Mereja

Get Real! Did I Break My Hymen with Masturbation?

Written by

Heather Corinna

in

This article is published in partnership with Scarleteen.org.

prince_12 asks:

I hope you would be able to answer my message as soon as possible.
It is very urgent. I have passed through the site and decided of asking you
some questions maybe you could help me. I am an Indian girl. My age is 26 and I
never had ever sexual intercourse because it is against our traditions here. A
girl is not allowed until she is married. I never ever masturbated using
machines or finger. I never ever touched my area down before. I even never knew
anything about girls and guys masturbation. Here we are not taught about sex
issues.

I entered accidentally one of the sex sites and most probably out of
curiousity about a new thing, depression, and much free time. I started
chatting dirty(no voice) with these guys and I watched some. I never did this
before in my whole life really. I noticed that i gave water from under when I
chatted dirty or watched a guy and I become very jelly like down there. I
really never knew this is masturbation i am really ignorant about that. I did
this only about two months but I chatted and masturbated several times in a
day.

Really I
am very ignorant that this is how the girl masturbate. I chatted with several
guys two days ago, and now i am very worried about my body. Until this moment,
I still feel jelly like and watery from down inside for no reason. I am not
chatting for two days and I still feel very jelly and watery from down. I also
feel very hot from down. Also, I am entering bathroom many times in one day. I
got very worried and afraid about my body. Why the water did not stop? Why do I
still feel jelly like down? Why entering bathroom many times? Am I suffering an
infection or something? I am very afraid about that. Also, Another important
question came to my mind: May a girl break her hymen only from chatting dirty
many times in a day for a month or two month. Really I never did this my whole
life and I am very frustrated and afraid. I don’t want what I did out of
ignorance, curiousity, and depression and only for a two month period affect my
health negatively or break my hymen. Please tell me I did not break my hymen.
And please tell me whether i should visit a doctor to see why i still give
water from down or not? Is it a big problem? I am very afraid really and
frustrated and not sleeping. I hope you answer my questions quickly it is very urgent.
Thank you a lot in advance.

Heather Corinna replies:

Before I
talk about anything else, I want to address a couple things right off the bat
in the hopes that you will feel some quick emotional relief, and can let go of
some of the fear and panic you’ve been living with.

What you
experienced — that "water" or "jelly" — when you were
chatting was most likely vaginal lubrication. When female-bodied people get
sexually excited, when we get turned on, usually the vagina will start to
self-lubricate, becoming more wet than usual. For those who get excited and
choose to masturbate or have genital sex with a partner, that lubrication is
part of what makes any kind of sex feel good. And because our vaginas clean and
adjust themselves over cycles of several days at a time, it’s possible to get
very lubricated one day, and a couple days later still find the consistency of
your vaginal discharges is a little bit different. Changes in lubrication like
that are not causes of vaginal infection.

I have
yet to hear anyone define the loss of virginity as a woman getting excited,
looking at or touching her own anatomy or talking about sex with others. I also
have not generally heard anyone say that someone who masturbates is not a
virgin, even in very traditional cultures or communities.

In cultures,
communities or individual ethics where virginity is a big deal, what people
usually mean when they talk about who is and who is not a virgin is who has or
has not had a sexual partner. Usually when people say someone is a virgin, they
mean they have not had any sexual partnerships. In some cases, they may allow
for someone having had sexual partnerships, but not penis-in-vagina
intercourse. In other words, a great deal of the time, people who espouse or
subscribe to virginity as an idea define a virgin as someone who has not had
penis-in-vagina sexual intercourse primarily, or more broadly, as someone who
has not done any kind of genital sexual activity with a partner.

Virginity
isn’t a medical condition: in other words, it has nothing to do with body parts
or how yours may look or be. In medical reference books, we won’t find a
definition of virginity like we’ll find for dermatitis or a given nerve or
muscle, because virginity is neither a medical condition nor is it anatomical
(a body part).

Those who
think virginity is about the hymen, or that the hymen can show us who has and
has not been sexual need to understand that that is simply not an accurate
measure of who has or has not had sex, and the idea that it is is very
outdated, and based on ignorance of women’s bodies. The hymen — now called the
corona — is folds of thin, flexible membrane just inside the vaginal opening
most female-bodied people have at birth. It gradually wears away over time
through puberty and adulthood (through our normal vaginal discharges,
menstruation, because of hormones, physical activity and yes, also with vaginal
sexual activities), with or without any kind of sex. For sure, vaginal sex can
speed up that process, but most people who have had vaginal sex once or twice
will often still have at least some of their hymen. There are even women who
have given birth with parts of their hymen still remaining before a delivery
(birth), and still remaining after delivery. Even when a woman’s hymen
is mostly worn away, small bits of it always remain.

Most
female-bodied people who have started menstruating and been through some of the
process of puberty will not have fully intact hymens anymore, even if they have
not had any kind of sex OR masturbated. If the corona was not at least somewhat
worn away — if small openings in it had not started to form — then a young
woman would not have any menstrual flow, because it would be trapped behind
that membrane. That can happen, but it’s rare, and when a hymen is that
resilient, it often will not wear away with intercourse, either. Women with
very resilient coronas need to have a minor surgery in order to engage in
intercourse.

The hymen
also actually doesn’t usually "break" at all, nor do most women bleed
with first-time intercourse from a "broken" hymen. In
other words, it is not usually all there, then through one action is all open,
unless someone gets a severe genital injury or someone is forcibly raped, or
has a partner for intercourse who is exceptionally rough with them. Even in
those cases it won’t often "break" though parts of it may get torn in
ways it would not otherwise. Instead, it gradually wears away, like water wears
away the surface of a rock over time. But I can absolutely assure you that
getting excited and chatting did not have any impact on your hymen.

Of
course, the tricky part when it comes to a realistic conception of the vagina
is convincing other people, particularly in cultures or communities where that
idea is still pervasive and part of traditions (for instance, they may do
Kukari ki Rasam in your area), and where the truth about female bodies is kept
secret or rarely discussed. However, even in cultures where this idea can still
be widespread, there are people questioning and opposing it and other dubious,
sexist or harmful ideas about or approaches to virginity. For instance, in
India, your National Commission for Women very recently questioned an action that
was based in virginity beliefs and ideals. And international human rights
organizations like Amnesty International — made of people of all cultures —
have also spoken out in the past
about virginity "tests" performed in some areas,
particularly when performed publicly and/or by force.

Virginity,
as we explain
here often at Scarleteen,
is an idea, and
like many ideas, it tends to differ among people.

I don’t
know how you define virginity, nor can I know how anyone you marry or how your
family or community may define it. I’m afraid I can’t tell you how I
define it, because personally, I don’t. The idea of virginity is not one I
myself ascribe to or espouse because, in short, a) it often considers rape to
be sex, stating rape survivors are not virgins b) it doesn’t take people who
are not heterosexual or who have sex lives without intercourse, even after
marriage, into account and c) it’s something that puts a character value or
judgment on a person, usually only a female one, based on their sexual history
alone, which I am not comfortable with and do not feel is respectful of people
in my view.

But I
don’t hear people defining masturbation as being about chatting — in person or
online — or looking at something sexual, nor stating those things have
anything to do with virginity. While those things can be part of what
someone looks at or takes part in when they masturbate, masturbation is defined
as touching one’s own body in some way for sexual gratification. In other
words, if you were not touching yourself during all of this, you were not
masturbating. If you were touching yourself seeking sexual gratification — in
other words, you touched your own body in any number of ways because you felt
the sexual desire to, and it felt sexually good to you to do that — then that
was masturbation. Here’s one link
that talks about ways that women masturbate if you want more information on
that to get a better idea of what that often involves. But just getting wet
from sexual excitement, just talking or looking at pornography or some kind of
sexual video, those are both things which, by themselves, most people do not
define as masturbation.

I don’t
know why you’re going to the bathroom several times a day, but it is unlikely
to be related to any of this. But if you feel you are urinating more often than
is usual for you over several days or longer, and if urinating feels in any way
painful, or if your vaginal discharges have radically changed lately (in color,
in how much of them there is, or in scent), you certainly might consider a
visit with your doctor. Women sometimes develop genital infections without
having had any kind of sex at all, or without getting sexually excited.
Infections like yeast infections or bacterial infections can happen just due to
vaginal imbalances due to the way we have eaten, a soap we washed with,
douching, or changes in the weather or our hormonal or insulin levels. In the
case you do have an infection like one of those, I can assure you it had
nothing to do with the experiences you’re so worried about and feeling ashamed
of, so you also shouldn’t feel you need to tell a doctor about them if you
don’t want to.

I can’t
tell you what is or isn’t okay sexually when it comes to your culture, both
because any one culture often has several different ideas or standards, and
also because the kind of culture you’re in is so different than my own.
Whatever I know about your culture is not the same as being part of it, so I
have not had your same experiences, nor have I, as a Western woman far outside
that culture, felt the same fears and pressures you do. I also can’t tell you
how much or how little to choose to stick with your cultural standards: that’s
always going to be a choice each of us has to make for ourselves, and we’re the
only ones who can know what the right choices are for us. But it is a choice.
There are a lot of things here in the Western world that are pervasive I don’t
cotton with or sign on to, and while I certainly have more freedoms than a
woman in a culture that’s more restrictive to women, you likely do still have
at least some options yourself.

But what
I can say, and I say with respect for all cultures, is that I think it makes a
lot of sense to identify and question double-standards, like the idea that it’s
okay in a given culture for males to think about sex or masturbate before
marriage (or during or without), but not for women. I also think that however
our cultures differ, you and I can probably agree that there’s nothing positive
or of real benefit to you or anyone else in your feeling fearful and ashamed
about your body or your sexual feelings and curiosities. It’s normal for people
of all cultures and genders to be curious about sex, and it’s normal for people
to have sexual desires and the desire to explore sexual curiosity in many
different ways. I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of.

You’ll
want to figure out for yourself what you feel good about and don’t so you can
decide what you’re comfortable doing from here on out. Did you were doing with
the chats and watching videos leave you feeling good enough during those times
and afterwards that you want to keep doing that? Or, did how you felt during
and/or after leave you feeling a way you don’t like? How do you feel
about whatever cultural traditions and ideas you want to be part of work or
don’t with what you’ve been doing? When you think about all of that, you can
figure out if this is something you still want to do or not. My view may well
differ from yours or from that of some in your culture, but in my opinion, if
you feel good about a sexual chat or about masturbating, and those are things
you want to do, there isn’t anything wrong with doing those things, nor do they
have anything to do with a marital relationship you are not yet in or with your
character or how "pure" a person you are or are not.

I also
think we can probably agree that if any of us are being held to certain
standards by others, the very least we deserve is to be informed of what,
exactly, those standards are. So, if you want to stick to your community
standards about virginity until marriage, but aren’t clear what that all means,
what I’d suggest is finding someone who you trust and feel is knowledgeable in
your community and ask them to explain to you what they think it means, and
what the standards you are being held to, or are asked to abide by, are. I know
that it can be scary to ask those kinds of questions, and not everyone is open
to answering them or will answer them without judgment, but I bet you can think
of someone — an aunt, maybe, an older sister or a nurse — who is a good and
safe person for you to ask, who will answer you without shaming you.

I’m going
to leave you with a few more links that relate to the things you have asked
here, and I hope they and my answer here will leave you feeling comforted, able
to get some rest and able to be kind to yourself.

Looking, Lusting and
Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography

More posts