This photo was taken about 9 years ago with a childhood friend of mine since I was six years old. Although he’s no longer alive, he is my best example of how precious a platonic friendship can be.
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When I was born, one of the first people my father called to tell the good news was my godfather–the same man that my mother had been friends with since she was in seventh grade. My father didn’t meet my godfather until my parents were in their 20s, but they’ve all been friends ever since. My father is a deacon and has befriended several women at his church. When his cell rings, my mother doesn’t jump up trying to go through his phone. Because both of my parents are secure in their 29-year marriage, I’ve also learned what a secure marriage is like. When you watch relationships like this growing up, it leaves a lasting impression on you that men and women can be platonic friends. This example has also led me to having platonic relationships with several men over the years, and three or four have lasted over a decade. The only thing that has separated me from my guy friends is distance when we went to college and arguing.
So when someone I’m dating walks into my home and sees a few guys here and there on my walls or in frames and I say, “This is a friend of mine,” these guys really are friends. However, what I realized from a previous relationship is that there are some men who are not equipped to deal with women who have opposite sex friends and vice versa. Whereas it doesn’t bother me to date men who have platonic relationships with childhood friends or friends before I came along, it surely bothered an ex-boyfriend of mine. Here’s the scenario.
I told Boyfriend that a guy friend of mine, who I’d known since I was 16 and never done more than a friendly poke-the-butt-out-so-bodies-aren’t-too-close hug with, was coming by to see my new apartment. Boyfriend was nonchalant about it initially until the week went by. Then I started hearing jokes about how my “date” was coming by. At least I thought it was a joke until I noticed he wasn’t cracking a smile. Being the type of person who is not jealous, I shrugged the comments off and felt like he had nothing to worry about. After all, I’d been friends with these guys since elementary and high school. If we were going to date or be intimate, we’d have done it long before Boyfriend came around. Plus, how disrespectful is it to Friend to even have a Boyfriend if you are intimate with Friend. Not a good look on either part, so I never understood the logic in those types of relationships. And then the day of the visit from The Friend came. Boyfriend called from an unidentified number. I don’t answer blocked calls. Boyfriend went ballistic the next day.
Police officers envy the way Boyfriend put me under investigation for cheating, even though the most exciting thing Friend and I did was look through photo albums. Boyfriend broke up with me after finding out Friend hung out until about 10:30 p.m., because he said that was too long for someone of the opposite sex to come over. Initially I apologized for hurting his feelings, and we got back together. However, the green-eyed bandit had already planted itself in the room. From then on, I was accused of cheating on him nonstop especially considering wherever we’d go, some guy would walk by checking me out or try to holla when Boyfriend wasn’t around.
For a person who believes in having friends of the opposite sex but dates an insecure person, you will more than likely face a decision to give up your friends that you’ve spent years of dedicated time sealing a bond with. If you want to lose the friendship, that’s your business. However, think about the fact that if the relationship doesn’t work out, now you’ve lost a friend who was around way before Boyfriend came into the picture. It’s up to you to decide who is more important. Unless you’re being disrespectful and private about your opposite sex friend, the friendship shouldn’t be a deal breaker.
I do recall one of my friends getting a divorce, and his ex-wife asked him how I was doing. At the time, he and I weren’t on speaking terms so he told her that. She paused and said she never expected us to not be friends because we’d always gotten along. Then her response was, “I always thought that if we ever separated, Montie would be next.” Huh? Say what? Why would I be next? When you’re friends with someone and truly appreciate the friendship, it just doesn’t enter your mind to walk around pacing and waiting on a breakup. You’d rather your friend be in a happy relationship and vice versa.
Three of my strongest friendships are with a friend of mine who I grew up with since I was six years old and lived next door to me. The second is with a friend of mine I’ve befriended since I was 16. I’m now 28. The third is with a friend of mine who is best friends with my brother and has known me since I was one years old so he’s more of a brother than a friend. Although the friend since I was six years old was murdered during my college years, I’m still consistently in contact with the other two. I chose my guy friends because I got tired of being accused of cheating when I’ve never cheated in my life. I also chose my guy friends because I knew that it was possible to date (and marry) someone who could understand platonic friendships. Who did you choose?
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