Suffer The Children

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Shakira

Have you ever noticed that whenever the government or some consumer advocate tries to impose its will upon us, someone always says, “It’s for the children?” No matter what the cause, there is always a person telling us to think about the children. The legislation could involve appropriations for nursing home bedpans and still the kids are thrown in people’s faces. Celebrities usually chant this mantra, and while some of them are truly in it for the good of the kiddies, others are either in it for themselves, or because they want to abide by the terms of their bail.

There is no reason to think that the motives of Colombian pop star Shakira are anything but pure. Even so, her rug rat-centric platform is opening a lot of doors; especially the ones in front of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Earlier this week, the Latin bombshell was able to arrange an unscheduled meeting with the most powerful man in the world. That must be nice, since the president’s own daughters have to make an appointment to see dad.

The Shakira meeting was puzzling at best and inconceivable at worst. In the past year, the economy has dropped faster than Nancy Pelosi’s face, unemployment numbers are larger than Alec Baldwin’s ego, and President Obama’s poll numbers are lower than the average teenager’s pants. The president is a busy man, but for someone who has a lot of work to do, the president always seems to make time for nonsense involving celebrities:

“President Obama and pop superstar Shakira are talking about U.S. policy toward children. Obama and the Colombian entertainer met briefly Monday at the White House after she had meetings with staff from the National Security Council and the Domestic Policy Council to talk about early childhood development.

A White House official, speaking only on condition of anonymity because the meeting was not on the president’s public schedule, said Shakira stopped by to say hello privately to Obama when the meetings ended. Shakira is a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador and has been an advocate for children in poverty.”

Okay, there are a lot of aneurysm-inducing phrases in those two paragraphs, so let’s dissect them one by one. The first area of trouble is the fact that a pop star/bimbo is discussing the U.S. policy toward children with the president. Discussing the policy? Does America have an official policy toward children, and if so, where can a parent find it? Heck, what is the president’s response to that? “Um, we’re for them. The United States is very pro-child.” Puh-lease!

The second issue is one that should make any American’s head explode. For some reason, a Colombian pop tart was given permission to participate in meetings with the National Security Council! Who exactly is making these decisions, some administration staffer sitting in a cubicle and throwing darts at people’s photos? Imagine the embarrassment when Rahm Emanuel has to tell President Obama that while the meeting with the Chinese Premier is crucial to our nation’s security, the dart landed on the scantily-clad girl who sings “Hips Don’t Lie.” Similarly, Shakira met with members of the Domestic Policy Council, another organization comprised of Cabinet members and under-secretaries. The topic was early childhood development. Again, while this is a noble undertaking, Shakira has no children. How exactly is she the go-to gal on early childhood development? If they wanted a woman with some knowledge on the subject, the Council should have invited Michelle Duggar. Of course, since she is raising 19 biological children, she probably doesn’t have the time or the energy to deal with a bunch of politicians – although in fairness, the politicians are probably a bigger group of crybabies.

The second paragraph is more puzzling than the question of why Ryan Seacrest is famous. How is it that a Latin celebrity can just “stop by to say hello” to the President of the United States? I can see that in the Kennedy or the Clinton administrations, where babes took unscheduled meetings with Slick Willy every hour on the hour, but not during the Obama presidency. It probably helps that Shakira is gorgeous but the double standard is blinding. Does anyone really believe that Ernest Borgnine can walk into the Oval Office unannounced for a meet and greet with President Obama? Not likely.

There is no question that Shakira should be applauded for her charity work and her interest in the well-being of poverty-stricken children. She is probably a good person with a genuine interest in the lives of others. That being said, being a good egg should not automatically grant someone an audience with the most powerful government on the face of the Earth. Maybe Shakira will set the bar a little lower next time. She can follow Sean Penn’s lead and spend all of her time visiting loser countries like Cuba and Iran. Lord knows there is plenty of poverty to go around there.

FamilySecurityMatters.org’s official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly.

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