Sealed With A Kick

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.” – William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Today is Valentine’s Day. For some people across the globe, it is a time to bask in reciprocated – or in Vice President Joe Biden’s case, unreciprocated – love. Champagne will be flowing, flowers will be blooming, and candy will be distributed. For others, like those who have been “happily” married for more than five years, it is a day just like any other; save for a quick trip to the gas station and $5 spent on one wilted rose.

Like the late, great Rodney Dangerfield, Valentine’s Day gets no respect, which is puzzling since the holiday was established over 1,500 years ago:

“Saint Valentine’s Day (commonly shortened to Valentine’s Day) is an annual holiday held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions. The holiday is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentine and was established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 A.D. It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines”). The holiday first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.”

If recent events are any indication, that tradition of courtly love died a slow, painful, sugar-injected death. There are very few true romantics left in the world, especially in the world of politics, where romanticism is about as welcome as a big, wet kiss
from Steve Buscemi. However, some politicos can still channel their inner Cupid – Sen. Robert Byrd has been seen in the Capitol Rotunda brandishing a bow and arrow while wearing a diaper – and their Valentine’s Day plans have recently been revealed. Here are the most striking examples:

Former President Bill Clinton has big plans in store for his wife this weekend. Ever the charmer, Bill reserved the penthouse suite inside New York’s Waldorf-Astoria Hotel as well as dinner for two at the Russian Tea Room. The gesture melted the heart of the usually frigid Secretary of State, until she learned that Bubba would be spending the weekend at the Ritz-Carlton . . . in Los Angeles. When asked why he would reserve a dinner for two if he would be on the other side of the country, Bill replied, “Because from the looks of your rear end, you have become quite the big eater.”

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is booking a tiny chapel outside of Juneau on Sunday. She is going to surprise “First Dude” Todd Palin by renewing their wedding vows in front of a select group of family and friends. The ceremony should proceed smoothly, but in case the paparazzi decide to descend upon the event, Gov. Palin will be ready. She plans to tweak the mainstream media by writing “I do” on her left palm because nothing says “I love you” like making Andrea Mitchell’s head explode.

Some world leaders have a different definition of romance than most people. Take Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for instance. This madman is hell-bent upon world domination, and judging by his country’s ongoing creation of nuclear centrifuges, his deeds echo his words. Iran’s nuclear weapons program is Ahmadinejad’s labor of love, so much so that he has drawn a heart on each and every one in ruby red lipstick. The president claims that the lipstick belongs to his “sister,” but after Sky News learned that Ahmadinejad shaves his legs, those claims have fallen on deaf ears.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has earned a terrible reputation as a sadistic, war-monger who treats his countrymen like dogs. As a result, Dear Leader does not go out on many dinner dates. Kim’s terminal state of loneliness has forced him to take drastic measures and this week he joined Match.com. Sadly, after filling out the questionnaire and submitting a recent photo, the dating site rejected his application. Incensed, Kim fired off an e-mail to the site’s owners and received this reply:

“Dear Mr. Jong-Il, thank you for your interest in Match.com. We regret to inform you that we cannot accept your application because it violates our Safety Policy. Our members want to feel safe with their companions, Mr. Jong-Il, and your response to the question, ‘What is your idea of a romantic evening?’ was completely inappropriate. No woman wants to hear that your idea of romance is ‘oppressing the proletariat.’ Similarly, no one wants to read that your perfect evening is ‘enjoying a meal next to the roaring nuclear fires of the former South Korea’, sir. We will keep your application on file, in case Coke-bottle glasses and drab pantsuits come back into vogue.”

Now just because some politicians have a distinctly warped sense of romance does not mean that their quirks should transfer to the public at large. Most people would do well to stand by the classics. Giving flowers, chocolates, and greeting cards are the best bets. Buying your soul mate the stuffed “Nancy Pelosi Loves Your Vote This Much” doll? Eh, not so much.

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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