From The Endive – The News Leader of the Known Universe
The city of Topeka, Kansas was obliterated Wednesday following a dramatic accident involving a Toyota and a Ford Pinto.
“It was horrifying,” said eyewitness and survivor Sharon Horne, “A white Camry suddenly sped up and rear-ended a green Pinto, sending it crashing into the side of a 1984 Chevy pickup. The last thing I remember seeing after that was a wall of flames, and then the concussive force of the explosion knocked me out.”
The accident was incredibly complex. Other eyewitnesses confirmed that the Toyota was trying to outmaneuver a Chevy Cobalt that had lost steering control. The fuel in the Pinto’s gas tank didn’t ignite until sparks and fire from a nearby Pontiac Fiero came a little too close as the wreck careened by.
The Chevy truck ended up in the Pinto’s line of fire after it swerved to avoid a Ford Explorer that had flipped onto its side while trying to pull out of the way.
Things were further complicated when the concussive force of the explosion set off all the airbags in any Honda within a four-mile radius, causing a chain reaction crash that laid waste to ten city blocks.
The fire was stoked further when a Ford Escape’s cruise control switch caught fire coincidentally, right next to a 1987 Ford F-150 whose ignition switch burst spontaneously into flames.
“We warned people this would happen over and over,” said Steve Dweebs, a scientist who talks like he knows everything, “Statistically speaking, if every recalled vehicle were to meet in one city at one time and an unforeseen element were introduced, a collision would occur that would produce a shock wave large enough to obliterate Topeka.”
That unforeseen element, according to Dweebs, was the introduction of five Pontiac Aztecs. While the Aztec was never the subject of a recall, the presence of five of the ugliest vehicles ever produced was distracting enough to set off the chain reaction of events.
“I just wanted to add that I was totally right,” said Dweebs, who is probably just now realizing we changed his last name to “Dweebs” just for this article.
President Obama was quick to pledge his support to rebuilding efforts.
“We will rebuild Topeka,” said Obama, “And the new Topeka will have much safer cars. Cars that have been hastily built new from the ground up, managed by a government committee, and built by the few people who GM didn’t lay off. We’re pretty sure they’ll be safe.”
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Filed under: America (USA), Humor, Images, Satire Tagged: Satire, The Endive, Tony, Toyota Recall 
