him crying, then inform the player “we are going to need someone a little tougher than you, crybaby”, then pick a different player? It wouldn’t? Ok.
4:56 McCoy has a baby girl. I don’t think he’s married either. Tampa Bay just drafted a sinner.
4:57 While ESPN shows graphics of the players skills, shortcomings, stats, etc, they have video of the player on the left hand side of the screen, grinning, playfully tossing a football, and dancing. There is so much of the draft process I’m jealous of.
ESPN producer: Hello, Penn?
Penn: Yeah?
ESPN Producer: We need you to come down to our studios to film you while you dance in your workout gear.
Penn: Awesome.
5:00 Redskins pick Trent Williams. Third OU player taken in first four picks. My only comfort comes from knowing that OU no longer has these awesome players. I’m also happy that these three won’t be forced to live in Oklahoma anymore. Meanwhile, Kevin Durant wonders why the leagues leading scorer is forced to live in a three-bedroom apartment that overlooks, well…Oklahoma.
5:03 Kansas City is on the clock. Made me think of Hard Knocks, which makes me think that a team should be able to forfeit a fifth-round pick to be featured on the HBO reality show. If a team doesn’t have a fifth-round pick, they are still eligible for the show, but every member of the 55-man roster must kick their punter in both shins.
5:06 (Solemnly staring out the window) It was three years ago that JaMarcus Russell was picked number one in the 2007 NFL Draft. We will never forget.
5:09 Eric Berry was selected by Kansas City. Here is what I know about Eric Barry: He went to Tennessee, he’s a safety, and he’s wearing a shirt/tie combo that would be described as “flesh-colored”. Not his flesh, mind you. But mine.
5:11 An ESPN Interactive poll shows 70% of the voters think that Barry’s selection merits an “A” grade. I bet most of those people voting know even less about Barry than I do. They probably would have called his shirt/tie combo “salmon”. Yuck.
5:13 Just came to the realization that nothing interesting has ever, nor will ever happen in the televised coverage of the draft. I wish I had realized this three hours ago.
5:16 Most interesting stat of the night so far: The average diameter of the watches worn by selections thus far is 3.68 inches. Unfortunately, this number will almost certainly trend downward in later rounds.
5:17 Russell Okung selected by Seattle. He’s a left tackle. Consequently, they are showing a montage of plays that would look totally mundane were he not highlighted in each one. You know what’s hard, even for a seasoned sports fan like myself? Figuring out if an offensive lineman is good or bad. Hindsight is 20/20, but I find it very strange that despite the lack of statistical analysis, scouts are more on the money with offensive linemen than any other position. Good job, scouts!
5:21 The draft day hats are available at NFL.edu
5:21 Excuse me. NFL.com
5:22 They’re using the Minority Report board again! I wonder if a little black ball rolls down if they find out that Colt McCoy is going to kill someone in the future.
5:23 A few of the twists that would make the draft telecast interesting:
- Steve Young claiming that he’s still a better quarterback than 23 year old Jimmy Clausen
- Texas receiver Jordan Shipley confessing that he is the result of an Army experiment to make arms more sexy.
- A player is so excited to be selected that he starts crying. Blood.
- A player getting selected by Tennessee then seen whispering to commissioner Roger Goodell, “It’s an honor to play where Davey Crockett hung his hat”.
5:28 Joe Haden is selected by Cleveland. He was weeping like a baby. Don’t think they were tears of joy.
5:33 Oakland selects Bizarro Jamarcus Russell.
5:34 “The Jamarcus Russell experiment has failed miserably and I don’t think any organization can overcome that.” – Steve Young
5:35 Oakland’s pick is anyone’s guess. Oops. Not anymore. Rolando McClain. Linebacker from Alabama. Father is John McClaine, retired NYPD cop, divorced father of two.
I wish teams drafted more stereotypically. Oakland’s up? Draft the egocentric headcase wide receiver. St. Louis? Draft a white person!
5:38 Buffalo Bills draft CJ Spiller, explosive RB from Clemson. An exciting player for an exciting city!!!
5:39 My wishes are that Colt McCoy gets taken by Seattle and that Tim Tebow gets drafted by someone who’s going to use him in the backfield. White players that get drafted as either receivers or running backs must go by the more specific designation WWR and WRB.
5:43 Why attend the draft when you could throw the craziest party ever at home and have the cameras follow it?
5:47 Denver and SF traded picks.
5:51 Just heard “He’s had some problems at Rutgers”. I think someone just drafted Tony Soprano.
5:57 Ok. Watching four hours of analysis of something I don’t really care THAT much about is probably enough. Let’s kill this bitch before I say something racist for the sole purpose of being provocative. Good night, draft. Good night, cow jumping over the draft. Good night, big bowl of mush.
Related posts:
- Apparently NFL Pre-Draft Questions Include: Is Your Mother a Whore?
- The Manly Link Round-Up for May 8th
- Manly Link Round-Up for May 15th
