Research shows that many men want to have richer lives, with greater emotional engagement and joy in their family lives and bigger contributions to their households. But they face substantial barriers at work, in their homes, and inside their own heads.
Just as women need support from their organizations and their families to surmount the hurdles of fear and tradition, men need help in getting past the roadblocks that keep them from engaging more fully as caregivers and homemakers. And, of course, for women to advance in the world of work, men must advance in the world of home. The really good — seemingly paradoxical — news is that when men find smart, creative ways to “lean in” at home, they also perform better at work. This article shows how.
Getting Past What Holds Men Back
Traditional gender stereotypes are prisons for men too and hold many back from trying. Men may wonder: What if I’m just not a good dad? What if I’m perceived by my friends as unmanly because I’m doing “women’s work”? What if my children see me as a poor role model because I’m not the main breadwinner? What if my boss thinks I’m less committed because I’m not at the office as much as the other guys at my level?
How does a man garner the courage to act, despite these worries, and get his boss and co-workers to encourage him to have breakfast with his family, leave in time to pick up kids at school, and be truly focused on his family when he’s with them instead of constantly checking his digital device about work matters?
Even in unsupportive work environments, men can make high-yield adjustments intended to make things better at work, at home, in the community, and for their private selves (mind, body, spirit) — pursuing what I call “four-way wins.” These are often small changes, designed to benefit key stakeholders in all parts of their lives. And that’s what makes them work.
Diagnose, Dialogue, and Discover
For over a decade, students in my classes, as well as thousands of employees in hundreds of companies, have found that three steps make it possible for men to overcome the obstacles and lean in more at home in ways that, at the same time, benefit their careers.
Step 1 — Diagnose: Figure out what’s not working for you and what you wish you could do to ameliorate the situation. What’s the problem? Your spouse isn’t happy with your involvement? You’re missing your children’s childhoods? Your commute is too long? You’re exhausted? You’re distracted by work at home and by home while at work?
Asking these kinds of questions often produces these knee-jerk reactions:
- There is no solution that will work because my boss would never go for changes.
- I can’t ask for something that’s just for me and my family because it’s selfish.
- I know I’m not happy but I don’t see how things can improve short of leaving my job.
To get to the next step, it helps to find a peer coach (or two) — someone preferably outside of your immediate work circle — to brainstorm potential fixes. I have never seen anyone voice a problem for which someone else, with a fresh perspective, could not find solutions worth trying, especially if these solutions have real prospects of benefiting others.
Step 2 — Dialogue: Talk to those around you — at work and at home — who matter most to you about what they really expect of you, how you’re doing, and what you could do better. More often than not, what we think others expect of us is greater than (or a bit different from) what they actually expect of us. For example, you might think that your wife wants you home for dinner, when in fact it’s the morning routine — getting the kids up and off to school — that is actually important to her as she is also trying to get to work early. Or you might think that being at work until very late is seen by your co-workers as a sign of your commitment and great performance, when it is actually viewed as an indication of your inefficiency; as in, why can’t you get your work done faster so that you don’t need to be here this long into the night?
Find out exactly what your important stakeholders need from you. Once you know more about what’s actually expected, then you’re ready for the next step.
Step 3 — Discover: Try a small change for a brief period of time — a week or a month — and keep front of mind the benefits not to you (you will not forget those, I promise), but to key people at work (increased productivity because you’ll be less distracted by family issues, have more energy, and be more committed to the organization), to people in your family, and to your friends and community.
Experiments and Their Impact
My research team studied what hundreds of people did when each was asked to design and implement an experiment for a four-way win. We observed many kinds of experiments, and these were most popular:
- Rejuvenating and restoring: Take care of your mind, body, or spirit. Example: Start an exercise regimen program and watch carefully for the ripple effects at home, at work, and in the community as your energy increases and social connections strengthen.
- Focusing and concentrating: Be present for one person or task at a time. Example: Unplug from all digital media for one evening per week to connect with your family and friends to enable you to engage more fully, and with less distraction, at work.
- Time-shifting and replacing: Work remotely or during different times to increase efficiency and improve productivity. Example: Stay at work later on Tuesday and get in earlier on Thursday, or work on Saturday instead of Monday.
- Delegating and developing: Reallocate tasks to free up time, increase trust, and develop others’ skills. Example: Give work to junior people on your team who are eager to learn and prove themselves while freeing up your time for more important activities.
- Exploring and venturing: Take small steps toward doing something new that better aligns what you do with what you aspire to do. Example: You and your wife would like to have regular family dinners at home, but neither of you knows how to cook. Take a cooking class together and learn a new skill, strengthen your relationship, save money by buying groceries instead of getting takeout, and eat healthier because you’re consuming fewer processed foods.
An experiment is time-limited and has measurable outcomes. While you believe that your request will not only not diminish or interfere with the work you produce — and indeed will enhance your productivity because you’ll be happier, healthier, more energized, less distracted, more committed to the team, or more relaxed (or all of the above) — the proof will be in the pudding, and your colleagues and family will be the judges. Because you’re experimenting, make it clear that after the agreed upon duration, if the experiment is not working for them, then you will return to the status quo, or try something else. No one has anything to lose, and all have something to gain. More often than not, when approached with this goal — to make it a win for all concerned — people around you might surprise you with their reasonableness.
When you invest intelligently in being a better father and see how this makes you more confident in your parenting skills and happier in your marital relationship, you become less distracted at work, more energetic, and have a clearer focus on business results that matter. You begin to grow more confident in yourself, and this helps you overcome anxieties you may have about what others might think of you as you do more at home or spend less time at the office. Here are some examples of men who’ve done so.
Peter wanted to leave work earlier than usual to get home to his new born son. “After my son was born, I found myself excited to get home to see him. These early departures have forced me to be much more disciplined with my time and helped prompt me to delegate work to my very capable and enthusiastic colleagues. I more than exceeded my original goal of leaving early 1-2 times per week and surprisingly found myself less overwhelmed at work than I was previously. My idea for the next phase of this experiment is to coordinate departure times among my peers, such that one of us covers the “after-hours” time slot each day of the week.”
Leonard, a financial services professional, wanted to spend more one-on-one time with family members. He and his wife committed to and carried through on a date night and he played tennis with his six-year old son. But the biggest gain was in building his relationship with his two-year-old daughter, who had previously been “a Mommy’s girl.” “I feel more productive, motivated, and focused as a result of this experiment. Since my home life is better, I can now allow myself to concentrate more on work when necessary without guilt that my home life is suffering.”
Joseph, a research team leader at a pharmaceutical company, conducted an experiment to become more systematic about how he used his time at work and saw dramatic improvements at work, at home, and in his community. He made more family dinners, read to his children nightly, had no missed Parent/Teacher conferences, and his family reported that he now “always delivers.” His research team was happier and more productive both as a result of his increased delegation as well as his “managing up to minimize ‘reactive’ work.”
The results can be dramatic, but usually the interventions are fairly simple. One man tried creating a shared calendar with his wife — a no-brainer, right? It resulted in him missing fewer family commitments and being able to better set expectations of workload and plan the production schedule with his team at work. And he gained a new admiration for his wife’s ability to manage the children’s complex schedule while working full-time herself! This in turn led to a better marital relationship. Another told me that he started doing the dishes regularly, and taking on more chores around the house. This not only gave him more time at home doing things with his children, it dramatically improved his relationship with his in-laws and his wife, removing what had been a source of stress in his life that had affected both his home and work.
What we have seen over and over again is that no matter what the experiment — whether it’s about disconnecting from 7:00 to 10:00 PM for one evening a week, coming in late two mornings to go to the gym, leaving early a day a week to coach, scheduling group meetings between 10:00 and 3:00 so members can leave early or come in late and not miss important group meetings, or any number of minor adjustments — productivity usually increases at work because employees are happier and more focused on results that matter while retention increases because they are more committed.
Employers, this is not charity. This is not capitulation. And — though it has gotten a lot of attention recently as such — this is certainly not a women’s issue. Helping men to be more active at home, if that’s what they want, makes good business sense. It’s wise to encourage employees to engage in dialogues with important people in their lives and to experiment with small changes that can enrich their families, enhance their engagement with their community, and improve their health — all while enhancing your bottom line. By making it easier for men to live more whole lives, employers are indirectly contributing to paving the way for the women in their lives to give more of themselves to their work and careers. And children — the unseen stakeholders at work — win, too. We as a society are all the beneficiaries.
John McWhorter: Txtng is killing language. JK!!!
